Pages

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Another Goodbye










This goodbye has been so much easier than our first.....it went so fast and I never saw it's heart beating. Still, it is a cruel thing...being taken on an emotional rollercoaster ride of joy and then loss. 

I found out I was pregnant on Thursday. "What are you doing next July 20th?" I asked my husband over the phone. "July 20th? I don't know, why?" "That's the due date of our next baby!" 

And then I lost it on Saturday.

So it was two days of excitement and worry. 

We both felt that mix of happiness and anxiety that only parents who have lost a baby before truly know.  

Maybe having a healthy child here, living, breathing, laughing, causing mayhem and making me laugh and pull my hair out at the same time, makes something like this easier. Having this blessing and being reminded that this is enough. If I never am blessed with a child again, it is enough. I am already so lucky.

So we say 'goodbye' to the tiny little poppyseed-sized bundle of cells and love and possibility, and focus on our blessings. 

Thank you....for always sharing in my journey. 

xoxoxo

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

What these pictures don't tell you...








What these pictures don't tell you is that the past couple of weeks have been a struggle. My husband was nearing a burn-out, I cry almost every morning out of frustration because getting Rafael and the dogs and myself ready to leave the house feels like an almost impossible feat, and I feel disconnected to my friends and family.

What these pictures don't tell you is that what I really truly desire is to connect deeply and truly with people; to understand and feel understood; to support and feel supported.

What these pictures don't tell you is that I have selfish material desires, like a big lovely home surrounded by land and trees. I try to be content with what I have, it's more than I dared to wish for in the past. But fantasies creep up into my mind, no matter how hard I try to focus on my blessings.

What these pictures don't tell you is that I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing for my son, for my dogs, for my husband, for my friends, for my family, for my self. 

What these pictures don't tell you is that I get pangs of jealousy when I look at pictures on Instagram. And then I feel guilty for feeling jealous. 

What these pictures don't tell you is that I have gained back 7 of the 25 pounds I lost. 

What these pictures don't tell you is that I worry. I worry so much and so often!

What these pictures don't tell you is that my most meaningful relationship is with my son. It scares and overwhelms me how significant and important he is to me. It frightens me how much I love him. It baffles me that this person, who is so tiring, demanding, and exhausting, can be the light of my life and the one thing in my life I know to be true and good.

xoxoxo




Monday, November 4, 2013

This Boy, Right Now













I am overwhelmed, beginning this post, with the goal of recording what my two year old son Rafael is like right now. The funny, amazing things he says...the things he likes...our relationship. I haven't written a growth update in longer than I would like to admit, I guess because you don't realize the leaps and bounds your child makes in the every day, but rather, looking back at how he used to be compared to today. 

A friend said to me, "I hope you've been writing down everything Raffi says," and I did feel sad admitting that I hadn't. Not at all. The thing is, Rafael is verbally so advanced, and it all went so quickly, that I wasn't really able to!

But here, I'll try to make up for that in a small way.

He holds conversations, forms whole sentences, and asks people how they are doing. He also likes to ask people where they were, and where they are going. 

He tells stories about the day, and is beginning to grasp the concept of 'yesterday' and 'tomorrow.'

A few days ago he began saying "I" instead of his name, as in, "I want milk" instead of "Raffi want milk." 

He says "Ich hab dich lieb" ("I love you").

He says 'bitte' ('please') and 'danke' ('thank you').

He understands English, and speaks a little bit of English, although he usually answers in German.

He understands emotions like sad, angry, and happy. Lately, when his father comes home, he says, "Ich freu mich!" ("I'm feeling happy!") Or "Ich bin so glücklich!" ("I'm so happy!")

He uses difficult words like "Sauerstoffmaske" ("oxygen mask"), "Rettungswagen" ("ambulance"), "Kompliziert"("complicated"), "Konzentriert" ("concentrated"), "Lokomotive" ("train"), "Begleiten" ("accompany"), "Reparieren" ("repair")....

He can count to 10 in both English and German.

He knows the entire lyrics to many songs and sings often.

He knows the order in which songs in an album come. In other words, he always knows what song is coming next.

He knows the names of all of his friends, all of their parents, and all of the local dogs. When he meets someone new, he always wants to know their name. 

He knows the names of all of the rooms in our home. If he asks where a toy of his is, and you say it's in his room or the living room, he knows where to look.

He knows about death. We found a dead pigeon, and a dog we knew died. I tried to explain that being dead means you go to sleep and don't wake up. I wasn't really sure how else to explain it to a two year old. He sometimes says things like, "The pigeon died. Mama did not die, and Papa did not die. I also didn't die." 

He remembers who gave him gifts. Even months later, he'll pick up a toy and say who gave it to him.

He understands big and small, up and down, light and dark, inside and outside, loud and quiet, near and far, old and fresh/new, and right and left. 

He adores his cousins, who are 3 and 6 years old. He asks about them all the time and loves spending time with them.

He sleeps in his own bed and room. His father reads him three books at bedtime and then he gets a bottle. Lately he prefers to have me put him to sleep, and my right arm always has to be naked so that he can stroke it while he falls asleep. Sometimes he doesn't say a word at bedtime, and other times he goes on and on about his day. 

Some funny things he has said lately:

About a mean-looking jack-o-lantern we saw on a walk: "That pumpkin is scolding us!"

About his uncle's cast after he broke his arm: "You have a huge band-aide on!"

About his babysitter's hair when she arrived with her hair up for the first time: "Tina, you have a new haircut!"

To me yesterday: "I'm very big, Mama. I'm already as big as you! You're very small." 

To a woman who was walking her pug: "Where is your second dog?" This is funny because almost everyone we know has two dogs, so he seems to think dogs only come in twos!

About a bald man jogging by: "That man is wearing a helmet." 

Rafael's father told him he had to head to the office. Rafael said he wants to go too. His father said, "You would be very bored there, I just sit at a computer." Now Rafael says often to me, "Papa is at the office, sitting." 

Yesterday at the zoo, there was an announcement saying "Attention, little Tim is looking for his father. He can be picked up at the information booth." Rafael was very concerned and kept saying to me, "The father is lost! The child lost his father!" I had to tell him again and again that everything was fine, and the boy had found his 'lost' father again.

Raffi's favorite thing to do in the evenings is crank up the heaters in his room and then run around naked until bath time.

Every time he hurts himself, he demands a band-aide, even if he isn't bleeding. And when he gets upset and cries about something, he says he wants to lay down and sleep.

He asks a million questions, especially about what we just did, or what we are about to do. He makes me repeat very often who we saw, where we were, what we did, what happened. Or where we are going, who will be there, what we will do there. Sometimes it can be exhausting how many questions he asks!

I am sure after hitting 'publish' I will remember many more things that this boy says and does. I am glad I finally recorded a few of them...I know I will be so grateful later, looking back, remembering this point in time. 

xoxoxo Love from a very proud Mommy.















Sunday, October 27, 2013

Simple Happy Things














Simple, happy things: 

- Chewy homemade Oreo brownies under a glass dome, surrounded by pumpkins and pressed leaves

- Walks in the autumn woods with friends and family

- A friend's gift of farm-fresh apples, packaged in a simple brown box

- Rafael snacking spicy lebkuchen cookies and milk at the kitchen counter

- Bright leaves falling everywhere, covering everything

- Sweet carrots from the farmer's market, scrubbed clean and served with hummus in an old teacup

- My two-year-old son, immersed for hours in nature

- Kiki catching leaves mid-flight in the air, and chasing them on windy days

- The loving bond between Raffi and his cousins

- Peeking in on my little boy napping, cuddled into his cowboy bedding

I have been taking so many photos lately that I can hardly keep up with the photoshop editing and blogging. So much beauty out in the woods....if Rafael didn't have to nap in the middle of the day we would be in the forest from dawn til dusk! 

xoxoxo


Monday, October 21, 2013

The Most Out Of Life













"One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure."
-William Feather

I have days when I feel that I am not doing enough, not making enough out of my life. I am sure there are so many people who feel this way, and I believe a lot of it has to do with the fact that, through social media, we see all the things other people are doing, achieving, and acquiring. All the things other people are cooking, crafting, remodeling, improving, and creating. It can be inspiring. And also overwhelming. 

I am doing my best, and when I remind myself of this, I can, for at least a little while, forgive myself for not being the mom who wakes up early to bake scones; the one who bakes all her own bread and tends a huge organic garden, all while raising five children and running a successful, impeccably designed etsy shop filled with her beautiful, ornate handmade things. She's probably writing and illustrating a cook book too. And has thousands of followers on her blog. And lives in a renovated old farmhouse. All things I think I should be doing and having, and don't. All things I think would make my life complete, make me whole, make me happy. But can't I decide to be complete, whole, and happy right now, in this very moment?

I have so much to be grateful for, and when I have an attitude of gratitude, I can breath again. 

When I focus on what my best is at this moment, and stop looking around at what other people are doing, I feel so much better!

When I forgive myself for not being perfect, I can move on and just keep doing my best. 

My life is a series of constant blessings. When I remember to think of it as such, the feelings of inadequacy and frustration drop away. 


We are enjoying gorgeous, golden days here. It's incredible, living a life in a peaceful country, with enough of everything, with a roof, a family, friends, time, food, love. For all these things, I am grateful!

xoxoxo

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails