Another Goodbye

This goodbye has been so much easier than our first.....it went so fast and I never saw it's heart beating. Still, it is a cruel thing...being taken on an emotional rollercoaster ride of joy and then loss. 

I found out I was pregnant on Thursday. "What are you doing next July 20th?" I asked my husband over the phone. "July 20th? I don't know, why?" "That's the due date of our next baby!" 

And then I lost it on Saturday.

So it was two days of excitement and worry. 

We both felt that mix of happiness and anxiety that only parents who have lost a baby before truly know.  

Maybe having a healthy child here, living, breathing, laughing, causing mayhem and making me laugh and pull my hair out at the same time, makes something like this easier. Having this blessing and being reminded that this is enough. If I never am blessed with a child again, it is enough. I am already so lucky.

So we say 'goodbye' to the tiny little poppyseed-sized bundle of cells and love and possibility, and focus on our blessings. 

Thank you....for always sharing in my journey. 

xoxoxo

Summer

My friend Dani just had her second child, a lovely angel of a boy, and invited us to visit her on her little farm and meet the latest member of the family. I held him and my heart beat faster. I made sure his sweet head was supported, marveling at his newness, handling him with gentle care. It's something so special to meet a brand new soul. 

After homemade peach cake and Dani's birth story, my friend Neli told me she would watch Rafael so I would have a chance to traipse around the grounds with my camera, as I love to do. I have missed being out and about with my camera very much. Losing myself in the plants, finding little pieces of nature that feel as if they were arranged just so that I could take their picture. Mother Nature creates the most beautiful still-lifes. 

So while Raffi splashed and squealed with delight along with the other children, I trudged through the high grass, discovering hedges of wild roses, a fallen feather, a rusty wagon wheel among frothy meadowsweet, and thin wisps of vine curling delicately around fencing. 

Summer is burning hot here, and Raffi runs around naked most of the time, with fingers full of cracker crumbs and a mouth red with strawberry juice. He has no time for sitting down to eat. I place little bowls of cut melon, peaches, ice cream, or banana on the patio table and he makes little stops for munching before running off to the water again. Sometimes I manage to slow him down long enough for a sandwich. Half of which lands on the floor for the dogs. He is having so much fun these days.

Happy summer everyone!

xoxoxo

Rafael Right Now, 13 1/2 Months

Guess where I am right now, while I'm writing this blog post? In bed! Alone! I know, I am as surprised as you are. I can't remember the last time I sat in bed, covered in a warm blanket, in the middle of a blustery day, with my computer on my lap. Ramon took Rafael on a walk, so I have some 'me time.' It won't last long, but hopefully long enough for me to write this post.

Rafael right now.....wow. He has grown so much, and is evolving every day. Besides the joy of him learning words, or learning how to walk, the most significant thing for me is watching his personality unfold. I am getting to know him, and at the same time, I am also one of the people molding him into the person he will one day be. 

As much fun as this time is, with him making me laugh throughout the day, it is also the most challenging age so far. He is mobile, quick, and curious. He understands so much, but chooses to ignore 'NO' most of the time. My approach to authority is to keep a loud and strict 'no' for the things that are dangerous. I don't want to over-use the word, and make it into something he hears all the time, therefore making him more likely to ignore it. But of course a 'no' also comes out when he is throwing rice in fistfuls from the highchair after I just vacuumed, or when he is poking the dogs while they are trying to eat. The hardest part for me is when my 'no' causes him to cry and throw a fit. This usually only happens nearing the end of the day, when he is tired. But I never really know what to do in this situation. He won't let me hug him, and usually points at my chest, demanding I comfort him by nursing. This leads me to say 'no' again, but it's a somewhat bewildered 'no,' because I am torn between going the easy way and giving him what he wants, or showing him that breastfeeding isn't something he demands from me when he is angry. In other words, I don't want to be bullied into breastfeeding him every time he doesn't get his way with something else. To me, this feels like our first bout of 'power struggle.' I try to avoid this situation at all costs, because it's very uncomfortable to me. It breaks my heart when he is crying his eyes out, pointing at my chest, wanting to be comforted, knowing I could give him that comfort very easily. But it just feels wrong.

Besides those tantrums, and my personal struggle with finding my voice and stance as a mother, I must say that Rafael is the most loving and hilarious little person I have ever encountered. This guy really has a sense of humor! We crack each other up so much, and there is nothing like hearing and seeing him laugh really hard. 

Another thing that impresses me is his incredible eye for detail. He will make car noises, pointing at a soda bottle, and I'll think, 'What is he talking about?' Then I turn the bottle to see what he's looking at, and there's a small red sports car on the label. 

Today he was looking at a book about winter, and there was an illustration of birds picking at the snowy ground. He pointed at them and then threw his arms wide and to the back, like wings. I have never shown him this move; in Baby Signing we learned to show a bird by using the thumb and index finger, up and down, like a beak opening and closing. He came up with this sign on his own, by observing the birds flying on our walks, and I thought, 'His sign makes so much more sense!' 

His eyes are definitely brown now. He has eight lovely little teeth. His hair grows at an alarming rate, it's been cut three times already and he'll need to go to the hair salon again soon! Feeding him is a bit difficult at the moment, as he seems to be getting very picky, and I'm never quite sure what to cook for him. It's pretty frustrating to cook him a meal and have the majority of it land on the floor!

One of the funnest things we do lately is go to the Schönbrunn Zoo in Vienna. We bought year-cards, so we can go as often as we like. Rafael especially loves the fish in the indoor aquarium, the seals, the flamingos, and the red pandas. 

My little boy....living with him is such an adventure. I love him so incredibly much. I thought about his birth the other day, while running errands and pushing him in the stroller, and was so overwhelmed by my love for him, by the bond we share. I had to stop the stroller and nuzzle his nose and shower his tiny smiling face with kisses.

xoxoxo

Rafael Right Now

My son Rafael is just over one year old now, and each day holds so much discovery and learning. Every day, he learns a new word, and shows me a new dimension of love. I never knew a child this age could show so much affection.

People often comment that Raffi is the happiest child they've ever seen, always smiling and peaceful. Of course he fusses sometimes, and can get very upset when he doesn't get his way. But for the most part, he is a funny, playful, curious, and cuddly boy. 

He recently began walking when pushing a baby walker, and his vocabulary and words he understands is growing at an amazing rate.

The words he says in German are: Mama, Papa, Oma (grandma), Auto (car), Nein (no), Da (there). 

The words he says in English are: Up, Again, Hat, Yum, House, Apple.

Things he understands: Hair, Nose, Eye, Mouth, Lion, Fox, Cat, Doggie, Horse, Bird, Airplane, iPhone, Music, Dance, Ball, Tree, Boston, Kiki, Nurse, More, Careful, Open, Stinky, Sleepy Time, Bath Time, Come Here, Where Is It?

Things he says in his own language: Eela (flowers), Ata (iPhone), Hiya (clothing and accessories like belts and scarves), Papamama (banana), Appa (any kind of fruit or berry). 

Funny things he does: Smacks his lips when he sees food or someone eating; turns his head and waves to me to come to him when he is pushing his walker; throws himself on me and his Papa for cuddles; dances to music; does a little happy dance when he is eating; 'visits' the dogs on the couch and points them out to me (but still hasn't said their names); tries to put socks on his feet; bites the toothbrush when I try to brush his teeth; wrinkles his nose when I say 'stinky.'

My little boy loves cars and animals and books; chicken, noodles, cookies, fruit; and his family.

He hates hats and shoes.

It is incredible watching this person unfold day by day. Being his mother makes me feel so special, and makes me want to do and be my best.

Thank you for sharing in my parental joy. :)

xoxoxo

Rafael's First Birthday Party!

Thank you all so much for your lovely birthday greetings! 

We celebrated on Sunday, with Raffi's friends and family members. It was gorgeous weather....sunny and crisp. Perfect! The theme for the party was woodland animals and autumn. There was chocolate cake (and a little smash cake for Rafael that he loved), a blow up pool with colorful balls to play with, thoughtful gifts, party favors tucked into handmade acorns and moss, and poached apples for the babies to enjoy. Sunflowers, pumpkins, wreaths of dried flowers, and benches on the terrace made comfy with pillows and quilts. 

I had planned on serving cream of mushroom soup and warm roast vegetable salad, but learned the hard way that you can't plan much when you have a toddler. He screamed and cried all morning, while I tried to clean and decorate. I almost cancelled the whole thing. But as soon as the first guests arrived, he turned into a cheerful, sunny boy. Thank goodness!

Nights have been rough, and the days are a mix of clapping and calling out 'BRAVO!' when Rafael stands on his own, and pure exhaustion because Raffi refuses to nap. But Ramon and I agree that he has never been as fun as he is now! He says so many things: 'hat,' 'up,' 'nein' ('no'), 'auto' ('car'), 'Papa,' 'Mama,' 'Oma' ('grandma'); and a bunch of animal sounds; and the most exciting thing is, if you ask him 'Where is Rafael,' he points at himself! 

I know I should do a proper update, and I will soon. But I am so incredibly tired right now.....I'm headed off to bed!

Thanks again for all of your sweet words!

xoxo

Missing

Sometimes I'll be spending time with Rafael, and suddenly I am overwhelmed with the feeling that something is missing. You know when you leave the house and think, "Wait, did I forget something?" Then I realize it's his older sibling that is missing.

Sometimes I feel like he is just in the other room playing, or about to run around the corner and laugh. He'd be two years old by now, a sunny, funny, busy little boy with shining mischievous eyes and a laugh that rings out. He'd run around our home with a superman cape trailing behind him, and show Rafael all of his toy cars and dinosaurs. He'd hold his little brother and give him kisses on the forehead, and Rafael would look up at him with a big grin and so much fascination.

I truly believe that Blueberry is with us. Ramon also said that sometimes he can FEEL him in the room with us. I always feel him next to Rafael. There were two times when Rafael was still a tiny baby when he laughed and smiled up at nothing, and I alway got goosebumps, feeling strongly that his big brother was there, visiting.

Today, watching Rafael nap beside me, I broke into quiet tears, missing my first baby so badly. Feeling so robbed of his life, his laugh, his love.

I can imagine that people who have never lost a baby might find it strange to miss an unborn child so much, especially when you have been given the blessing of a live, healthy baby. They might even think mothers like me are ungrateful. I am definitely not ungrateful. I cherish every moment with my little Rafael. But parents who have experienced loss will know that, one baby does not replace another. One soul cannot replace another.

I am afraid I will always feel something is missing from this little family. As beautiful as it is, there is a very special part missing.

I leave you now with a photograph of Rafael and his Papa a couple of weeks ago...When Ramon and I looked at it, we were both instantaneously hit with the feeling that the light shaft shining down on Rafael was Blueberry. So it was, indeed, a family walk. He does come visit us sometimes. And is with us in our hearts always.

xoxoxo

Baby Food: Nourishing My Growing Child

Each mother I know has a different approach to feeding their child. The main differences have to do with what is allowed, and at which age. My approach is: a large variety of vegetables, fruits, fats, and proteins; all organic; and high in nutrition. Whether I cook it fresh, as the picture above depicts, or serve up a glass of organic baby food (with some tasty additions that I will share with you), really doesn't matter to me. As long as I know the ingredients are high quality, and Rafael enjoys it, it's right by me.

He eats all vegetables and fruits, as well as pasta, rice, dark bread with butter, grain cereals, and natural cookies and crackers.

What I really love to do is jazz up his meals with tasty and nutritious additions. It's important to me that his food is never dull, and that he is introduced to many different textures and flavors early on. 

Here is a list of nutrition-dense and flavorful foods that I add to his homemade or store-bought meals. Keep in mind that I buy all of these in the best quality I can, which means free range, extra virgin, certified organic, grass fed, seasonal, or local, depending on the item.

-Coconut oil

-Coconut milk

-Fresh sweet cream

-Sour cream

-Sheep's yogurt

-Cow's yogurt

-Butter

-Soft boiled or hard boiled egg yolk

-Fresh minced herbs

-Fish

-Beef

-Chicken

-Sea Salt (a tiny sprinkling for minerals and flavor)

Some favorite combinations are:

-Steamed sweet potato and broccoli with chicken, sweet cream, and sea salt

-Steamed potatoes, pumpkin, and zucchini with beef, coconut oil, and sea salt

-Steamed Chard, potatoes, and carrots with butter, egg yolk, and sea salt

-Sliced vegetables sauteed in coconut oil and eaten as finger food

-Blueberry-apple sauce with sheep's yogurt

-Strawberry-raspberry-apple sauce with cow's yogurt

-Mashed banana with coconut milk

The perfect finger foods, where he can practice his pincher grasp with thumb and pointer finger, are:

-Red currants

-Blueberries

-Grapes

-Dark bread with butter, cut into little squares

-Wholegrain Cheerios

Foods and flavors I am looking forward to introducing Rafael to this fall and winter are:

-Baked apples

-Ginger

-Cinnamon

-Fresh figs

-Blackberries

-Persimmon

-Almonds

-Walnuts

-Chestnuts

-Turkey

-Dumplings

Bon Appetit, babies!

xoxo

Rafael Turns 10 Months!

The past two weeks have been so full of progress for little Rafael! He is pulling himself around on his stomach, so quick, here and there...and he can go from lying down to sitting all on his own. That's a big step, and he's so proud about it! He looks at me and grins every time he does it. He is also pulling himself up, especially on the open dishwasher door while I empty it. 

He would love to play with the water in the dog bowl, and tries to all the time. He points at so many things all day long and always asks "Daaaa?!" which means 'there?' in german. So I tell him: "That's the fan....that's Kiki....that's an airplane....that's a bird....that's a book....that's a tree." He listens intently and soaks it all up like a sponge.

If I need to clean, I put him in his high chair and scatter Cheerios or red currants in front of him. He picks them up one by one and plops them in his mouth. This always buys me some time for getting chores done.

As the many fuzzy photos above show, it's hard to take a picture of him now! He is so active! And it's gotten very difficult to change his diaper or dress him, because he just wants to keep moving around, exploring everything, and lying on one's back is of course boring.

He is affectionate, hilarious, curious, and healthy. My little boy at 10 months.

xoxoxo

The Chicken Hunt Continues

Another gorgeous summer day on my friend Dani's farm. And this time I found the chickens!

I also walked down this little way...

...and got a peek into the greenhouse, climbing with cucumber vines.

Rafael and his three friends played under a the big sky. It was so nice to spend time with fellow mommies, talking about all the things on our minds, sharing ideas, thoughts, and opinions.

When I went to visit the white hen sitting in the coop, she actually stood up and laid an egg right in front of me!

Dani sent me home with three zucchinis and chives from her garden, and a little green speckled egg from the coop. They looked so pretty on my kitchen counter.

I'm thinking....zucchini muffins?

xoxoxo