MAY ALL SEASONS BE SWEET TO THEE

5 Days A Week

2012-01-29T23:33:00.003+01:00

The other day I looked at Rafael and couldn't believe how big he has gotten. I decided to start taking a photo of him 5 days a week, Monday through Friday.

It has become one of my favorite parts of the day: Raffi wakes me up at around 6:30, when it's still dark and my husband and the dogs are still deep asleep. Rafael and I kiss and nuzzle, I change his diaper, and then we go to the bathroom where I brush my teeth while he sits in his car seat by the heater and watches me with curious eyes.

Then we go to his room, which feels so warm and quiet, and while he swats at the wooden rings on his baby gym, I pick out the little outfit for the day. At some point, we hear the tip-tip-tip of doggy paws on the floor, and they join us in his room, with tail wags and sleepy stretches.

When there is a little sunlight, I sit him on the plump white chair, give him a toy, and take photos of him. He looks out the window, looks at his toy, looks at Boston or Kiki, sometimes looks at me.

Wherever he looks, he always looks CUTE.

shirt: C&A :: wool pants: H&M mouse: Powell Craft, a gift from Rachel

plaid shirt: Gap :: corduroy pants: H&M :: teddy bear: vintage find

striped shirt: cosilana :: jeans: H&M :: double decker bus: vintage find

striped onesie and sweat suit: H&M :: wooden toy: Walter

plaid jacket: Gap :: jeans: H&M :: sneakers: Nike :: crocheted bear with red scarf: Ana Paula Rimoli :: alphabet pillow: loop loft

Our tiny daily photo shoot has quickly become a morning ritual and I am so happy about it. I am so excited to watch him grow, picture for picture, day for day! So, I hope to keep this post series going every Sunday.

Thanks for stopping by, lovelies!

xoxo

Helpful Tips On Shopping For Little Ones ONLINE

2012-01-25T02:02:00.002+01:00

Ever since I got pregnant, I've been doing about 90% of my shopping online. It's made a huge difference for me:

1. No wasted time packing a big diaper bag for the trip
2. No lugging around the big diaper bag (or big baby, for that matter)
3. No screaming, tired baby while you are waiting in line to pay
4. No long lines

5. No sweating because it's cold outside and boiling in the store

6. No buying a bag full of clothes only to find out a few days later that the store is now having a big sale and you could have saved a bunch of money if you had waited

The one time I went clothes shopping since Rafael was born was a horrible experience (all six of the above happened), and made me all the more appreciative of online shops. After all, what could be better, more comfortable, and more practical than ordering furniture, clothes, and toys in your pajamas while your baby sleeps and having them delivered to your doorstep a few days later?

I think I've gotten a pretty good hang of it and wanted to share a few things I've learned throughout this past year of online shopping for baby articles.

1. Get informed
Find out which stores are out there on the web that offer the kinds of clothing, toys, bedding, and furniture that you like. There are the basic favorites like Amazon and Baby Gap, but I've also found other stores which have a more unique selection by:
- searching with key words like 'handmade toys,' 'vintage kids room,' or 'boy fashion' on Pinterest
- putting specific words like 'red metal bed,' 'elephant pull toy,' or 'baby boy pilot hat' in Google images, and click on the pictures you like to follow the link to where you can buy them
- searching 'kids lookbook' in Google images to see which online shops offer pictures of children modeling their clothing

2. Become a member to save money
When you find an online store that has a lot of things you like, sign up for their newsletters. I have saved tons of money by always knowing when online shops were having a sale. Which leads me to...

3. Be prepared for sales when they come
Sign into an online shop and put all the items you like into your 'cart' or 'shopping bag.' In most online shops, as long as you don't sign out, you will remain signed in and the items will remain in your cart for quite some time. Wait for an email notice that they are having a sale or offering a day of free shipping and then pounce on it. Sometimes, by waiting longer, something you wanted may not be available anymore. So, if there is something you just HAVE to have, buy it right away. I learned this the hard way.

4. Buy on sale in the size available, even if it's too big
If there is something on sale that you really love, but it's not in your baby's size, BUY IT IN THE LARGER SIZE that is available. Your little one will turn 1 or 2 at some point, and then you'll have that adorable little coat or pajamas ready for them. And you will have bought it for an awesome price, too! I've done this quite a few times and have a nice stock of really, really great clothes for the older Raffi. There is one thing to take into consideration when buying like this, and that is:

5. Make sure the clothing fits the season of your child's future age
If your baby will be two in summer, it's clear that they won't be needing a thick sweater made for a two year old.

6. Do your research
Take advantage of the fact that you can read people's feedback on sites like Amazon. Sometimes an item will have some people giving it 5 stars, others giving it 1. Pay much more attention to what they are writing about the product than the amount of stars: sometimes people reduce their rating stars for things like 'shipping took too long,' which has nothing to do with the integrity of the product itself.

7. Order large and heavy items
If you would rather see and feel clothing in person, at least consider ordering things like high chairs, cribs, or baby gyms online. It's so great having these things delivered to your doorstep!

8. Check if it's available in your country
I almost spent a lot of money on an adorable giraffe because the link on Pinterest led me to an Australian online shop and I didn't know it was available somewhere else. Right before buying (and spending way too much on shipping), I checked the Austrian Amazon site, and what do you know, they had it! So, it never hurts to check if that thing you love that you found in some shop from far, far away is available right near by.

9. Check if it's available at a better price through Amazon
Don't feel bad about checking Amazon for a better price on something wonderful you found in an online boutique. Amazon supports small businesses that sell through them, offering really great competitive prices. The first thing I do when I find something expensive that I love is copy the name and past it into the Amazon search.

Here's a list of my favorite places to shop:
(I'm giving you links to the American or British sites, but there are also other locations available)

Clothing:
Zara kids
Baby Gap
Mini Boden

Handmade Toys, Vintage Toys, Baby Blankets:
Etsy

Furniture:
Maisons du Monde

Clothing, Toys, Furniture, etc.
Amazon
Jako-o

Here is a link to my Pinterest board labeled 'Stuff for Babies and Kiddos"where I have posted, and regularly continue to post, toys and furniture for babies and children.

Here is a link to my Pinterest board labeled 'Rafael' where I post clothing and shoes for boys.

Hope these tips and links prove helpful for some of you!

xoxo

Kaiserschmarrn: Traditional Rustic Austrian Pancake

2012-01-22T22:06:00.001+01:00

On cold winter days like these, the most satisfying dishes are the traditional ones.

Here in Austria, there is a delicious dessert called 'Kaiserschmarrn,' which translates roughly to 'Emperor's mess.' It's a thick, eggy, fluffy, chopped up pancake sprinkled with powdered sugar. Perfect comfort food for this time of year. I'm calling it a dessert, but really, it's so filling that it is a meal on it's own.

Kaiserschmarrn

3 eggs, separated
3/4 cup flour
2 teaspoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup milk
butter for frying
raisins (optional)
powdered sugar

Combine flour, sugar, vanilla, and salt, then add the egg yolks and milk to make a thin batter.

Whisk egg whites until stiff and fold under the batter.

Melt butter in a hot pan and add the batter. (Optional: Sprinkle raisins over.)

When bubbles begin to form throughout the surface, cut the pancake into four pieces with your spatula and flip them over.

Allow these pieces to cook for about a minute before cutting into rough pieces with your spatula. Toss these pieces around until they are lightly browned.

Pile onto serving plates and sprinkle with sifted powdered sugar.

Serve with warm apple sauce or plum compote.

Enjoy!

xoxo

Raffi's First Meal

2012-01-21T23:47:00.001+01:00

Rafael recovered quickly from his fever a few days ago and today we decided it was time for him to try his first food. He sits on my lap while I eat and has been more and more interested in what I'm doing. Last night he even grabbed my fork and tried to eat the piece of dumpling on the end of it!

I bought wonderfully sweet organic carrots at the farmer's market and prepared them by peeling them, and then steaming and mixing them in a fantastic machine which can do both.

Once it cooled I took him on my lap and thought I would carefully bring a spoonful to his mouth. I expected him to spit it out at first. Instead he immediately opened his mouth wide and began chomping down carrot puree like no one's business!

When his little bowl was empty he got upset and wanted more. But I froze what was left over because we had to see how his stomach would take this new kind of nourishment. Now, at the end of the day, we know...he handled it great!

More carrots tomorrow, and then we're trying parsnips.

I can't believe how quickly my tiny baby is becoming a little boy.

xoxo

P.S. Thanks to my hubby for taking pictures of these monumental moments!

Some Favorite Things In January

2012-01-20T15:53:00.000+01:00

Make your own tags and ornaments with homemade salt dough, alphabet stamps, and paint.

Recipe here.

The breathtakingly beautiful Swedish home of a blogger named Julia. All of her text is in Swedish, but you actually don't need to understand anything...the photos speak for themselves.

The pictures of her home, garden, and family, just fill me with inspiration and happiness.

Visit her blog, Julias Vita Drommar, here.

These DIY tea bags for Valentine's Day gifts. So simple and sweet!

Find the instructions here.

This handmade canvas backpack. Just think of all the things you could fit in here for hikes in the wilderness! Camera, snacks, thermos....Available here.

This newspaper snippet. Hehehe. Originally posted here.

This book! My mom sent it to me and it's great. It also has a very easy format for someone who has to dip in and out as time (i.e. baby) allows. You can find it for yourself or some new parents you know here.

This woman's pantry makeover, which you can see here. Our pantry is in absolute chaos right now and I really hope Ramon will help me organize it this weekend. This woman's pantry is a great inspiration.

This quote from the amazing singer Adele.

In this month of New Year's resolutions, I can relate to her words.

Life isn't about being skinny.

At least it shouldn't be!

Here's to all the women who, despite so much pressure from all around (even other women!), don't lose sight of all of the great things about them and about their lives that are so much more important than fitting into a certain size of jeans.

xoxoxo

Once Upon a Winter Day

2012-01-18T20:52:00.000+01:00

"To be housebound in the dead of winter is one of the most voluptuous enjoyments that I know, a supreme glorification of the creature comforts; that snuggling down by a roaring fire while the blizzard rages without, that anticipatory planning of warm and heartening dishes, of a special winter edition of the cup that cheers, and to crown it all, the eventual retiring to a cozy bed with a book."
-Barbara Webster, The Green Year

I am thoroughly enjoying the snow now that it is finally here. The bundling up for walks outside...the cozying up with leg warmers and a cup of malty, milky Caro when you come home.

xoxo

On A Snowy Morning

2012-01-18T01:22:00.001+01:00

Finally....SNOW!

We woke up to a whole lot of it covering everything in a blanket of white. The colder it is outside, the more you enjoy the warmth of your home. Rafael and I cuddled and snuggled and made each other laugh. The dogs came back in from a morning romp in the garden with snow stuck to their fur.

My little guy had a fever the past few days but was feeling much better today. So full of chuckles and kicks.

I didn't have the cable to my camera, so I took pictures with my iphone, which was fun.

I hope you are enjoying your week!

xoxo

Rafael is 4 Months Old!

2012-01-15T22:00:00.061+01:00

Yesterday my husband gave me the nicest compliment...he told me that it's obvious that I love being a mom, and that I am really good at it...that I am so nice to Raffi....that he loves me. Wow....I still feel wrapped up in the warming love of those words. It's a sensational feeling to have your dedication and hard work be recognized and appreciated.

Rafael screamed so much this afternoon. I tried everything: breast feeding, playing with him, undressing him (he loves being naked), walking around with him, talking to him, holding him, massaging his belly. Nothing helped for long. I finally wrapped us up and stepped out into the fresh air on the terrace. That calmed him down a little. Then I decided to run a bath for him, as this always seems to relax him. I have his car seat placed on a chair by the heater in the bathroom, and I put him in it and ran his bath, humming a song as the water poured down. When I turned around to get him, he had fallen asleep. So now he is in his car seat by the heater in the bathroom, sleeping.

Four months that feel like a year. Sometimes I'm amazed how quickly Rafael is growing; other times, I feel like he has been with us forever and am surprised how young he still is. So many things I've learned and so many more still ahead! So many beautiful, intimate moments with my baby, and so many sweet moments waiting in our future.

xoxo

ETA: The birthday boy ended up having a fever...looks like he caught the stomach virus I had. Poor little guy! Needless to say, he didn't try his first foods today as we were planning. Let's hope he is feeling better soon!

Some Thoughts On Mothering

2012-01-12T00:19:00.004+01:00

When you fall in love for the first time, or have your heart broken for the first time, all those novels and songs about love suddenly speak to you and you can relate to them on a very real level. It's the same when you have a baby. You come to understand why people risk their lives for their children. Why they work hard to provide for them. How they can accept hours of crying, loads of dirty diapers, and sleepless nights without getting bitter. I heard about these things before, but now I am living them.

It's funny, when I'm changing an exploding diaper that is filling the room with an unbelievably foul smell and I realize, I don't even mind. I'm too busy laughing with Raffi, congratulating him on a full diaper, feeling glad that his diaper rash has cleared up. It's like that with all of the uncomfortable things that come along with having a baby. I just don't mind that much. Rafael's wide excited smile...his face when he is deep asleep...his relieved sighs when he's been crying and is finally at my breast...his incredibly soft doughy thighs that I pinch delicately...it all makes up for it in so many ways.

BUT:

It's almost 1 AM as I'm writing this, and I can tell you why. Even though I love being a mother so much, and I love Rafael so much, I have discovered that I need time every day to be alone with myself. Ramon and I retire to the couch after Raffi has gone to sleep, and after we've been entertained for a while with a movie or television, and have talked and laughed a bit, he goes to sleep, too. That's when the ME TIME begins. I stay on the couch with my laptop and browse pinterest, answer emails, work in photoshop, visit blogs, and write in my own.

Am I missing out on precious sleep in doing so? Yes. But this time for myself to zone out and not take care of anything or anyone else is precious, too.

My father came to visit the other day. He said, "You know, I need time to myself in the evening. When everyone else has gone to sleep, I stay up and just relax." I laughed: "Now I know who I have it from."

*******

There is constantly something to learn and adapt to as a parent, because your child is constantly growing and changing. The minute I think there is a dependable rhythm, things change. The real challenge is to recognize when things have changed, and not try to stick to something that isn't working anymore.

*******

Have you ever noticed that 'Bah Bah Black Sheep,' 'The Alphabet Song,' and 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' all have the same melody? Just something odd I noticed while humming Rafael to sleep.

*******

~~My mother-in-law said she was showing some friends pictures of Rafael. After a while one of them asked, "Where is the mother?"~~

~~That's the problem when you are the one taking photos. There are none of you!~~

~~I would have loved to have this post be topped with a nice photo of Rafael and me. But it just didn't happen.~~

ETA: I took these with my phone this morning! My favorite thing lately is when Raffi touches my face when I lean over him or lay next to him. The other day I fell asleep while I was nursing him, and the gentle stroke of his fingers on my cheek woke me up. Heavenly.

P.S. Yes, that is my husband's messy dresser in the background. Which brings me to:

*******

When reading blogs that other mothers have, I have to be very careful about not comparing myself. 'Myself' meaning my post-pregnancy body compared to theirs, my blog posting frequency compared to theirs, the tidy-ness of my home compared to theirs. I realized that this morning, while taking photos of Rafael playing on the living room floor. I had just vacuumed, the sun was shining, he was cheerful, and the photos turned out beautifully. It hit me suddenly that, if I were to post these, you would never guess that the floor was filthy ten minutes before...that it was overcast the rest of the day...that he started crying a few minutes afterwards...and that I have been sick with the stomach flu for the past four days.

Isn't that good to know?

None of us bloggers, mommies or otherwise, are quite as interesting, tidy, or perfect as our blogs might have you think.

Well....at least I'm not.

xoxoxo

Peanut Butter Chocolate Cookies

2012-01-07T01:26:00.001+01:00

Over the many years that Ramon and I have been together, we have formed little traditions, which I treasure, no matter how simple, because they are our own.

One of these traditions is that, every year at Christmas time, and only at Christmas time, we make these cookies. Their ingredients are so simple, and the result so delicious, especially with a tall glass of cold milk.

When we have finished eating the entire batch (which doesn't take long), I always want to make a second, but never do. Because part of the tradition is that we only have these once a year, which makes them very special.

Here is the recipe, based on one from the ever wonderful Betty Crocker. I hope you will enjoy them as much as we do!

Peanut Butter Chocolate Cookies

Pre-heat oven to 375°F or 190°C

Ingredients:

1/2 cup granulated sugar

1/2 cup packed brown sugar

1/2 cup creamy peanut butter

1/2 cup softened butter

1 egg

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

3/4 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

granulated sugar for rolling

chocolate candies, chunks, or pieces for the middle

Stir the sugars, the peanut butter, the softened butter, and the egg in a standing mixer.

Stir in the flour, baking soda, and baking powder. Add the vanilla and mix.

Form small balls of dough; roll in the granulated sugar. Place about 2 inches apart on ungreased cookies sheets. No need to press them; they will spread on their own.

Bake for about 8 minutes, being careful not to let them get brown, so that they stay chewy.

Immediately after removing then from the oven, press one chocolate firmly into the center of each cookie.

Cool on a wire rack.

xoxo

A New Path

2012-01-03T22:04:00.000+01:00

"Imagine that every thought you have, every word you utter, every deed of yours brings some benefit to the world." -Deepak Chopra, The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire

With this intention, so full of grace and goodness, I begin the new year with you all.

A new path, a fresh start. A time to remember our promises to ourselves, and a time to refresh them. And another row of four beautiful seasons, stretched out ahead, to be explored and celebrated.

Rejoice! We have been given a new year!

xoxo

What A Beautiful Year!

2011-12-31T22:00:00.001+01:00

-January-

-February-

-March-

-April-

-May-

-June-

-July-

-August-

-September-

-October-

-November-

-December-

Your 10 Favorite Posts of the Year, In Order of Number of Comments

The Most Happy News

Welcome, Rafael!

That Face

Failure To Thrive: Mommy Doesn't Always Know Best

Sneak Peek: Rafael's Nursery

Breastfeeding, Formula Feeding, Pumping, and Other Candidness

Remembering Rafael's All Natural Labor And Birth

Positive Forces

Cold Happy Days

Happy Days

My Favorite Posts of the Year

A Perfect Morning

Wild Flowers

The Gift of a Childhood in Nature

Welcome, Summer!

There's A Change In The Air

Tiny Treasures, August

The Height of Autumn

Misty Autumn Morning and an Encounter with the Mysterious Phenologist

A Beautiful Fall Weekend

Wreath Making at the Farm House

Rafael is Three Months Old!

A December Walk in the Woods

This Year's Recipes

Pumpkin Ravioli with Bacon Cream Sauce

Gooey Cocoa Brownies

Chicken Paprikash

Homemade Apricot Jam

Favorite Movies of the Year

Winter's Bone

Bridesmaids

Hanna

Fair Game

Social Network

The Adjustment Bureau

Favorite TV Shows of the Year

Mad Men

30 Rock
Glee

Favorite Discoveries of the Year

Pinterest

La Porte Rouge

gap.eu

flikr

Servus magazine

Ray LaMontagne

Most Favorite Thing of All

What a year it has been! So transforming. Full of love and lessons, pain and joy...just so FULL.

I am deeply grateful for the blessings which overflowed this year, and grateful, also, for the friendship, kind words, understanding, compassion, advice, and companionship I have received here from all of you.

THANK YOU. Thank you for another year of wonderful kinship.

Here's to another year of all those good things that make us smile, learn, nod, contemplate, and grow.

Happy New Year!

Lots of love,

Dawn

A December Walk In The Woods

2011-12-29T00:59:00.000+01:00

How strange that these are photographs of December in Austria. Normally at this time of year we are tucked deep in banks of white snow. But these days, the air is mild, and the birds sing as if it's late March.

These are quiet days; walks, cooking, talking, watching movies, and mostly, spending time with Rafael.

I took out all of my old January issues of my favorite magazines from the couch table and have them in a neat stack, ready to be leafed through like they are every year. Am I the only one whose favorite issues are the January ones? They are always so full of clean freshness...humble designs and hearty, simple meals. Somewhat of a relief from the gaudy Christmas issues, where you feel this pressure for decorating and cooking to be especially spectacular.

January lies ahead...a new year. Soon we'll be packing up the holiday decorations and bringing home hyacinth and tulips.

But first, we'll enjoy these final days of December. And who knows...maybe snow will fall after all?

xoxo

Rafael's First Christmas

2011-12-27T17:18:00.002+01:00

My favorite thing about our Christmas celebration this year was that, everyone was in perfect harmony with each other. The peace between us was so palpable, and our joy so real. What a blessing!

Ramon cooked most of our delicious feast: two roasted chickens, the annual traditional carrot souffle, mushroom gravy, and two apple pies. I made a beet root, orange, and roasted walnut salad, and my sister in law brought dumplings. I was so proud of Ramon, who only learned how to cook in the past four months, and is astonishingly good at it.

Rafael slept through the all the festivities, which I thought was pretty funny. It was as if he knew it would have all been too much for him. As everyone was putting on their shoes and coats to leave, I heard him rustling in the bedroom and there he was, ready to say a quick hello and goodbye to our guests. It was actually so perfect this way, because I was able to enjoy our meal and gift giving, and we were both stress-free.

The most important thing was that he got to see his great grandmother, and that I got a few photographs of them together. I am glad that he will see them someday, when she is gone, and he doesn't remember.

Once the last person shut the door behind them, our home was still and warm and we let out sighs and relaxed. I put Raffi into some reindeer pajamas and we opened his gifts with him. Holding my chubby little angel, sitting by the twinkling Christmas tree, whispering to him about Santa, unwrapping a little wooden carousel and a vintage race car....it was all such a dream come true.

It was a very special Christmas, indeed. Probably the most special of all.

xoxo

My Christmas Wish For You All

2011-12-25T09:08:00.000+01:00

Merry and bright, festive and fun.

Wishing you all magical moments and cheerful celebration!

xoxo country girl

'Twas Two Nights Before Christmas...

2011-12-24T01:17:00.002+01:00

I shot these while Rafael was napping. It was very quiet, with the twinkling lights of the christmas tree, the warm glow of the candles, and the clove and citrus scent of pomanders. This year I wasn't able to decorate all at once like I usually do, because as a mother, you must steal moments to get anything done that doesn't have to do with the baby. But this made the fun last longer, and I really enjoyed putting little pieces here and there over the days.

Today we bounced around town, getting our major grocery shopping done, and I loved seeing people I know (or didn't know) and greeting them with a smile and a hearty 'Frohe Weihnachten!' Everyone is so busy in the days leading up to Christmas, and I noticed very strongly that some people love the holidays, while others become a bitter, annoyed, and frustrated mess (this was very apparent in line for cheese and milk at the farmer's market). Thank goodness, my husband and I belong to the people who really enjoy the holidays.

My husband brought the Canon 5D camera from his workplace and invited me to take photos with it over the holidays. I am so in love with this camera. As much as you can be in love with something inanimate. I didn't do a single thing to these pictures in photoshop, and these were taken in the evening, in our home, with very little light. I am so impressed! We can't afford to buy one for ourselves at this point, but I am so happy that I have access to this awesome piece of equipment once in a while.

I know you are all busy in your own homes with preparations and festivities...Thank you for dropping by to visit mine, I am always so happy when you do!

I'll be back with more holiday cheer soon...

xoxo country girl

Rafael is 3 Months Old!

2011-12-15T15:39:00.000+01:00

HIP HIP HOORAY!

YOU'RE THREE MONTHS OLD TODAY!

What can I say about the blessing that is my son?

Watching him grow, seeing his smile, laughing together, comforting him when he cries, cuddling up close at night, witnessing him doing brand new things....

I am grateful every day!

xoxoxo

When Will It Feel Like Christmas?

2011-12-14T16:27:00.001+01:00

Not a single snow flake so far. Not one.

Ramon complained the other day: "It doesn't feel like Christmas at all." So I took out a little box of decorations and had Frank Sinatra croon Christmas tunes while I lit candles. Still, it's been awkwardly warm (not really warm but warm for December) and we're all starting to wonder: When will it start to feel like Christmas?

The advent wreath I made a few weeks back was shedding needles and looking quite sad. I finally decided to take it apart and transform it into an advent bowl. It looks very pretty and made me think of my mom, who always knew how to make something out of nothing. Once we lived in one room together. We ate meals sitting on pillows on the floor, cooked on a hot plate, and slept in one bed. But it was clean, and warm, and cozy. I guess I learned how to think creatively from her.

So mom, this impromptu advent bowl is dedicated to you.

It does make it feel a little more like Christmas.

xoxoxo

Favorite Things These Days

2011-12-08T17:19:00.000+01:00

* Staying up after Rafael and Ramon have gone to bed for some 'me' time

* Crawling into bed in the pitch black darkness, hearing them breath, and pulling Rafael to me, breathing in the sweet smell of his baby head

* Visiting the most beautiful corners of the world through people's photographs and discovering my favorites on flikr

* Greek yogurt with nuts and honey

* The sound of my husband's key in the door at the end of the day

* Having a cleaning lady come for two hours every Friday (this is a Godsend)

* Watching kids bundled up in scarves with red noses skating clumsily on the ice rink in the town square, and imagining Raffi doing it when he's older

* Ginger Ale mixed with cranberry juice

* The country farm, foggy hillside, dogs cats horses, and quiet contemplative words of Nadia

* Medicine that is healing me and soothing my pain

* The farmer's market

* Boston napping on the couch like a person with his belly up, his legs splayed, and his head on a pillow

* Cuddling up on the couch with my boys and the dogs to watch the casting show The Voice Of Germany on Thursday and Friday nights, cheering the contestants on and getting goosebumps when they sing

* Rafael's smiles

* Rafael's gibberish conversations with me while I change his diapers

* My husband's roasted chicken

* Seeing houses sparkle in Christmas lights on freezing cold evening walks through town

* Kiki jumping up on the bed while I'm nursing Raffi even though she's not allowed...but letting her stay, because she just looks so happy and peaceful sleeping there, and I know how much she misses it

Wishing you all many favorite things to sweeten your days.

xoxoxo

P.S. I have the most wonderful readers....friends, really. Thank you all so much for the nice things you shared after my last post. I'm healing well and hope that I will be lucky enough to continue breast feeding Rafael for a long time.

Breastfeeding, Formula Feeding, Pumping, And Other Candidness

2011-12-07T00:11:00.008+01:00

"Invented in the mid-1800s as a last-ditch option for orphans and underweight babies, packaged infant formula has since been perfected to be a complete and reliable source of stress and shame for mothers. Once I let go of my guilt, which took a while, the only remaining obstacle was the Teat Nazis. You can recognize the TNs by their hand-carved daggers: 'Are you breast-feeding? Isn't it amazing? I really think it's how I lost the weight so easily. You're not nursing? She's only fifteen months; You should try again!' Now, let me be clear; millions of women around the world nurse their children beautifully for years without giving anybody else a hard time about it. Teat Nazis are a solely western upper-middle-class phenomenon occurring when highly ambitious women experience deprivation from outside modes of achievement. I was defensive and grouchy whenever the topic came up. At a party with a friend who was successfully nursing her little boy, I watched her husband produce a bottle of pumped breast milk that was the size of a Big Gulp. It was more milk than I had produced in my whole seven weeks of pumping. As my friend's husband fed the baby, he said offhandedly, 'This stuff is liquid gold. You know it actually makes them smarter?' 'Let's set a date!' I screamed. 'IQ test. Five ears from today. My formula baby will crush your baby!' Thankfully my mouth was so full of cake that they couldn't understand me."
-Excerpt from Tina Fey's Bossypants

Feeding this lovely baby of mine has been quite an adventure so far, and when I say that, I unfortunately don't mean a pleasant one. As wonderful as every other aspect of motherhood has been, breastfeeding has, up until now, proven to be very challenging, and all in all, a source of grief.

The few times that I have nursed Rafael without pain and with breasts that were full of enough milk to satisfy his hunger were beautiful. The look of contentment on his face, his little hand touching my hand or chest, the sound of him gulping down warm milk happily, holding him to my breast and studying every line of his face...those are amazing moments. It makes me pretty sad that I haven't had many of those moments, and I hope women out there who breastfeed their lucky babies without pain or problems are aware of what a blessing that is!

It's been a frustrating and pain-filled journey from the beginning. The first week of Rafael's life, my nipples were cracked and bleeding, which is normal for a first time mom, so I just took it as part of the package and didn't complain.

As many of you know, I was then diagnosed with endometritis, an infection which can end in being steril or even death. I had to take heavy antibiotics to treat it, and was of course relieved when it was taken care of.

What I didn't know then was that either the infection or the antibiotics caused me to have a very low milk supply. Rafael ended up being underweight at five weeks because he wasn't getting enough nourishment, and I had to begin supplementing with formula.

Supplementing gave me mixed feelings. I was really glad that Rafael was getting the nourishment he needed, and was grateful that I at least had some milk, however little to give him. But I also felt like a failure. It was so frustrating to not be able to do that which should come so naturally to a mother. Every time I was at the cash register with a container of formula, I felt like the cashier and the people behind me in line were thinking, "Why doesn't she breastfeed her baby? Doesn't she know breast milk is best?" I always felt like yelling, "I know breast milk is best! I don't have a choice! This isn't how I want it to be!" Every time I pulled out a bottle to feed Raffi in front of other people, I felt the urge to explain the situation. I didn't want people thinking I'm a bad mother.

Friends and family would keep asking, "Are you still supplementing?" The ones who were for the bottle would urge me to continue, the ones who were against it would assure me I must have enough milk by now. All were full of best intentions, but I was getting so tired of talking, thinking, living, and breathing the breast milk/formula battle. (This post is, I guess, me letting out all of that built up frustration.)

Now, what the antibiotics I took for the endometritis also did was compromise my immune system, and Rafael's. He ended up getting thrush, a type of yeast infection, in his mouth, which is very common for babies. It was taken care of within a few days of medication, but in that time, my left breast got infected with thrush without me knowing it.

I began having this severe shooting pain deep in my breast and burning on the nipple both when he latched on and for a couple hours afterwards (and since there are only a couple hours between feedings, the pain was basically constant). Since he had started on the bottle, I assumed he had what they call 'nipple confusion,' and was having trouble switching between the bottle and me. I thought his latch was the problem, so I would fumble around with his lips, making sure they were sufficiently flanged, all the while in horrible pain and in fear he would pull or bight down and make the pain even worse, which he did sometimes.

The really bitter thing about this situation was that, my left breast was the one that actually had a fair amount of milk. When I would pump, about 50 mm would come out of the left breast, and about 10 would come out of the right (a baby his age needs about 160 mm of milk to be full, just so you can get an idea of how much my milk supply falls short). So, if I wanted to continue breast feeding, which I of course did, I had to give Rafael the breast where I was experiencing horrible pain.

To make matters worse (if you can believe it gets worse), I was also getting what are called 'blebs' on my left nipple: little blisters at the openings of the nipples which then block the milk and cause both stinging pain and clogged ducts. I won't go into further detail, but I don't think I need to.

Needless to say, I have pretty much been a mess these past few weeks. I owe my sanity and ability to laugh most of this off to my sunshine of a son and my loving, supportive husband.

When I was sure his latch was alright, I thought the nipple just needed to heal and the pain would eventually go away. But when it only got worse, I finally started researching discovered that my symptoms matched up with having thrush. The pain was so intense yesterday morning that I finally dragged myself to the doctor. I hate going to the doctor, and I have the bad habit of waiting until something is unbearable before I go.

I refused antibiotics and am trying to treat the thrush with homeopathy and natural medicine. It's been two days and I am beginning to feel some relief.

Aside from using this post to vent a little, I also hope it will let you all know that not every woman in line for the cash register with formula in her hand is buying it because she just doesn't feel like breast feeding, and doesn't care that it's not as good for her baby as breast milk. Not every mother automatically overflows with lovely milk, no matter how much she wishes she would.

For some of us, breast feeding is a stony way.

But I'm not giving up!

xoxoxo

Quiet Days of December

2011-12-03T17:56:00.001+01:00

We're waiting every day for snow to cover this village in white...no luck yet. It's a brown world for now, though sometimes there is blue mist or frost.

If you look closely at the middle picture, you will see the tip of the huge Christmas tree which is put up every December in the town square, where there is also a Christmas market and an ice skating rink. Yesterday I bought candied almonds, turkish delight, and roasted chestnuts in a little paper cone. It's such a wonderful time of year.

Happy December!

xoxo country girl

Rafael, 10 Weeks Old

2011-12-01T16:09:00.000+01:00

I took these today after Rafael's bath. He is so incredibly sweet, so full of smiles and laughter...though I know he looks serious here. It's funny: whenever there's a camera pointed at him, he gets very quiet and concentrated. Then I put it away and he starts laughing at me!

I am so happy being his mother.

xoxo country girl

The Color Of Winter

2011-11-23T22:48:00.000+01:00

"The color of springtime is in the flowers; the color of winter is in the imagination."
-Terri Guillemets

The hoarfrost is even thicker today. I hiked up to the hill top, huffing and puffing, Rafael huddled warmly into his carrier as usual. I am so greedy when it comes to photographs. The strong desire to capture beauty with my camera lens gets me itchy and desperate to go out into the world. I don't want to miss anything. Some people collect baseball cards or shoes. I collect images.

I read a quote, "Having a camera does not make you a photographer," and it's true, I'm not a photographer. But I love taking photographs. Love it.

See pictures of today's striking hoarfrost on the phenologist. It was so beautiful that I didn't feel the cold.

xoxo

Hoarfrost Over A Quiet Village

2011-11-22T15:32:00.000+01:00

Last night on an evening walk I could have sworn I smelled snow. That cold, sweet, clean smell.

There was no snow, but all the tree tops were heavy and white with hoarfrost early this morning. I bundled Rafael up into his carrier and set out down the village street which leads to the woods. Houses had blue smoke seeping out of their chimneys. It was very still and we were the only ones out, though there was a group of crows flying low in the grey sky.

Tiny kernels of ice floated on the air which could have been mistaken for snow, but were really only bits of frost sifting down from the branches. Raffi observed everything with his inquisitive eyes, but was still sleepy, and soon closed them, napping while I stopped to take photographs. He looked so cozy, like a little chipmunk cuddled in for winter.

I took a few pictures in the icy forest, which you can see over at the phenologist.

I would say Winter has begun here in this peaceful little corner of the world. Soon Rafael will see his first snow.

Wreath Making at the Farmhouse

2011-11-20T12:56:00.000+01:00

My friend Daniela, whose baby girl was born four days after Rafael, invited me over to her farmhouse for a get together to make advent wreaths. She lives with her husband and daughter in an old farmhouse at the end of a dirt road outside of town. It's so rural that no snow plows go out there, and her husband has to clear the way with a tractor when it snows.

Us women gathered around a huge old table, our babies and children piled on the couch and crawling on the floor, while the men headed out to cut evergreen branches, rose hips, and berries.

Beginning with the first Sunday of Advent, you light one candle. An additional candle is lit during each subsequent week until, by the last Sunday before Christmas, all four candles are lit.

That familiar spicy fragrance of cut evergreens filled the room when the men carried in arm loads of branches; the smell of the Christmas season.

We chatted, wound branches with wire around straw rings, breastfed our babies, played with toddlers, ate cookies, drank tea, and decorated our wreaths with nuts, berries, pine cones and candles.

Certainly, one of the most wonderful parts of holidays are the preparations!

Rafael napped and then played with some other babies (meaning he lay next to them and sucked on his hand). He was so peaceful and content. I can't help but feel very proud of him every time I look at his sweet face.

I chose to use the classic colors of the holiday: red, white, and green, with some browns mixed in for a touch of rustic country charm.

I love how it turned out and hope Daniela will hold this gathering again next year. There's just something about a group of women, sharing conversation and using their hands to make things together, that feels very right to me.

November on the Little Ranch

2011-11-17T21:31:00.000+01:00

On Rafael's 2 month birthday, I walked with him to the little ranch on the edge of town where there are sheep and ponies. I know he is still too young to really notice them, but going there with him made me look forward to the many times we will visit the animals in coming years with carrots and oats in hand.

I get swept up in anticipation and filled with happiness when I imagine all the things we will share, all the things I will show him, and the fun he'll have.

Thank you for all the congratulations; there are so many moments each day when I can hardly believe my luck to have been blessed with this amazing little being.

2 Months Old!

2011-11-15T12:00:00.149+01:00

Here he is. My little boy. My sweet son. Rafael is two months old already!

He is such a wonderful baby. He smiles so much, and makes me warm inside just by looking at me. We talk to each other without words, and I can tell, he likes me too. He lets me know with giggles and gurgles, and by showing me how much he needs me near.

When he takes a nap, at first I'm happy, because I can eat something, refill my water glass, do a load of laundry, and blog a little. But after a while I start to miss him. REALLY miss him. I let him continue sleeping, but when he finally stirs, I go to his crib, lean over, say hello, and he looks into my eyes, and then gives me the biggest, sunniest grin. We both laugh a little, and I help him stretch his arms and legs, and give him a nice tummy rub, all the while smiling and laughing with him. And then, after a little while, he lets me know it's enough, and that it's time for him to eat. With that first little whine in his voice, my mother-heart leaps, knowing I am needed, and knowing I can give him what he needs.

He likes to lie on his changing table, looking up at the little fat butterfly that hangs there. He thinks that butterfly is so hilarious. He'll just grin up at it and start cracking up. If he gets really fussy I bring him there and he'll stop crying right away. And if I need to brush my teeth and get dressed, his Papa stands there with him and they have a good laugh together.

Raffi loves bath time. When I place him in the water, first he stares at me with wide eyes and is very still. Then, suddenly, he smiles, and starts kicking his feet around wildly and making an 'O' with his mouth. He doesn't, however, like being taken out of the bath. But I wrap him up warm, put a fresh diaper on him, and nurse him right away, breathing in the lovely scent of fresh clean baby boy.

He's a great sleeper. He usually sleeps from 11 until 4 or 5 in the morning straight through, pressed up against my body. His favorite position is with his head buried between my arm and chest. I can't imagine him sleeping somewhere else...our night cuddles are the best!

When he gets fussy because he's hungry, he turns red and looks so poor. But as soon as I sit cross-legged with the nursing pillow on my lap, and start to take out my breast, he looks at me with pursed lips and kicks his legs around; he knows what's coming.

He weighs 5 kilos now, and is healthy as can be.

Here are 10 things I have learned thus far:

1. Don't get attached to any sort of eating and sleeping schedule. Even if it holds for a few days or weeks, it can suddenly change. Be flexible!

2. Instead of constantly trying to locate a cloth diaper for burping and spit up, have baby wear a bib around his neck. It sounds obvious, but I always considered bibs to be for older babies who are already on solids. I'm so glad I discovered how handy they can be for nursing/bottle fed babes!

3. Watch for the first subtle signals of hunger or boredom; knowing these and acting quickly will save you from a 'screaming baby situation.'

4. Learn quickly who to talk to about what. While it's nice to exchange words with other mothers, or doctors, midwives, and parents, it can get confusing and overwhelming, because everyone seems to have conflicting opinions on things. I've learned now that, when most people ask how Rafael or I am doing, I should just answer that everything is going great (which is true). I only get into the little details of small challenges or problems with people I can trust to not be upset if I don't take their advice, and who are open to opinions other than their own.

5. Don't get stressed about picking up the phone when it rings, answering emails right away, or getting to an appointment on time. People will understand. And if they don't, that's their problem. I've realized that being in a hurry is a choice.

6. Take a lot of photographs and home videos. People aren't kidding when they say 'They grow up so fast!' Also, put the age of the baby in the title of the picture or video.

7. Prioritize. I had all these ideas in my head before Rafael was born: him in an adorable costume for his first Halloween, a family photo shoot for Christmas cards, and being a well-dressed, well-groomed, skinny Mom. None of these things has happened, and I'm OK with that. Those things aren't priorities right now; eating and drinking enough for my energy and milk supply, getting lots of body and eye contact with Raffi, giving the dogs attention when I can, and spending time talking and laughing with my husband....those are my real priorities.

8. Sometimes when your baby is fussing, the solution is so simple. Change his position, hold him, or just smile at him and talk to him. For some reason I am still always surprised when it becomes clear that all that he was missing in that moment was love and attention. Your baby needs more than just nourishment. Bonding and connecting with your baby is really important, too.

9. That having been said, giving your baby space and time to just explore his surroundings with his eyes and to just be is also important. I try to let him sit quietly and observe for as long as he wants to. He lets me know when he wants company again.

10. Find the right balance between 'Humble First Time Mom' and 'Lion Mama.' The humility part comes in when you have to admit that the way you've been doing something is not right and needs to be changed. When you need to listen to advice and realize that other people may know better than you about certain things, because they have more experience. Listen to their advice and take it as help, not as criticism towards you as a mother. Lion Mama comes in when you need to listen to your gut and stick to your guns. FINDING THIS BALANCE IS THE MOST CHALLENGING THING FOR ME and I will probably be working on it for a while.

It has been such an amazing time so far. And I keep thinking about the many things ahead, all the growth and changes, for both Raffi and us, and just feel so incredibly blessed.

I am so grateful for Rafael's life, for his health, and for his happiness!

Pumpkin Ravioli With Bacon Cream Sauce

2011-11-09T23:04:00.002+01:00

While my mother was visiting in October, she took some leftover cooked noodles and threw them together with warm bacon and topfen, which is an austrian dairy product that is something like a fusion of cream cheese, sour cream, and cottage cheese. The result was delicious. She told me that she had based the impromptu dish on a Hungarian recipe from her childhood called Túrós Tészta. She remembered it being a side dish to fish, but it was certainly filling and satisfying enough on its own.

Traditionally the recipe calls for egg noodles, but when I saw a package of fresh pumpkin ravioli at the market a light bulb went off. Pumpkin, sour cream, bacon, and a cold autumn day. The perfect combination.

There are a few fantastic things about this meal: it's incredibly quick, very scrumptious, filling, comforting, and very versatile. My mom used leftover pasta, I used ravioli, and you can basically substitute any kind of noodle, from tortellini to gnocchi, or stick with the classic flat egg noodle.

Click on the Túrós Tészta link above for the Hungarian version, or follow mine. Either way, you will love the creamy, tasty result.

Pumpkin Ravioli with Bacon Cream Sauce

1 package fresh pumpkin ravioli (or make your own if you're up for it)

Around 8 slices of smokey bacon, diced into small pieces

1 Tablespoon butter

2 cups sour cream

Salt and pepper

Chopped chives for garnish

Cook the ravioli and drain.

Fry up the butter and bacon bits in a pan until bacon is glassy.

Remove the pan from the stove top.

Toss ravioli in the pan with the bacon.

Add 2/3 of your sour cream and toss quickly, just long enough to warm up the sour cream.

Divide onto serving dishes, sprinkle with salt and freshly ground pepper to taste, add a dollop of sour cream, and garnish with chopped chives.

Enjoy!

A Beautiful Fall Weekend

2011-11-08T13:22:00.002+01:00

Kiki goes leaf crazy this time of year. She is a leaf chaser extraordinaire! Witnessing the excitement she feels dashing after leaves would fill anyone with joy; her happiness is very infectious!

We spent the most lovely hours of the weekend hiking in the woods, soaking up the final days of foliage. Sure enough, yesterday brought winds which sent the last of the leaves down.

This is a handmade bird feeder that stands in the middle of the woods. It's a heart warming thought that there are other people who love the birds as much as I do.

Someone, I wish I knew who, makes these stick 'teepees' all around the forest. This time they covered one with fallen leaves. So lovely!

Raffi loves our walks. He usually keeps his eyes wide open for the way up into the forest, and then naps for the way back. We keep each other nice and toasty.

Ramon giving the dogs water. (And Kiki smiling...I know one of you mentioned her looking 'sad,' but that's just the way Cavaliers usually look. Here's proof that she's doing well!)

Rafael, 7 weeks old. He'll be 2 months next Tuesday. My bundle of love.

P.S. I thought I would let you know that I've finally followed my passion for nature and photography and have created a new blog dedicated solely to my nature photographs. May All Seasons Be Sweet To Thee will remain my personal blog, where I share my thoughts and pictures of my life and family. But I have always wanted a collection of my nature photography, all in one place. So, I've begun The Phenologist. Please don't feel obligated to follow both of my blogs; I just wanted to welcome anyone who is in love with nature and seasons like I am to visit The Phenologist, a place dedicated purely to celebrating the beauty of wildlife.

Misty Autumn Morning and An Encounter With The Mysterious Phenologist

2011-11-03T16:09:00.001+01:00

It was a cold, misty morning. I bundled up with Raffi and we set out into the deep russet red of the November woods, camera in hand, hoping to capture the last firey colors before they blow away. Autumn is so short and precious...blink twice and you might miss it.

My heart was pounding as we entered the forest. Surely, this is the absolute height of color for the year. Copper leaves spilled everywhere, fluttering and spinning through the air.

We came to the hunter's lookout that was put up in the summer.

Behind it, thick fog curling around tree tops.

The little wild daisies on the roadside were a pale contrast to all the deep vivid colors. They were wilting and wet with dew, but still holding on.

Sometimes, when I'm leaning close to take a picture of brittle weeds and brush, I wonder if anyone else who walks by thinks they are pretty like I do.

And did anyone else notice the charm of this cluster of inky mushrooms?

It was impossible to avoid the wet muck of these tire tracks, glistening with puddles full of leaves. But who can bother caring about muddy shoes when the world looks like this?

Raffi was asleep by now in his carrier, his hands folded neatly and his chest rising and falling against mine. I was filled with happiness, realizing that I was finally doing it...I was finally sharing this season with my very own child. I have longed for this for so many years!

I continued down the path, the tall trees reaching into the mist on either side. The only sound was my sneakers crunching in the leaves.

We passed the skinny trees, as I call them...they look odd and interesting in every season, but especially now, so bare, like a bunch of matchsticks someone shoved into the ground.

And somewhere along the way, I spotted him. The phenologist. Walking down the path, his hands behind his back, the faint sweet scent of pipe tobacco smoke trailing behind him.

He walked slowly, taking in the colors, noticing the wilting daisies, the roadside weeds, and the inky mushrooms, just like me.

Or...was it just an old man?

In my imagination, he is the phenologist. Noticing all the little seasonal changes. Jotting down careful notes in a little book that is falling apart with age. Drawing sketches of plants and insects. Taking photographs of the first green spears of wild garlic in March and stopping in his tracks to listen to the crow's lonely caw in December.

As we stepped out of the forest, I turned back to look at the red tree tops, and thought of the phenologist, whose heart is one with mine.

Breathtaking Autumn Colors

2011-11-01T19:14:00.000+01:00

Autumn is the easiest time to take beautiful photographs. The trees and ground are saturated with such a variety of intense colors; russet, gold, chocolate, maroon. Whether the sky is a piercing blue or hazy with thick mist, your photos turn out with great atmosphere. I get desperate in the fall, trying to capture all the glorious foliage before it flies off of the branches. I took 50 pictures on our walk today.

I couldn't stop sighing and smiling this morning. Kiki was trying to catch falling leaves and Boston was scurrying up and down the path with his nose to the ground. Raffi observed everything with his big blue eyes before falling asleep in the carrier. It's a holiday here in Austria today, so I had the joy of my husband's company. I told him: fall and winter are my favorite times of year to take photographs. Fall is full of colorful splendor, and winter is reduced, almost black and white.

I never tire of the four seasons and I think my photographs reflect that. On days where I feel lethargic and uninspired, I need only take my camera with me out into the woods, no matter the weather, and I will always find something beautiful to take a picture of out there. And to share with you.

We stepped out of the blazing red and yellow of the forest and back into the village, shrouded in fog. I looked at the houses tucked into the wooded hillside and felt a bolt of gratitude in my heart. Calling such a beautiful place my home.

Happy November!

The Height Of Autumn

2011-10-30T16:03:00.001+01:00

What a golden day we've had!

My mother Julia was here for a short visit, traveling all the way from California to meet her grandson. Today was her last day, and nature shone in golden glory on our final walk together.

October is coming to an end. The arrival of November is a reminder: winter is right around the corner, with stark landscapes and short days. So we soak up these final glowing hours and ready ourselves for the long stretch of cold.

P.S. I've realized it may be a long time until I get a photograph of Raffi and myself where I am wearing makeup. So until then, I am being brave and posting pictures of my naked face. :)

Thriving

2011-10-29T00:20:00.000+02:00

Autumn is here in all it's colorful glory. The foliage is taking it's time this year, which I appreciate. I don't remember to bring my camera on every walk these days, but when I do, there is always something beautiful to capture.

This has been my first chance to go online since I wrote my last blog post and I am touched by the loving comments you all left for me here. It's been a very trying and rewarding time, and continues to be. Rafael has been gaining wonderfully, now weighing just over four kilos. He is a very happy baby, blessing us with his sunny smiles during the day and warm soft cuddles at night.

The difficulty now lies in finding the right way to go forward, as far as feeding Rafael goes. I am juggling many different opinions about this and it's not easy knowing what to do, who to listen to. I am inclined to listen to my own gut, but the fact that this didn't lead me in the right direction before is making me insecure about that. I've been close to tears a few times now, so frustrated by the conflicting advice and the stress that overcomes me when I don't follow it because it isn't what feels right.

Today I spoke with a midwife who recommended something wonderful: naked nursing. I went home, undressed my little boy down to his diaper, and took off my top. We snuggled down under a warm comforter and I nursed him for half an hour, taking in his lovely baby smell and holding his soft back with my hand. The midwife told me that our skin contact would help build more milk, besides being a precious way to bond. It was so special!

So, I have yet to build back up complete faith in my mother's instinct, but I am finding my way.

And falling more in love with my son every day.

xoxo

Failure To Thrive: Mommy Doesn't Always Know Best

2011-10-20T12:40:00.000+02:00

What would you think if I told you I have a one month old boy who nurses throughout the day, sleeps soundly in the night waking only once to be changed and fed, rarely cries, and smiles often? It sounds like a perfectly healthy little baby, doesn't it?

We thought Rafael couldn't be happier and healthier. Sure, he drank all day long with only very short naps of about 15 minutes in between, but I had informed myself about cluster feedings and growth spurts, and assumed that's what was going on. Besides, everyone says 'breast is best,' and I was following the feeding-on-demand routine that I had heard such good things about. Sure, it was all-consuming and was all I did, day in and day out. But that's what the first few weeks are like, right?

My friend Daniela had her baby just a few days after me, and when she said her daughter slept between two and four hours between feedings, I was surprised. I barely had time to go to the bathroom or pour a fresh glass of water before my little one was awake again, fussing for milk. I just thought he needs to be nursed a lot right now, was having a growth spurt, and didn't think anymore of it. After all, you hear from mothers all the time about never getting to do anything because they are consumed with nursing.

That's why I was upset when I brought my son in for his 5 week check-up and heard the doctor say with dismay, "Why are you so skinny, little man?" She weighed him and I was utterly shocked to learn that he weighed less now than he did when he was born.

"Your baby has acute failure to thrive and must be supplemented immediately. If he doesn't gain weight quickly, it could have very bad consequences for his health."

Meanwhile Rafael was screaming, naked, on the doctor's changing table, and for the first time, I could see that he was, indeed, thin. I had assumed that, since I was feeding him all day, he was having a growth spurt, and was stretching out longer, accounting for the fact that he wasn't round. But now I understood that I was so terribly wrong. I held back my own tears, looking at him, so small, and feeling like I had truly failed him.

The doctor told me to begin a new daily rhythm: Nurse him from both breasts, note the time he stopped nursing, then give him a bottle of formula and let him drink until he is full. Two hours after he stopped nursing the last time, repeat this. At first this sounded impossible to me, because Raffi had never had a two hour pause, whether sleeping or awake, between feeding during the day. This, I came to understand, was the root of the problem. He would drink, doze off after a little while, rarely getting to the fatty hindmilk and never drinking until he was really full, and then would wake up unsatisfied a short while later. Not only was he not getting sufficient nutrition, my breasts also didn't have time to recover and build nutrient-rich, fatty milk. So it was a very new experience for me (and certainly for him) when he drank from my breasts and then had formula, and was truly FULL. He slept peacefully for two hours, and would have slept longer if I hadn't woke him up to be fed again. So THIS was how it was supposed to be! He was now getting real meals, instead of snacking all day.

Not only was Rafael getting his fill of nutrients, but now the days actually had a schedule, a routine. I was able to take walks, go grocery shopping, clean the apartment, or eat a meal.

As nice as this new rhythm is, and as absolutely relieved and overjoyed I am that Raffi is now thriving (he gain over 100 grams in two days), I am constantly haunted by how my 'motherly instinct' failed me, and by how I in turn failed my baby. I still can't fully understand how it could get so far without me realizing something was wrong. Of course, one of the main reasons I believed I had a totally healthy child was because he acted like one, including giving me me big sunny grins every time he woke up or when I stroked his cheek or belly.

This whole ordeal has really put a dent in my confidence as a parent. I always thought I would instictively know what to do, and would automatically feel what is best for my child, but I was so wrong. It's hard to know how to continue now that I have experienced just how off-track my sense of how things are can be.

It's very little comfort that no one else ever commented on Rafael being to thin or looking like he was in poor health.

In any case, we are on the road to recovery...Raffi is recovering physically, and I am trying to recover emotionally, trying to build back my confidence as a mother.

Today's Walk In Pictures

2011-10-13T18:34:00.000+02:00

We had a beautiful October afternoon. Hope you did, too!

xoxo

Lately

2011-10-04T14:51:00.000+02:00

Whether asleep or awake, he is now my life....little Rafael.

Learning to be a mom is amazing. Learning to be a parent together with my husband is amazing as well. Learning to cherish these difficult, beautiful first weeks for what they are, irreplaceable, is humbling.

I was so caught up in the basic grind of things, changing diapers, nursing, comforting, worrying....that it truly took me by surprise yesterday when I gazed down at my son, who was drinking at my breast, and was absolutely overcome with love. The hard nights and and tired days all melted away and all that was left was this awe and pure love. Now that I'm no longer dealing with my own poor health, or consumed by worrying about whether I am doing everything right and whether or not this next day or night will bring something unexpected and difficult, I am really able to just LOVE him.

People talk about having baby blues, where you 'cry for no reason.' A few times I found myself on the verge of tears, usually when Raffi was crying and I was trying to soothe him, and I must say, I don't think the tears are without reason. I realized I was saying goodbye to my old life, and facing the fact that I'm a mother now. They weren't tears of sadness, but of growing pains. Growing up. Letting go. And toughening up, too. Ramon tells me again and again: "Be strong. Be strong. Be strong." It's my new mantra.

Thank you all for the wonderful notes you leave me here...I do read and appreciate each and every one! It's very hard to get to the computer these days, so my blog posts are far and few between. I know you understand.

Happy October....enjoy this most glorious season!

Little September Treasures

2011-09-28T12:01:00.001+02:00

I've mastered four-minute showers and can brush my teeth and get dressed at lightening speed. We're already considering occasionally introducing the bottle, so that Ramon has a chance at soothing our baby and I can have a little more freedom to do things like, you know, EAT.

His dependence on me, and our bond, astounds me. And how quickly he is growing....I look at photos from his first day and have tears in my eyes, because he already looks and acts so differently. On the other hand, I am very much looking forward to the time when a rhythm forms in our days. Because right now they are a complete mish-mash and have no order whatsoever. Every day is different. One day he'll have an orderly flow of nurse, burp, sleep for two hours, the next day he won't sleep for longer than periods of ten minutes before waking up and wanting to nurse again. We had a day like that yesterday, and I was literally glued to the couch the entire day.

As you may have guessed, he is sleeping now, allowing me to quickly pop in and say hello. But really, I should be sleeping along with him....

xoxoxo

Remembering Rafael's All Natural Labor and Birth

2011-09-25T20:45:00.002+02:00

I'm sorry for having been so absent; unfortunately it was for health reasons. I was doing so horribly (fever, sweating, aching limbs, and waves of pain in my lower abdomen) that I went to the hospital, where they diagnosed me with Endometritis, an inflammation of the uterus which can occur after a long labor and must be taken very seriously. If left untreated, it can lead to blood poisoning and infertility. I've been given antibiotics and am resting as much as possible; not easy with a hungry newborn! So it's been a difficult start, but Ramon is such a helpful, loving father and husband, and I'm already feeling much better.

I've written this in the spare moments I've had throughout these past few days. I want to not only share my experience of a natural birth with all who are interested, but record my memory of this extraordinary part of my life so I never forget it.

It was Wednesday morning, September 14th, at 10 o'clock, and the weather had changed from sunny and hot to overcast and cold. I had asked the midwife recently if it was true that a lot of babies were born on full moon, and she had that, in her experience, it was more likely for babies to come on days when there was a drastic change in the weather. But I wasn't thinking about that. Ramon had left for a business meeting in Vienna and I was in the kitchen, opening a little present of baby clothing from my mother-in-law. Suddenly there was a small gush of fluid between my legs. I remember pausing, confused, and then exclaiming "Oh!" The dogs looked at me. I stood there, frozen for a moment, taking in the realization that my water had broke. I was going to have my baby!

After cleaning up and putting on a pad (water was still running out once in a while) I called my midwife. She told me that it could still take a while for contractions to start, but that she was sending her colleague to check on me. I then called Ramon, who was riding the subway, and told him the news. I said he should go ahead with his meeting, there was still plenty of time (when the men at the meeting heard that my water had broke, they quickly sent him on his way home!). I called my mother-in-law and asked her to walk the dogs for me.

The midwife came and had a look at me. "You're only open to a 2. Eat something with a lot of cinnamon and cloves to get the contractions started. Rest and gather strength. It's going to be a long day and night."

When my mother-in-law returned, we stood in the kitchen, peeling and cutting apples for a compote. It was surreal, standing there, talking, cooking, when in the back of my mind I knew that these were the final hours before meeting my son. I ate a big serving of heavily spiced compote and my contractions began shortly afterwards, though mild at first; they felt like period cramps.

Ramon got home just as my contractions started getting stronger. My mother-in-law left us and we spent a couple of hours wandering around the apartment and the terrace, or resting in bed, timing my contractions and talking. I took a warm bath. When my contractions were 10 minutes apart, Ramon called our midwife. I was excited, thinking that we were getting close, and that we could head to the birth center soon. But Monika, our midwife, who came to check up on me, said that we should be patient. I was only between 3 and 4 centimeters open now, and we should call her again when my contractions were 2 minutes apart for 1 hour. It was discouraging, but what could I do? Monika left and we were on our own again.

The day progressed into night, and finally my contractions got stronger. Ramon ran a second bath for me. By now the contractions were very intense, and coming every two minutes. Ramon and I had been in labor alone together for about 9 hours now. My contractions suddenly got extremely intense while I was in the bath, coming over me seemingly constantly. I began panicking. I told Ramon to call the ambulance, we had to get to the birth center right away. I was sure the baby was close to coming, and was scared of having him at home.

I couldn't get out of the bath or get dressed on my own. I was shivering uncontrollably and began sobbing. Ramon called the ambulance and helped me out of the tub. He dressed me and got our birth bag and car seat ready. I was a total wreck, shaking and crying, when the paramedics came. They strapped me onto the gurney and wheeled me out to the ambulance. Ramon sat next to me in the back. The ride was the bumpiest I've ever taken, and the young paramedic kept asking Ramon if I was alright, and if he was sure we didn't want to go to the hospital. I was screaming and sobbing with each contraction, and each bump in the road was horrific. We finally arrived at the birth center, and when they wheeled me into the birthing room, the warmth and scent of aromatherapy oils was a bit of a comfort. My eyes had been closed this entire time, and I only opened them when Ramon had undressed me and Monika suggested I get into the birthing tub.

After some contractions in the tub, she asked me to lay down on the bed so she could check my dilation. She waited for the next contraction and probed with her fingers, which was really painful, but I was sure she would have good news. "You're at five centimeters, half way there."

I thought the world was going to end. "Half way there?!" I screamed. "I can't do this! I can't anymore!"

What followed were what felt like endless hours of pain, interspersed with me trying my hardest to just 'survive' the contractions, going into different positions, walking when I could, drinking water, having oils rubbed on my stomach, squatting, screaming, crying, getting into the tub again, leaning on Ramon in a sitting or standing position, sobbing that I couldn't do it anymore, and saying lots of "Please God! Please God! Help me!" One time Monika placed some homeopathic suppositories inside of me to help soften the cervix, and two other times she placed homeopathic globulis under my tongue for strength. I couldn't help wishing for real drugs, something I never thought I would hope for or consider.

At that point I was completely delirious with pain and exhaustion. Ramon, the midwife, and her assistant came and went, but I hardly noticed who was in the room or wasn't. I felt so alone in my pain. I was thinking, "This is torture. It won't stop. How will I ever do this? When will it ever end?" I really felt like my life was coming to an end. I know that sounds dramatic, but I truly felt at the very limit of my strength and life force.

I began feeling the urge to press when I had a contraction. I knew that sometimes the body told you to press before it was actually ready, but I didn't care. When I felt the urge, I pressed a little. Still, even with this sign of progression, I was so discouraged by how long this was all taking that I didn't really believe I could be nearing the end.

Monika invited me to sit on the birthing stool, which is shaped like a half donut. Ramon sat behind me on the foot of the bed, supporting my back and arms with his chest and legs. Monika and her assistant sat in front of me. The contractions came in constant waves, and with each one, I got about three presses in. The pressing was incredibly tiring, but I was determined, even though, again, I truly didn't believe there was an end in sight. I think I had even sort of forgotten that there was a baby on the way...it just felt like I was in pain for no good reason.

Pearls of sweat were pouring out of me all over as I pushed and pushed, feeling like my life depended on it. I dug my hands into Ramon's legs and pressed my feet into the ground. Now, with each press, there was a burning and stretching sensation, but I didn't 'feel' a head or object, so I didn't know how far along I was. At some point Monika said, "Each time you push, I can see a little bit of his head." This made me both angry (because I wanted her to say the head was already out) and determined ("A head! I'm having a baby! I forgot! That's why I'm doing this!").

I pushed a few more times, the stretching and burning getting more extreme, and then, suddenly, there was a slippery sensation, and Monika was holding up a little body to me! Rafael had been born, at 3:05 AM on September 15th, after 16 hours of labor. He was clean and rosy, with lots of black hair slicked onto his dome-shaped head. I took him in my arms, in total shock and awe. I'm not sure exactly, but I think my first words were, "My baby! My little boy!"

Monika invited us to get into bed. I stood up, holding Rafael, and I could feel the umbilical cord between my legs. We were still connected. Ramon got into bed with us, and we lay there for a few moments, just looking at this tiny red wriggling little being. When the cord stopped pulsating, Monika clamped it in two places and Ramon cut it.

Then the midwife told me I would have to push again to get the placenta out. "Are you kidding me?" I said. I had forgotten all about pain and pushing, and now I would have to get back into it. Ramon took Rafael onto his bare chest so I could concentrate. I pushed and pushed, but nothing happened. "Your bladder is too full, we'll have to empty it with a catheter." I said "No way! I'll try to empty it myself. I don't want a catheter put it!" So I pushed, but nothing was coming out. Monika pressed on my bladder and sort of forced it all out, which was a very strange sensation. Eventually, with one strong push from me, a passed what felt like a big wet pillow, and my placenta was out.

I had torn one centimeter, but refused to be sewn. I was sure it would heal on its own and didn't want anymore pain.

We lay with Rafael between us, admiring him, while Monika filled out papers. Eventually we dressed Raffi, got dressed ourselves, and called a taxi. We thanked our midwife and hopped into the cab, leaving the birth house about an hour after giving birth.

What a journey!

And it's just beginning...

That Face!

2011-09-19T11:21:00.000+02:00

I spend a lot of the time I should be sleeping just staring at his face.

Thank you for sharing in my joy!

xoxoxo

Welcome, Rafael!

2011-09-17T16:31:00.000+02:00

Our little boy is here!

Rafael is the sweetest little soul, I am so deeply in love.

My water broke at 10 am on September 14th. Labor took an amazingly painful and exhausting 16 hours, but of course, it was all worth it.

Thank you all for your love, friendship, and support throughout these past 9 months!

I'll post more pictures when time allows!

Days of the Harvest Moon

2011-09-13T11:12:00.000+02:00

"Autumn is the eternal corrective. It is ripeness and color and a time of maturity; but it is also breadth, and depth, and distance. What man can stand with autumn on a hilltop and fail to see the span of his world and the meaning of the rolling hills that reach to the far horizon?"
-Hal Borland

These are the days of the Harvest Moon. That name feels so fitting to my current situation...the seed has been planted, has grown to ripeness, nourished and cared for tenderly, and soon, our most precious creation will be welcomed; our son!

The days have been sunny, but rumor has it that tomorrow the weather will turn, and we'll have rain and a chill in the air. On warm days it's hard to imagine there ever being a first frost, or first snow for that matter. And then I remember how impossible green and blossoms seem in the dead of winter. Best to live in the moment, I think.

When we first got Kiki, I was continually overcome with joy and wonder, watching her explore our natural surroundings throughout the seasons, knowing it was all so new for her. We have footage of walking with her in the woods through her first snow. She seemed baffled, excited, confused, curious...it was such a wonderful experience to witness her in that situation. And it makes me giddy, thinking about introducing Rafael to the seasons, to the changes and the rhythms of this beautiful little corner of the world.

39 Weeks

2011-09-12T14:56:00.001+02:00

Still pregnant!

Here's this week's update....perhaps the last?

How far along? 39 weeks, 1 day.

Total weight gain: A little over 21 pounds.

How big is baby? About 7 pounds.

Sleep: The best sleep I get is during the day when I take a nap. At night I am either full of thoughts and excitement, waking up to use the bathroom, dreaming strange dreams, or I can't get comfortable.

Best moment of the week: The best thing to happen this week was the wonderful birth course that Ramon and I attended. It definitely exceeded anything we may have expected. Such a wonderful bonding experience with one another, focusing on this final part of the journey so intensely; It was the perfect 'ending' to the pregnancy experience, and we both feel prepared (and excited) about the birth.

Movement: He's still kicking and wiggling around like a champ.

Food cravings: Anything with butter and salt: popcorn, toast, young potatoes...

Belly Button: Flat.

Stretch marks: Inner thighs, breasts, and tiny ones on my hips.

Labor Signs: Have been experiencing bouts of false labor at night, mainly in my lower back; a kind of pulsating pain. Also have a lot of braxton hicks contractions.

What I miss: Honestly I'm not thinking about what I miss or about the past....much too concentrated on the future!

What I'm looking forward to: Sharing the incredible experience of labor and birth with my husband, and meeting our son.

Milestone: We're one week away from Rafael's due date. Will he come early? Late? Right on his due date? No way of telling! Though, since today is the full Harvest Moon, I am especially curious if I will go into labor today...

The Pursuit Of Happiness Includes Brownies

2011-09-07T14:57:00.001+02:00

"Remember to make time for the pursuit of happiness, one of your most important human rights!"
-Susan Branch

It's an overcast day, perfect for baking brownies and watching leaves fly past the kitchen window.

I no longer have that overwhelming feeling of impatience about Rafael's arrival. The closer I get to his due date, the more I feel rested and assured that yes, he will come, and no, I won't be pregnant forever. So I'm pursuing happiness today, like Susan Branch suggested, and that involves licking brownie batter from a wooden spoon.

I discovered this recipe over at the beautiful blog Honey & Jam; it promised gooey, chewy, rich brownies that were easy to make and didn't require bar chocolate. The result is delicious and everything Hannah promised.

Gooey Cocoa Brownies

courtesy of hannah from honey and jam

Makes 16 larger or 25 smaller brownies

10 tablespoons unsalted butter 

1 1/4 cups sugar 

3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder (natural or Dutch-process)

 1/4 teaspoon salt 

1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract 

2 large eggs, cold 

1/2 cup all-purpose flour

 2/3 cup walnut or pecan pieces (optional)

Position a rack in the lower third of the oven and preheat the oven to 325°F.

Line the bottom and sides of an 8×8-inch square baking pan with parchment paper or foil, leaving an overhang on two opposite sides. Combine the butter, sugar, cocoa, and salt in a medium heatproof bowl and microwave for 1:30 minutes (since I don't own a microwave, Hannah suggested I melt the mixture in a bowl over boiling water).

Remove and stir until the butter is melted and the mixture is smooth. Set aside briefly until the mixture is only warm, not hot. It looks fairly gritty at this point, but don’t fret — it smoothes out once the eggs and flour are added. Stir in the vanilla with a wooden spoon. Add the eggs one at a time, stirring vigorously after each one. When the batter looks thick, shiny, and well blended, add the flour and stir until you cannot see it any longer, then beat vigorously for 40 strokes with the wooden spoon or a rubber spatula. Stir in the nuts, if using.

Spread evenly in the lined pan. Bake until a toothpick plunged into the center emerges slightly moist with batter, 25 to 30 minutes. Let cool completely on a rack. Lift up the ends of the parchment or foil liner, and transfer the brownies to a cutting board.

Cut into 16 or 25 squares.

I've been pretty good about eating healthily and staying active throughout pregnancy; up until now I resisted the many times I've longed to bake batches of cookies or tins of pies. But now, nearing the end, I can feel this need to pamper myself, to take it easy, and to thoroughly enjoy these last days of pregnancy.

I am including the picture below, taken this morning while waiting for the brownies to cool, to remind myself later of the incredible size my belly expanded to...and the incredible things my body is capable of. I know some day I'll look at this photo in disbelief!

No wonder my back hurts....

Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

2011-09-06T17:18:00.001+02:00

I've been taking my morning walks with the dogs here around town just to be safe, and now that I have my new light little Canon, I can easily throw it into my shoulder bag and take snapshots while meandering through our neighborhood.

Mansions, apartments, cottages....all kinds of buildings, old and new. Branches and dirt roads with golden leaves. A lovely sunny day in September.

Today I had another session of acupuncture and I could feel it working. Rafael squirmed around quite a bit while I had the needles in, and pushed his head so deep into my pelvis that it hurt. When I came home I took a bubble bath and a nap, and I'm feeling fine now, though very tired.

Every day and every night, I wonder if this will be time that labor begins.

Ramon has been so busy with work, and I feel that he needs to settle down a little, get grounded, and prepare mentally and emotionally for the arrival of our little one. The birthing course on Friday and Saturday will no doubt put the focus on our baby and the journey which lies ahead.

Rainy Monday

2011-09-05T20:15:00.001+02:00

The first fall foliage is glowing in pretty colors outside our kitchen window. It was a sunny morning, and then, suddenly, black clouds raced accross the sky and brought thunder, lightening, and heavy rain. I thought it would be the perfect afternoon to bake cookies, but, wouldn't you know it, I ended up napping instead.

38 Weeks

2011-09-04T10:46:00.004+02:00

Yesterday in the late afternoon my mother in law joined me for a walk in the woods....you all know the new rule: no more walks in the forest alone for me this late in pregnancy.

As we walked, some parts of it uphill, I was so pleased to find that I wasn't much more winded than I would have been if I wasn't in my 9th month. I really have the dogs to thank for this. They have forced me to keep fit throughout this pregnancy! And I'm guessing they will also help me lose the pregnancy weight once Rafael is here.

I have become very aware that these are my last days carrying my son in my belly. I am also very aware that these are the final days of it just being myself, my husband, and the dogs. For at least the next 18 years, we will have another person sharing this life with us, living with us, being a part of this home and family. The thought is both exciting and overwhelming.

Here's this week's update:

How far along? 38 weeks.

Total weight gain: 21 pounds.

How big is baby? A little under 7 pounds.

Sleep: I slept SO WELL these past two nights! When I told Ramon about it, he reminded me that our midwife had said that, before birth, I will have a phase where I sleep wonderfully and deeply. She was definitely right. It has made such a difference in my days to have had a good night's sleep. I know there is probably a lot of sleep deprivation ahead, so I am enjoying every night that I sleep well.

Best moment of the week: That will be tonight, when my husband comes home from his final business trip of the year. It will be such a relief once he is back. We were nervous about him traveling this close to Rafael's due date. But it looks like we made it!

Movement: I had a scare the day before yesterday, when Raffi didn't move almost all day. At around 4 in the afternoon I finally decided to call my midwife, because he just wasn't moving. Right before dialing, he kicked me, and then spent the next two hours kicking and punching up a storm. I was so relieved. He has been moving pretty regularly since then. I'm guessing it was a growth spurt or a really long sleep that had him so still on that one day.

Food cravings: I've been craving breaded chicken breasts. Hot or cold. I just love fried chicken right now! Also loving strawberry buttermilk.

Belly button in or out? Very flat.

Stretch Marks? Discovered some stretch marks in a place I never expected: inner thighs! How strange.

What I miss: My normal hands, feet, and FACE; all three are very puffy right now. Hopefully they will be back to normal after birth.

What I'm looking forward to: Having my husband home so I can feel relaxed about giving birth. And of course, I am looking forward to birth itself!

Milestone: Rafael is officially full term and can arrive whenever he likes!

xoxoxo

A Sunny Day In Town and Pumpkin Invasion

2011-09-03T13:18:00.000+02:00

This sunny morning I took my camera along with me when I went to breakfast with my mother in law. I always like seeing the places other bloggers live; it helps me get a stronger idea about their lives and surroundings. So I hope you enjoy these. There is, of course, so much more to see, and I hope to continue giving you little peeks into this beautiful quiet Austrian village that I call home.

Above you see the center of this community: the local church. The bell rings out clear and loud every fifteen minutes.

This is the lovely little cafe where we ate breakfast. We sat outside under the shade of the giant chestnut tree. In winter it's the perfect place for mothers and children, as smoking is not allowed, which is not true of every cafe and restaurant in Austria, including the other cafe in town.

Here's the local apothecary, or pharmacy. It's called 'Apotheke zum Schutzengel,' which roughly translates to 'The Guardian Angel's Pharmacy.'

On the left you see the 'friseur,' the hair salon where I get my hair cut and colored. On the right is a small stationary store where the parents and children are now stocking up on supplies for the new school year.

This blue building is where my friend Daniela has her arts and crafts shop, 'Kreatives Allerlei.' She has everything you need to get creative and I love getting lost in her ribbon selection. Her daughter is due on September 15th! We're quite a sight when we waddle around town side by side with our big bellies.

This is the tiny store where I buy all my wonderful hand painted Bunzlauer ceramics. It's owned and run by my good friend Ose. When I stop in for a visit, she pulls out a chair and we sit and chat for a while. I usually can't help myself and end up buying something. Sometimes she tries to talk me out of a purchase, because she says I already have enough.

On her desk you can see the pile of yarn that she is knitting into something pretty; when she isn't knitting, she's either playing sudoku or reading a book. I hope her store stays open for a long time.

A classic old Austrian door. Doors like these usually lead into a 'hof,' a central courtyard which is surrounded by the home. Wouldn't you just love a big red door like this?

Well, now that it's September, I am allowed to start bringing pumpkins home (this is my husband's rule so that there is some sort of control over my pumpkin madness; I'm also not allowed to play Christmas music until December). By November pumpkins have invaded every corner of the house. I was so happy when I saw these two beauties at the farmer's market this week. Their orange glow is the first little hint of autumn in our home.

See the chicken salt and pepper shakers? Yep, those are from Ose's Bunzlauer store.

xoxoxo

Favorite Things in September

2011-09-02T08:58:00.002+02:00

chewy molasses chocolate chip cookies; my absolute favorite cookies :: joy the baker

an enchanting look into life on a farm in vermont through my new favorite blog :: La Porte Rouge

this illustration :: penelope dullaghan

hand knit lambswool baby blanket; i want to snuggle up with rafael under this :: rocket and bear

watching the leaves change in our neighborhood

hearty dishes like dumplings with mushroom sauce :: design*sponge

handmade pumpkin cheesecake lip balm; smells lovely and keeps my lips soft :: long winter farm

this outfit; wonder how my post-pregnancy body will be!

determined to start a vintage brown transferware collection; it makes freshly baked gingerbread even more delicious :: a country farmhouse

long walks in the woods looking for mushrooms and acorns with my family

smokey topaz earrings made with vintage german glass; i just love these :: le petit ruban

decorating the home for the season :: herz-allerliebst

the new experience of motherhood; my most favorite september thing of all :: sarah field photography

Yesterday I was told by two different people that I shouldn't be taking my morning walks in the woods alone anymore. They convinced me with the scenario of my water breaking and being trapped waiting to be rescued, since you aren't supposed to walk once your water breaks; the danger of the cord wrapping around the baby's neck when he slips down is too big.

So from now on, I'll be taking walks around town with the dogs. Maybe it's a good thing....maybe I'll be forced to take more creative pictures and share more of village life with you all.

I loved reading all your guesses on the arrival date of our little boy. I wrote them all down and am so curious to see if any of you are right! (Was very happy that you all guessed him coming earlier rather than later.)

Hope you enjoyed my September favorites!

It's such an exciting time....

September!

2011-09-01T10:41:00.004+02:00

I found this photograph while rooting through old pictures from a time before I blogged; a red tractor tucked into September foliage on a local path. I just had to share it with you.

September is my favorite month for so many reasons, the main one being that there is so much goodness and celebration to look forward to. The blush and gold of leaves, crisp days and cozy nights, woodpiles and the stinging sweet scent of woodsmoke, pumpkin harvest, pies. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and creative, crafty preparations for all three. Sweaters and rain boots. Crow calls in the misty mornings and geese flying overhead in honking V's. Cinnamon and brown sugar Applesauce bubbling on the stove and hot tea when you come in from the cold.

And this year....a BABY BOY.

Who wants to make a guess which date he will arrive?

Happy September everyone. I always LOVE sharing this time of year with you all!

Phenology

2011-08-30T12:09:00.000+02:00

Brown, yellow, green...the colors of late summer.

Today I learned a new word: Phenology (not to be confused with phrenology). It resonated so deeply with me, and I felt like I had finally found the description for who I am at my core: a phenologist!

It's another absolutely beautiful day, just the right temperature. The pictures above from our morning walk show just how gorgeous and serene this little part of the world is right now, as summer turns slowly into fall. Frilly fungi, fallen leaves, cushiony moss, and glistening puddles.

I'm getting a new camera; a small simple Canon for my daily walks, because this (wonderful) Olympus is pretty heavy and bulky, and I want something light that I can throw in my shoulder bag. I will still use my Olympus for photographs of home and food, but I need something practical for when I'm out and about with two dogs and a baby. I hope it will turn out some great pictures.

End Of August

2011-08-29T13:17:00.000+02:00

The air was cool last night, and the morning fresh. I think we have had our last of scorching August days. Now the weather will be milder, and the leaves will slowly begin to turn. Haying time is here, and there are seedy cloudberries ripening on the vine. I threw a flannel shirt on over my tank top for the evening walk yesterday, and listened to the crickets in the brush. This is the time of year where I am most alert: on the lookout for signs of fall's arrival.

Over the weekend I had bouts of false labor and my hormones got the best of me for the first time this pregnancy. I burst into tears suddenly, and when Ramon asked why, I said I was so sad because it was Sunday and he would have to go back to work the next day. I cried again about nothing in particular a few times after that, feeling overwhelmed and impatient and lost. Woke up in the night from cramps and aches in my lower back, hoping maybe this was the beginning of labor, and then fell back asleep, exhausted, and woke up, realizing it was another false alarm. These final weeks of pregnancy are an emotional and physical roller coaster ride.

Morning at the Creek

2011-08-27T13:07:00.001+02:00

There's a pathway that we call the 'Lord of the Rings Way' right across the street from our home; a relatively hidden way cuts up behind the local gas station, leading straight into the cool shade of the woods. One branch of the trail goes to the left, and after a ten minute walk up hill you have a lookout over the town square and church tower. If you take a right, you have countless miles of woods ahead of you. Since I got pregnant, I always take a left, because the way to the right has a steep ravine on one side, and there are also many blind bends where you can't see if there's another dog around the corner.

But on weekends, when Ramon is home, we love taking the Lord of the Rings way, nicknamed after the movie because of how beautiful and fairytale-like it is. It's the perfect place to take the dogs, because there is a creek, glistening and cold, which winds along one side. The trail is beautiful in every season; here are photos of it in fall, winter, and spring.

This morning was very hot with no wind. The cool running water, with leaves and sticks floating on it's calm surface, was a lovely relief. We sat on a fallen tree trunk while the dogs picked around in the water; Boston dug in the mud for stones and Kiki snatched fallen leaves.

It's such a blessing to have all of this right outside our door.

Tiny Treasures, August

2011-08-26T13:44:00.000+02:00

Every little bit of the natural world is so amazing when you look at it up close, and contemplate it. The tiny acorn that holds the potential for a mighty oak, and nourishes a creature to help it survive the long winter. A snail shell, a feather...so intricate! A heart-shaped hole in a yellow leaf. Beech nut hulls that look like fairy caps.

My awe of nature never ceases....it just grows and grows with each passing season and year.

When You're Happy

2011-08-25T13:06:00.000+02:00

yellow leaves are scattered on the wooded path

who did this feather belong to?

these wild berries are a mystery to me; i hope to find out what they are, and revisit them in winter.

"People don't notice whether it's winter or summer when they're happy." -Anton Chekhov

My two dogs are the best companions for nature walks. So enthusiastic, so curious, and bursting with seemingly endless energy. I am so grateful that they are here to get me outdoors and moving every day!

I know I'm the odd man out in this matter, but summer has to be my least favorite season. If I didn't have dogs, I would probably just hide in the shade all day. I can't seem to make friends with heat. Today in the woods, the plants on the forest floor and even the leaves on the trees seemed weary in the heat. Autumn will be a great relief for man, beast, plant, and pregnant women.

I take after my father. When I was little we lived on the coast of northern California, and I remember my dad saying once that he didn't like the beach. I asked him why and he replied, "Too much sand." As funny as it sounds, I could relate. I also preferred wandering the tide pools when the ocean had sunk back into the distance at low tide, and walking along the shore collecting shells and sand dollars, to lying under the hot sun with my feet in the sand.

Ironically I married a man who absolutely worships the sun, and turns nearly black in summer. I turn what we jokingly call "dark white."

Good Cheer

2011-08-24T19:07:00.000+02:00

"The man who radiates good cheer, who makes life happier wherever he meets it, is always a man of vision and of faith. He sees the blossoming flower in the tiny seed, the silver lining to every cloud, and a beautiful tomorrow in the darkest today.

Good cheer is something more than faith in the future, it is gratitude for the past and joy in the present. Life for all of us has its hardships and disappointments. It is out of such stuff as this that human character is made. But after all this world is a pretty good place and we at least owe each other the courtesy of a smiling face and the inspiration of a cheery word.

To go about our work with pleasure, to greet others with a word of encouragement, to be happy in the present and confident in the future, this is to have achieved some measure of success in living."

-Edwin Osgood Grover, The Book Of Good Cheer, 1913

I have been hot and grumpy lately, dragging my swollen feet around, feeling every task to be a huge burden. The hair salon colored my hair too dark and I felt like crying when I looked in the mirror. I still get mad when I look in the mirror. Heat radiates from the road and sky and sweat drips down my forehead and back all day long.. Every person who stops me to make small talk about my pregnant belly is secretly despised. I just want to lay under a fan and be left alone.

And then today I had an appointment at the hospital for the final check up before my due date. And there was my baby on the screen, healthy, everything perfect, his head in birthing position, his heart beating strong.

How can I stay grumpy after that?

I came home and napped under the ceiling fan, then woke up refreshed and vacuumed, emptied the dish washer, cooked rice and meat for the dogs, scrubbed and boiled potatoes for dinner, and sat down to write this post. And ate lemon and raspberry ice cream with fresh red currents.

Thank you, my healthy little boy, for putting everything into perspective for your Mommy.

Nursery Details

2011-08-23T08:19:00.001+02:00

A while back I shared some photos of Rafael's unfinished nursery, which you can view HERE. Yesterday the sun was shining so brightly in his room and I thought I'd take pictures of some of the little details and vignettes. Most of the things pictured are handmade and vintage items I found on etsy. Instead of sticking to an overall theme (like 'jungle,' 'superheros,' or 'cowboys') I wanted Raffi's nursery to have a sort of classic charm. I was very much inspired by my image of what Christopher Robin's room must have looked like.

rag doll handmade by quill and ink :: small vintage boat from bedouin :: large vintage boat from nostalgieEurope

baby shoes from gap.eu

alphabet and numbers pillow from looploft

vintage school book pages from beadandbag

vintage metal airplanes from uaoomermaid :: elephant custom made by thiefjamie

vintage red truck from vintagejane :: vintage white tonka van from oldyetnew :: vintage (working!) clock from clockworkuniverse

vintage london bus from butterflymindvintage :: boy blowing bubbles collage from catwalk

antique kitchen bench with opening seat for toy storage

I love the thought that it will evolve with his age. It was a lot of fun picking out little things for this boy's room, and I look forward to adding to the collection of vintage cars and boats, and handmade dolls and pillows.

36 Weeks

2011-08-22T09:16:00.006+02:00

My belly actually looks quite small in this photograph. Much smaller than it feels or looks in reality! It has continued stretching out to an unbelievable size. I'm amazed at my skin's ability to stretch this much, especially without any stretch marks! (Which I really hope continues to be true.)

This picture does show, however, how swollen my fingers are lately. They look like stumpy little breakfast sausages, and are, at times, painful. Sometimes I wonder if pregnancy is preparing women for the aches and pains of old age. I walk around complaining like an old woman much of the time, about my hands, feet, and back! Needless to say I can't wear my wedding and engagement rings anymore.

Finding clothing that fits is progressively more difficult. Tops that I could never have imagined growing out of are too short now and don't fully cover my belly. I've graduated to shirts and dresses that looks more like tents. When my mother-in-law gave me that pink top a few months back, I scoffed and thought, "No way will I ever need to wear this humongous thing." And here I was in the eighth month, digging furiously through my drawer, trying to find something that was airy and comfortable and which covered my entire stomach, and look what I found...the pink top! I was so relieved when I realized that it fit, I actually had a little lump in my throat.

I've been reading and thoroughly enjoying the book Ina May's Guide To Childbirth, by Ina May Gaskin. The numerous birth stories within it are so inspiring, and have me very excited and curious about Rafael's journey into this world.

I began weekly acupuncture sessions last week. I had already attended one group session a few months ago to help with my swollen feet, and on that day I was one of six pregnant women there. So naturally I was surprised to be the only one at last week's session! The midwife who holds these sessions said that there were no other pregnant women at the moment. It was very nice to just be with her, we talked the entire time. The acupuncture itself is a very intense sensation. The needles in the top of the head and the pinky toes aren't bad at all, but the ones in my hands and below my knees are very uncomfortable. Unfortunately, the midwife said it will just get more and more intense with each session!

Here's this week's update:

How far along? 36 weeks, 1 day.

Total weight gain: 21 pounds; lost one pound last week.

How big is baby? According to babycenter.com, almost 6 pounds.

Sleep: I sleep relatively soundly, though I have very strange and sometimes disturbing dreams.

Best moment this week: Laying out on the sunny terrace with my husband and the dogs, a soft breeze blowing, the creek trickling by below, Rafael sliding his foot across my tummy. Such a lovely moment.

Movement: He's pretty still all morning, then starts moving a lot around midday.

Food cravings: Not much of an appetite in this heat, and I have to eat very small portions or else I feel sick. Fresh (raw) fruit and vegetables also make me feel sick, which is very hard for me to accept. I mostly eat müsli with nuts, fruit and milk; buttered toast; or croissant with turkey ham and gouda. Another small meal I enjoy is a banana, peanut butter, and a cup of raw milk. What I really crave a lot lately is Cranberry juice. I drink it diluted with water and lots of ice cubes.

Belly button in or out? Flat.

What I miss: Wearing my wedding and engagement rings and, as I've mentioned many times before, being able to move and walk unencumbered.

What I'm looking forward to: We have a check-up at the hospital on Wednesday that I am looking forward to....always great to be reassured that everything is fine.

Milestone: When this week ends, Rafael will be considered 'full term!' Wow....this amazing journey called pregnancy is almost complete!

There's A Change In The Air...

2011-08-21T10:26:00.000+02:00

...in the woods...

...and in the village.

These next few days are supposed to be hot...but the evenings are cool, and there there are yellow leaves in the canopy of branches overhead and lying on pillows of moss on the ground. The first timid mushrooms rise from the ground and festoon old rotting trees stumps. Grapes ripen in smoky clusters on the vine. Neighbors are stacking wood in neat rows and the black-eyed-susans are rampant in every garden. These are certainly the final days of summer.

Sweet Dreams for Raffi

2011-08-19T13:12:00.001+02:00

Rafael's crib is built and ready. At night, when I crawl into bed, I run my hand over his mattress and imagine him lying there, bundled up, sleeping peacefully.

For now I am cradling him inside of me while he continues to grow.

Life is Many Days Filled with Small Things

2011-08-17T08:52:00.002+02:00

"Life is not, after all, made up of grand moments, grand gestures, glorious achievements. Life is made up of many days filled with small things. Shopping, going to the post office, using the telephone, keeping house-these make up the chief sum of our days. And to me, it seems infinitely greater to make all the people one sees feel a little happier for it than to paint a masterpiece or be in bright lights on Broadway. After we are all gone down the river of time, the simple kindness of those who fulfill their daily tasks graciously will overbalance any special feat."

-Gladys Taber, The Book of Stillmeadow

Weekend

2011-08-16T10:45:00.000+02:00

August is such a golden month. Brassy flowers everywhere. My favorites are Black-Eyed-Susans. They are so country, so simple, and so cheerful.

Yesterday was a holiday here in Austria, and my sister-in-law celebrated her birthday. I am something like the 'designated cake baker' of the family. I made a chocolate layer cake with fluffy vanilla filling and chocolate cream cheese frosting. I call it 'Marshmallow Fudge Cake.' Despite the name, it is not too sweet or heavy. Definitely a cake you can have more than one slice of.

The party was full of parents, babies, toddlers, and children. Ramon and I sat back and watched everything, wide-eyed, picturing our future. I talked with mothers about the local kindergartens, diapers, breastfeeding. It's a relief how different mothers have different tastes, rules, preferences, and advice, because I know I want to do things my way, and I like knowing that that's OK.

Last night I was plagued with a series of intense and disturbing nightmares, the kind that exhaust you the next morning and have you thinking of them all day. The walk in the forest with the dogs helped to clear my mind a little. Sometimes dreams stay with you, like a fog you can't seem to brush away.

Now I'm going to take a bath (maybe that will help forget my nightmares), and then I'm off to my first session of acupuncture, which takes place in an old castle here in the town square which has been divided into offices and apartments. It's a group session, which means I'll be there with a bunch of other pregnant women looking to speed up their impending births. I am really looking forward to sitting in a room with women who are in the same position as me. I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about, while having needles pushed into our limbs!

35 Weeks

2011-08-14T16:39:00.000+02:00

Today I woke up having contractions and lower back pain that came and went in waves. It kept waking me up, I would worry for a moment, and then I would fall back asleep. This repeated itself for a while. Once up and about, I had to laugh at myself. When I have situations with contractions like that, I think: "Oh, maybe he's coming today!" When I have a day where I feel normal, I think of the women who said they were having a completely normal day when their water suddenly broke. Then I think: "Oh, maybe he's coming today!"

I know, I am getting so incredibly impatient.

Though in my heart, I do hope he will wait until September.

Here's this week's update:

How far along? 35 weeks, 1 day.

Total weight gain: 22 pounds. Half of which is in my face.

How big is baby? 5 1/4 pounds.

Sleep: A stuffy nose makes it hard to fall asleep. Otherwise, I've been sleeping relatively well.

Best moment this week: Yesterday morning Rafael wasn't moving. I started getting really worried, since usually he kicks and punches a lot. I can't tell you the smile I had on my face when he started moving around again! Such a relief.

Movement: He has longer phases of not moving now because of limited space.

Food cravings: I'm loving müsli with fruit, milk, and nuts; rolls with herb cream cheese and cucumbers; and chocolate milk.

Belly button in or out? Flat.

What I miss: Yesterday in the forest I could smell mushrooms and wished I was agile enough to go trudging through the steep parts of the woods like I used to be. I miss being able to be more adventurous on walks, exploring the more hidden areas of the forest.

What I'm looking forward to: September.

Milestone: 35 weeks is a wonderful point in pregnancy, because if born at this point, babies would have a 99% chance of survival, and most likely wouldn't need to be put on oxygen. Also, this week I'll begin going to weekly acupuncture in preparation for labor...both my husband's cousin and sister did this, and had births that lasted between 2 and 6 hours. I would feel so lucky if Rafael's birth is that quick!

P.S. While trying to take a decent photo of myself, Boston jumped up on the bench and cuddled up to me. He is such a sweet, affectionate little being, and I feel so blessed to have him and Kiki as my companions.

Life in the Third Trimester and Autumn Love

2011-08-13T12:27:00.000+02:00

Life is slow and easy for me right now, as I enjoy these final weeks of pregnancy. Well...OK...let's be honest...I don't enjoy every bit of it. It's astounding the clumsy and exhausting gymnastics I have to do to wash dishes (I have to literally lean with outstretched arms because my belly is in the way), put on socks, shave my legs, or cut my toenails. Actually, I've given up on cutting my own toenails. Ramon had a go at them, which gave us a good laugh, but didn't do much for my toenails, which are now shorter but also very crooked. My back aches, my feet are sore, I snore, and take about 2 minutes to get up from a sitting position. (Am I pregnant or 90 year old?)

But yes, I am enjoying parts of being 8 months pregnant. It has forced me to take everything very slowly, and to prioritize things (anything that has me bending down to pick something up off the floor is no longer a priority). I have fully succumbed to daily naps and encourage the same from the dogs, who seem to be alright with this new laziness. I make a big pot of Third Trimester Tea every morning and drink cups of it throughout the day. On walks with the dogs, I move at a snail's pace without meaning to. But I don't beat myself up about it. It's just the way it is right now.

While waiting in line for the butcher at the farmer's market yesterday, my sister-in-law told me that, after Rafael is born, I will feel so incredibly light. Just the thought of that made me sigh. Light! I can hardly imagine! Right now my footsteps sound like a huge ogre's, and my walk can really only be described as a waddle.

But again, all of these 'uncomfortable' things are teaching me a lot. Acceptance, for example, and sacrifice. If this is what I have to go through to be united with my son, I'll take it all, and gladly!

It's funny how August always has me thinking of September. While most people are hanging onto Summer and soaking up every bit of it they can, my mind is already drifting towards sweaters, fall foliage, pumpkins, and cocoa. It's not something I am proud of, because I think it's always best to live in the moment and revel in what the current season has to offer. But what can I do? I am utterly smitten with all things Autumn.

With all of this free time I have, being pregnant and all, I spend quite a bit of time on the internet, and as some of you already know, one of my favorite places on the internet is etsy. I've had some fun putting together cozy, autumn-themed treasuries these past few days. Here are some of my favorites. Click on the treasury title to go to it and be able to browse the handmade and vintage items.

'My Heart Belongs To Autumn'

I'm alone this weekend...Ramon is on a business trip until Sunday evening. I'll be making soups and chicken paprikash for the freezer, maybe some muffins and cookies too.

But all very, very slowly. :)

Late Summer

2011-08-11T12:33:00.001+02:00

At this point of summer, we begin spotting the first clues of autumn's approach. A scattering of yellow leaves on the forest path...sunflowers and rudbeckia at the farmer's market...wild apples and elderberries ripening. Goldenrod glowing bright against fences. The first cluster of golden mushrooms on a mossy stump. The first fallen emerald acorns. It's so exciting!

On this morning's walk, Boston drank from tiny leaf-choked puddles and Kiki chased butterflies. The sun shone and the birds sang. The creek trickled lazily. I was so happy that I had brought my camera along for this little late summer adventure.

Back home here now, on the table, is a bouquet of goldenrod, sunflowers, rudbeckia, and chinese lanterns. So humble, yet so glorious! Better than any fancy garland of orchids or roses, if you ask me.

I'm wondering if there will be pumpkins at the farmer's market tomorrow....

Creative Thievery

2011-08-06T15:43:00.001+02:00

After seeing a lot of cake bunting popping up all over the web lately, I put 'cake bunting' into the search engine on etsy, and found myself getting really upset about the amount of shops which have copied my idea and are making a profit with it.

One of the funny things about it all is that the term 'cake bunting' never even existed before I came up with it, and now it's an actual THING. I find that pretty amusing. It's even a Martha Stewart item now.

What I don't find amusing is that there are so many people who would simply snatch up my idea and copy it to make money. There is something about it that really hurts.

I remember the first shop that began selling copies of my cake bunting a while back. I wrote to this shop owner, saying that I hoped she would stick to the original items in her shop and leave cake bunting to me. I said I was sure she could come up with creative ideas on her own, and didn't have to steal mine. She never wrote back and has cake buntings as one of her main items now. This just baffles me.

Now there are too many shops offering cake bunting to count, and I've accepted the fact that the concept of cake bunting just doesn't belong to me anymore. It's become something much bigger and there is no way I can really stop anyone from making a profit with it.

My shop has been closed for a while now and I do miss it. Shipping actually DOUBLED right when I put my shop on vacation, which means I would no longer be able to offer free international shipping like I used to unless I come up with some creative solution on how to package it. I've wondered if I will re-open my shop once we're settled in with the baby. And then another part of me thinks, If there are so many copies flooding etsy, what's the point in opening my shop again?

On the phone with my mom yesterday, she said, "You'll come up with some other great idea and open a shop with that. Creative people always have new ideas."

Still, the thought of leaving cake bunting behind for other people to claim and make money with makes me a bit sad. I was so excited about it in the beginning, and was so pleased when other people were excited about it, too. What a feeling it was, to open up shop with a few designs, and have people and blogs celebrate it and recognize what a fun and pretty new thing it was.

Looking back on my very first cake bunting and thinking of how the idea has spread....it's really amazing and I am genuinely happy that the idea has become so loved and popular.

If only there wasn't so much creative thievery out there.

Has this or something like it ever happened to you? How did you handle it?

Round Here Lately

2011-08-06T10:29:00.000+02:00

Boston is recovering well. He is absolutely miserable with the plastic cone on, so I take it off when I am here to keep an eye on him, and put it back on when I leave the house and before going to sleep.
We enjoyed a couple of sunny days, but this morning it's overcast again, so it looks like it will be a cozy weekend. Ramon got us 'Romancing the Stone' and 'The Jewel of the Nile' to watch; perfect cozy weekend entertainment!
I've finally finished shopping for the baby, we have everything we need now, and the hospital bag is also packed and ready. Tomorrow we hit the 34 week mark.