What You Have the Courage to Ask For

It's been an amazing summer so far, with a trip to the Salzburg mountains and so many sweet, simple moments with my son. We've had a wonderful mix of rain and heat, and the woods are already sprouting mushrooms that normally don't start appearing until July. Lately I've been experiencing instances where I am doing some little task, and find myself feeling just fine, which is a foreign sensation since my Mom died. I still have overwhelming waves of grief wash over me and shake my entire being. But more and more often, I have those realiziations that I am OK, things are good. Things would be better, and different, if I still had my Mom to talk to, and hug, and make new memories with. But this is how things are. It's time to start being OK.

Things have certainly changed quite a bit since I last wrote. At some point early this year, we came to the acceptance that Rafael will be an only child. After long, frustrating periods of trying to conceive, where each month of disappointment slowly poisons your relationship and eats away at your gratitude and joy, we decided stop mourning the absence of a second child and to instead celebrate having our healthy, lovely son. We let go of our picture of how our family would be. And we let go of the notion that we would only be whole and happy if Rafael had a sibling and we had a second child. I got rid of almost all of the baby stuff I had stored, and it was very freeing. We still have times where that longing comes back, and who knows, maybe it will never go away entirely. But the pressure and frustration are gone. They have been replaced by gratitude for my son that gives me butterflies in my stomach when I think about it! It is truly fanstastic having an only child. I would describe it as relaxed, and intimate. 

This realization presented a step that I thought would come much later. I thought I would be a stay-at-home-mom for many years to come, since I expected to have more than one child. But now I was the mother of a four and a half year old who spent the majority of his days in preschool, where his friends were, where he socialized, learned, and played. My work as a mother felt less and less like work, and was evolving into a deep, loving relationship. This is such a wonderful step, but it also became clear that he did not need me like he used to, and that it was time for me to find a job. 

For about a week, I fell into a depressed state. I had no idea what I should do. I am in my mid-thirties, and my life looked different than I thought it would. So what would the new picture be? I began beating myself up. Why hadn't I found what I want to do yet? Why had everything I had tried so far failed? I knew I didn't want to be self-employed, but I also didn't want to sit at a cashier or wait tables. There are so many creative things I love, but I didn't want to be a struggling artist. I wanted a stable job where I could be creative, where I wouldn't get bored. Something I would want to do for at least the next 30 years of my life.

But what could that be?

So there I was, feeling sorry for myself, when I started thinking about how I feel every time I bring Rafael to preschool, and pick him up. How I feel when his preschool puts on a little play, or celebrates Christmas. How I feel when he brings something home that he crafted, or tells me excitedly about something new he learned there. How I feel when I spend some time in his preschool group, sitting on a tiny chair, watching the children build with blocks or eat their crackers, surrounded by children's voices. What feelings did I get? Happiness. Comfort. Wonder. Fun. I pictured myself in a classroom with children, and immediately felt my heart jump. And suddenly I thought, "I wonder how someone goes about becoming a preschool teacher?" I began researching on the internet, and quickly found out that there was an open-door event taking place just a few days later at the near-by school where you could earn your teaching credentials.

After that open-door day, I knew this was the right thing. There were all sorts of beaurocratic hurdles for me as an ex-pat, but my will to make it happen had me ticking off those tasks one by one, springing over obstacles and heading in the right direction in a driven manner I had never experienced. I passed the qualifying exam with flying colors and am signed up to begin my two-and-a-half year education this September!

Oprah once said, "You get in life what you have the courage to ask for." I am learning to be outrageous and courageous with the things I ask for. I don't want mediocrity, and I don't want my life and creativity to be wasted. I am asking for a life well-lived, full of meaning for my fellow mankind. I am asking for a job that I love. I am asking for a job that is much more significant than a paycheck. A career that feels tailormade, where I learn easily because I am interested in what I am learning. Where my strengths shine, and my weaknesses are just tiny bumps in the road. It takes courage to ask for those things, to ask for your life to be something special.

Needless to say I am full of anticipation and have a whole new reason to look forward to Fall this year. I wonder if you all would be interested in following my journey to becoming a preschool teacher?

xoxoxo Thank you for sticking around and always welcoming me back!

The Day My Mom Died

These pictures were taken just outside of San Francisco on the morning of August 25th. Later that day, my Mom died. She had been ill for a long time without knowing it, and once she found out, it went fast. We flew to her and spent her final days together. I was there, holding her foot, when she passed. 

Her illness was one of the reasons I stopped writing here. I found it hard to concentrate, hard to write about the beauty in each day. 

I don't know if I will continue this blog. Lately I find it hard to share personal things. 

I can tell you this: Rafael is blossoming, healthy, hilarious, and the most amazing person I've ever met. He is doing very well. 

The woods are still my sanctuary, the dogs are still my comfort, and my husband is still my best friend. 

I miss my Mom every day. It is unfair, and cruel, that she is gone. The past couple of years have been difficult, and I have had to be very strong. 

Fortunately, my life is also sparkling with blessings, wonders, and miracles.

Love, Dawn

January and February

The first month of the year came and went in the blink of an eye. So many changes and new routines. Rafael began going to daycare two mornings a week and is getting settled in. I started waking up while it was still dark and the icy streets were empty to jog with the dogs. My husband's work year started up once again. Things felt fresh and full of good intentions.

My birthday was celebrated with a small but spectacular chocolate cake. I asked my husband to bring home flowers to decorate it, and he brought a big bouquet of roses. I ended up putting them in a vase and only using a cloud of baby breath on top of the frosting. I loved the simple look, paired with tall, thin candles. Friends and family came for the afternoon, it was a noisy bunch, toddlers running in and out of rooms, laughter and conversation. A friend made me a lovely little paintbrush organizer. My husband gave me a new wide lens for my camera. 

A couple of weeks ago Rafael got sick and I spent one of those terrible weeks stuck indoors with him. We watched lots of dvds, read hundreds of books, rolled out play-doh and lay out train tracks. He got amazingly good at doing puzzles. There were of course nice moments, but I have to admit that when he is sick I get depressed and my nerves are frazzled. Our whole rhythm is destroyed, and we are trapped inside these rooms with no break for days on end. I dream of going back to our regular daily routine, meeting with friends, going into the woods, even just going to the grocery store. In the end Rafael always seems a bit taller, and wiser. And I always think, "Why can't I just be more patient and serene?" 

Lately, when I get angry, and then Rafael and I make up again, he asks, "Are we best friends again?" And I melt and say, "Of course, we are always best friends, even when I'm angry." 

In my spare time I have been organizing my photographs and designing a logo and blog for my future small photography business. I will be offering child, family, and adult portraits. I'm feeling excited, mixed with fear and insecurity....can I do this? Will I be good at this? Will customers be satisfied? Am I capable of making smart business decisions? I try to put these questions in the back of my mind and don't let them slow me down.

Another important thing going on in my life right now is that, 11 days ago, I began Jamie Eason's LiveFit 12 week trainer program, and I'm already seeing and feeling results. It's mostly a mental challenge for me, sticking to the diet and getting my exhausted self to the gym. But the positive benefits are keeping me motivated. I don't want to look at old photos of the great figure I used to have with a sad feeling anymore...I want to look in the mirror and feel great about what I see. I also want to prove to myself that I can do this. It's not easy...if it was easy, everyone would do it. Sometimes I think, "What am I doing? Every-day-stuff is hard enough without adding all this meal preparation and training to the picture. Who cares if I'm out of shape. I'm a mom." My body is much stronger than my mind. My body if capable of so much. It's my mind that causes problems! I can't tell you how often I go on Instagram and look at motivating photos of fit moms, just to get myself to put on my gym clothes and go there. 

So that's what's been going on around here. I hope to blog again soon!

xoxoxo

Another Goodbye

This goodbye has been so much easier than our first.....it went so fast and I never saw it's heart beating. Still, it is a cruel thing...being taken on an emotional rollercoaster ride of joy and then loss. 

I found out I was pregnant on Thursday. "What are you doing next July 20th?" I asked my husband over the phone. "July 20th? I don't know, why?" "That's the due date of our next baby!" 

And then I lost it on Saturday.

So it was two days of excitement and worry. 

We both felt that mix of happiness and anxiety that only parents who have lost a baby before truly know.  

Maybe having a healthy child here, living, breathing, laughing, causing mayhem and making me laugh and pull my hair out at the same time, makes something like this easier. Having this blessing and being reminded that this is enough. If I never am blessed with a child again, it is enough. I am already so lucky.

So we say 'goodbye' to the tiny little poppyseed-sized bundle of cells and love and possibility, and focus on our blessings. 

Thank you....for always sharing in my journey. 

xoxoxo

A Playgroup In the Woods

The fort pictured here is something I built together with Rafael, his cousins, and his grandma and grandpa the past couple of weeks. We would stop there on our walks in the woods to eat little picnics, always adding more sticks and leaves. We were there so often that a little path formed leading up to it.

While sitting there with Rafael and his best friend Flo the other day, I thought of how nice it would be to share this spot, and the experience of playing in the woods, with other children. I quickly created a website, set a date, and invited all the local mothers I know. And on Tuesday, a freezing cold autumn day with blue skies, 18 of us gathered in the forest to play. 

This will be a weekly meet-up, year round, rain or shine. I am so happy that I went ahead and quickly organized this....usually I weigh the pros and cons about things for ages before taking action. This time, I just figured I have nothing to lose. 

I have many ideas for things I would like to try out in the future; games, snacks, rituals. 

But the kids were really happy just being out in the elements, and having a little tree fort as their base. 

It's definitely fall here. Freezing cold temperatures (we had our first frost this morning) and leaves turning yellow and red. I am craving baked goods, soups, roasts, and frothy hot chocolate. You too?

xoxoxo

Rafael's Heart

I've been grappling with the decision of whether to write this post or not. At first I didn't want to because I was too upset and didn't want to go through putting it all down into words. But today I realized that this blog wouldn't be a completely honest record of my life, and Rafael's life, if I didn't.

First of all, Rafael is probably fine. He is joyful and energetic, and is developing as he should be. This made it all the more shocking when I took him to the doctor last Tuesday for a check up and found out that he has a heart murmur.

We've been to two doctors with him; both say it is most likely that he has a small hole in his heart. Both also said that, usually, little holes like his heal on their own over time.

We're taking Raffi to a children's heart specialist on February 13th for a heart ultrasound to find out exactly what is causing the heart murmur and if something has to be done or if we can just leave it be and have it checked regularly.

We've been told that this type of heart defect is relatively common and shouldn't worry us too much. But to be absolutely honest: these past few days have been a blur of panic for me. I couldn't sleep, and couldn't think straight. So overwhelmed with fear and horrible thoughts. I have relaxed a little; it was incredibly exhausting to constantly worry, and I didn't want to waste time and energy being negative when I should be giving Rafael all of my undivided, positive, loving attention.

But I don't think I will be able to fully relax until we've been to the heart specialist. And the thought that we might get bad news when we go keeps haunting me.

In the meantime, I'm just trying to stay positive and enjoy every moment with my son, who is happy and sweet, and oblivious to the hole in his precious little heart.

xoxo

All is Well

First I want to thank you all for your positive thoughts and prayers...they worked!

It was quite a day we had on Friday. We decided to cancel the birth course we had signed up for and to go to the hospital instead. Neither of us could have sat and concentrated with the worry we were feeling about a possible pre-term labor.

I packed a bag in case they kept me at the hospital, and wondered if I would really have to stay there, not seeing the dogs, away from home, away from my husband. That thought alone was torture.

We drove to the hospital, where I was hooked up to the CTG machine and had an ultrasound done. Those long moments when you are waiting to hear news, when you are waiting in the hall with strangers...I don't think I could ever warm up to hospitals. Although, I have to add, the doctors we had were extremely friendly.

In the end, everything came out very positive. Yes, Rafael is digging his head deep down into my pelvis, causing pain and some uncomfortable contractions, but the good news is that the midwife was wrong about my cervix being partially effaced. The doctor determined, per ultrasound, that my uterus is extremely tilted to the back, which resulted in the midwife believing that the cervix had prematurely shortened.

Amidst all the worry and relief, we got to see our son on the ultrasound screen, sucking his thumb as usual. He is doing so well, growing at the perfect pace, with long legs like his daddy. What an absolute joy it is to be reassured that he is happy and healthy! And hopefully staying inside for a while longer.

Even after hearing all the good news, I couldn't really calm down for a while. I was only able to release my fears and breath once we got back home, where the dogs were waiting with wagging tails, and everything looked different and simple because we were happy. We spent the evening giving each other spontaneous hugs, sighing with relief, eating big portions of pasta (we both hadn't been able to eat all day because of our nerves and were suddenly hit with huge appetites). We marveled again and again how amazing it is when you are given the relief of good news, how the simplest things like being at home and sharing a meal can feel like absolute heavenly luxury.

Thank you all again for your concern and your love! I really really appreciate you!!

It's A.......

original artwork by tinyprints

We are so thrilled to be expecting a SON!  

We won't be buying blue just yet, though....the doctor said we should wait for the gender to be confirmed at our next ultrasound on May 3rd.

I just can't stop smiling....

xoxo country girl

The Most Happy News!

We're having a baby!

I am so happy to finally share this with all of you. This morning we had our 12 week scan (one of the most amazing experiences of my life to see our baby, with hands and feet and an adorable head, kicking and wiggling around), and once the ultrasound technician told us that our baby looks healthy as can be, I was ready to tell the world.

This precious baby was conceived on Christmas, and it's due date is September 18th.

We are over the moon. Especially now that we have seen it, so lively and healthy! It was so active that the technician had a hard time getting a good photo of it.

Ever since we found out on January 8th that God had blessed us with another chance, it has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Worry, joy, fear, excitement. I am glad I can finally share what I am truly going through. It's been hard to keep this big part of my life a secret up until now! How many times I have wanted to write about my morning sickness, my cravings, my hopes, my thoughts.

There is someone I want to a send a very special Thank you: Cheryl, a reader of this blog for over a year according to her heartfelt letter, sent me the most beautiful gift.

A necklace in commemoration of our first baby, Blueberry, who left us so soon. Thank you, Cheryl. Your thoughtfulness and kindness has touched my husband and I so deeply. You have given us such a precious gift. Our hearts are mingled with yours.

The sun is shining, and the birds are busy building nests. We are waiting impatiently for spring to burst forth, for warmth to ease us and green to please us. But mostly, today, we are simply grateful. To have seen our baby, to know that it is healthy, and to have been given this amazing gift of new life.

xoxo country girl

Preview Of Our New Nest

I hope your Thanksgiving was a festive, joyful celebration, with loads of good eats and good company!

I couldn't believe it when the handyman who has been working on our apartment actually finished. The next morning when I walked into our living room, I felt the most delicious happiness! There was nothing more to do. Everything was in it's place, and everything was perfect.

I took my camera and went from room to room, taking pictures and admiring the calm, quiet beauty of order. Utter satisfaction.

Here's a picture of our dining table. It's just a little preview of the rest...my mother and her boyfriend arrived from America today and we stayed up late, talking and laughing, so I'm very tired in a happy way now, but wanted to share this pic before heading to bed.

We are constantly commenting on how much space we have now. We got rid of so many belongings, and I've been revelling in the feeling of having only what we need and love. Sweet simplicity.

We're still waiting on our new linen couch, two barstools, and curtains. But other than that, we're DONE!

More photos to come...

Sending love,

xoxo country girl

Golden Moments

The forests in these parts are mainly silver birch, which turn the most delicious caramel in fall. Right now the woods are absolutely magical. Leaves trickle down on shafts of light and form a thick carpet of camel, tan, and gold. The dogs chase eachother, kicking up clouds of papery leaves, while I slowly crunch down the path, soaking in all the beauty. 

As you all know, we moved last Friday to our new home. It was a very chaotic time, and I was on the verge of an awful cold. On Saturday we did alot of unpacking, but on Sunday I was too sick, and spent the day in bed with a fever. On Monday I was already feeling a little better, and by now I am doing quite well. (Unfortunately I passed the cold onto Ramon, so I'll be pampering him over the 3-day weekend. Soup, bubble baths, and lots of liquids!)

Bit by bit this place is becoming a home. It actually already feels like our home, just doesn't quite look like it yet! Still lots of things in boxes. The kitchen is almost complete, the wall just needs tiles. Once everything is in place I promise to share photos. I consider myself an honest person, but the honesty of pictures of this place in it's current state is where I draw the line!

Today we got cable and internet up, so I can finally say HELLO! :) I've missed you, and am looking forward to taking the time to visit you all and see what you've been up to while I was 'gone.' It felt really odd not being able to go online, which I quickly realized is the place where I connect with so many people I consider to be friends, and whose lives I enjoy following. Is that strange? 


I hope you've been enjoying these gorgeous, golden days of late October!


Love,


xoxo country girl

 

We're Moving Tomorrow!

Wow, you wouldn't believe how crazy things are right now. But I just had to leave a quick note to tell you all that tomorrow is the BIG DAY! We can hardly wait to sleep in our new home, and make that first humble meal in our new kitchen. It will probably be PB&J sandwiches or Ramen noodles. :)

I hope to have internet up soon. In the meantime, I'll think of you all fondly, and hope you will have your fingers crossed for a smooth transition and a happy fresh start!


xoxoxoxo country girl

Happy Harvest!

It's here sweet friends! The best time of the year...the glowing months of Autumn. My heart is so full! I am so happy to be blessed with another season of golden leaves, pumpkin moonshine, cold starry nights and misty magical mornings. 

 

The narrow roads of this little village are sprinkled with the first fallen leaves, and children walk in chatty groups to school on mornings when your breath puffs in white clouds from your mouth. Crows caw their grumpy complaints and squirrels scamper about on important business.

Among the dew-soaked grass, I found this fiery red leaf, and I wished it were a brooch, so I could pin it to my orange raincoat. Nature has the most spectacular colors of all.

I just have to share this tiny butcher's block with you. Can you believe how sweet it is? It's a vintage find from etsy. I put little clusters of crabapples on it and had to squeal with delight!

This mini butcher's block will be fun to decorate with for many years to come, and in all seasons. Just imagine a pint-sized cake or pie on top of it!

This is another etsy find that I am in love with; Vintage By Crystal is such a fun shop, with handmade folkart figurines. I had this one custom-made for a Kiki La Ru photoshoot...but I was most excited about being able to keep it for a Halloween decoration afterwards!

It's a cheerful thought that there are people out there who sit and craft adorable, precious things like this, isn't it? It gives me hope, somehow.

I've been busy with my shop, too, and am very excited about the latest addition to the Kiki La Ru selection: DIY cake bunting kits!

 Perfect indoor project for fall, for all the crafty people out there who would like to make their own cake bunting. I am very curious to see how they will be received.

This autumn is shaping up to be busy and adventurous...only three weeks until our big move! 

The doggies are doing fabulously well, playing, dozing in the sunny spots of the home, barking at cars and dogs and air from the bedroom window. I love them so much.

You know, when fall rolls around, it always catches me by surprise...it's almost as if it were too precious to return every year. I am always somewhat stunned, and my heart starts beating fast, and I am filled with determination; I always promise myself I will do my best to soak up every bit of autumn goodness. 

Let's soak up Autumn goodness together!

A big, mittened, toasty hug,

xoxo country girl