January and February

The first month of the year came and went in the blink of an eye. So many changes and new routines. Rafael began going to daycare two mornings a week and is getting settled in. I started waking up while it was still dark and the icy streets were empty to jog with the dogs. My husband's work year started up once again. Things felt fresh and full of good intentions.

My birthday was celebrated with a small but spectacular chocolate cake. I asked my husband to bring home flowers to decorate it, and he brought a big bouquet of roses. I ended up putting them in a vase and only using a cloud of baby breath on top of the frosting. I loved the simple look, paired with tall, thin candles. Friends and family came for the afternoon, it was a noisy bunch, toddlers running in and out of rooms, laughter and conversation. A friend made me a lovely little paintbrush organizer. My husband gave me a new wide lens for my camera. 

A couple of weeks ago Rafael got sick and I spent one of those terrible weeks stuck indoors with him. We watched lots of dvds, read hundreds of books, rolled out play-doh and lay out train tracks. He got amazingly good at doing puzzles. There were of course nice moments, but I have to admit that when he is sick I get depressed and my nerves are frazzled. Our whole rhythm is destroyed, and we are trapped inside these rooms with no break for days on end. I dream of going back to our regular daily routine, meeting with friends, going into the woods, even just going to the grocery store. In the end Rafael always seems a bit taller, and wiser. And I always think, "Why can't I just be more patient and serene?" 

Lately, when I get angry, and then Rafael and I make up again, he asks, "Are we best friends again?" And I melt and say, "Of course, we are always best friends, even when I'm angry." 

In my spare time I have been organizing my photographs and designing a logo and blog for my future small photography business. I will be offering child, family, and adult portraits. I'm feeling excited, mixed with fear and insecurity....can I do this? Will I be good at this? Will customers be satisfied? Am I capable of making smart business decisions? I try to put these questions in the back of my mind and don't let them slow me down.

Another important thing going on in my life right now is that, 11 days ago, I began Jamie Eason's LiveFit 12 week trainer program, and I'm already seeing and feeling results. It's mostly a mental challenge for me, sticking to the diet and getting my exhausted self to the gym. But the positive benefits are keeping me motivated. I don't want to look at old photos of the great figure I used to have with a sad feeling anymore...I want to look in the mirror and feel great about what I see. I also want to prove to myself that I can do this. It's not easy...if it was easy, everyone would do it. Sometimes I think, "What am I doing? Every-day-stuff is hard enough without adding all this meal preparation and training to the picture. Who cares if I'm out of shape. I'm a mom." My body is much stronger than my mind. My body if capable of so much. It's my mind that causes problems! I can't tell you how often I go on Instagram and look at motivating photos of fit moms, just to get myself to put on my gym clothes and go there. 

So that's what's been going on around here. I hope to blog again soon!

xoxoxo

Christmas

I hope you're all enjoying the holidays. 

Things are very different with my husband home. Rafael is so excited to play and spend time with his father, and he usually pushes me away when I want to join saying, "No Mama, not you. Go away." I don't take it personal, or at least I try not to. I know he is making up for all the many many days his father was away or distracted this past year. Those two have a lot of catching up and bonding to do. 

This was the first Christmas where Rafael was aware of what was going on, so it was a lot of fun to get into all the magic making. Putting out cookies and a letter for Santa, wondering with Raffi what he would get, then clapping and saying 'Hurrah!' when there were gifts under the tree Christmas morning. Santa brought Raffi a big wooden Noah's Ark, and he has been playing with it for hours every day since, putting the animals in and out, and looking for the Mamas of the baby animals, reuniting them. "Where are you Mama Sheep? There is your Mama, little baby sheep. Now you can go in the boat with her."

I do sense that Rafael is going through a difficult period. He is very whiny and resistant to almost everything. He hates going on morning walks, which means that every day begins with a struggle. We try to mix things up, bring toys and tools along, go on new paths, pack a picnic. But he's not having it. He gets specific ideas in his head and when they don't happen he has major melt downs. We are doing that balancing act of trying to avoid freak-outs, but also trying to avoid raising a tyrant. It's tough. 

Still, at the end of the day, with our feet up on the coffe table and our nerves slowly easing, we look at each other and say, "Now that he's sleeping, I miss him." "He's so incredibly cute." "Remember when he said this and and did that?" 

Thanks for all of your input regarding my inner dialogue about parenting and the future. I really appreciate it.

xoxoxo

Warm Ovens and Cold Mornings

I've been keeping the kitchen warm with baking. The last pumpkin pie has been finished off and now we're on to more Christmasy things like gingerbread cutouts, buttery lemon rounds, almond anise cookies, and a few dozen meringues, full of dark chocolate chunks. 

We've been having frosty, ice cold mornings. I took a backpack with me on a recent walk through the woods and gathered larch cones and pine branches to decorate our home for the holidays. Paired with simple white candles they make the most humble, beautiful arrangements. 

Now, when the branches are bare, I spot so many woodpecker holes and squirrel nests . From Rafael's room we can also look out the window and watch ravens in the tree outside, cawing, wiping their beaks on the branches, and sometimes looking back at us. So many of the other creatures are burrowed away now, hiding from the cold, and it is kind of nature to give us the open sky and naked trees in winter, that we may observe the birds so closely, who are mostly hidden by green foliage in the warmer seasons. 

The days, though short in terms of light, feel very long. Rafael is going through a difficult phase, seeming dissatisfied and irritated much of the time. Maybe we are alone too much. Maybe he should be with other children more often. I wonder if he is bored. Our walks in the woods are so much shorter now that it is cold, and then we are left with a lot of time at home, and although we have Play-Doh, crayons, Playmobil and puzzles, Raffi appears to have lost some interest in playing with these things. I ask him if he'd like to bake cookies or read a book, and he just seems annoyed with everything I suggest. I ask myself: Is this a phase? Or do I need to make a change?

On clear, freezing cold nights, walking the dogs down the quiet neighborhood streets, the stars pierce the darkness, and I get that strange feeling in my stomach that I always get when I look up at the night sky. There is something about seeing that open space, feeling so small under it's gigantic darkness, which both frightens and fascinates me. Seeing the stars, knowing they aren't just tiny lights but actual physical things that I could touch and walk on if I was close enough...

I also get that strange feeling in my stomach when I see airplanes soaring through the sky. I always wonder: where is it headed? Who is inside? What are the stories and dreams and hopes and disappointments and fates of all those passengers? And then my stomach starts feeling funny, and I think: to those people in the plane, looking down, I am just an insignificant dot. 

xoxoxo

What these pictures don't tell you...

What these pictures don't tell you is that the past couple of weeks have been a struggle. My husband was nearing a burn-out, I cry almost every morning out of frustration because getting Rafael and the dogs and myself ready to leave the house feels like an almost impossible feat, and I feel disconnected to my friends and family.

What these pictures don't tell you is that what I really truly desire is to connect deeply and truly with people; to understand and feel understood; to support and feel supported.

What these pictures don't tell you is that I have selfish material desires, like a big lovely home surrounded by land and trees. I try to be content with what I have, it's more than I dared to wish for in the past. But fantasies creep up into my mind, no matter how hard I try to focus on my blessings.

What these pictures don't tell you is that I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing for my son, for my dogs, for my husband, for my friends, for my family, for my self. 

What these pictures don't tell you is that I get pangs of jealousy when I look at pictures on Instagram. And then I feel guilty for feeling jealous. 

What these pictures don't tell you is that I have gained back 7 of the 25 pounds I lost. 

What these pictures don't tell you is that I worry. I worry so much and so often!

What these pictures don't tell you is that my most meaningful relationship is with my son. It scares and overwhelms me how significant and important he is to me. It frightens me how much I love him. It baffles me that this person, who is so tiring, demanding, and exhausting, can be the light of my life and the one thing in my life I know to be true and good.

xoxoxo

This Boy, Right Now

I am overwhelmed, beginning this post, with the goal of recording what my two year old son Rafael is like right now. The funny, amazing things he says...the things he likes...our relationship. I haven't written a growth update in longer than I would like to admit, I guess because you don't realize the leaps and bounds your child makes in the every day, but rather, looking back at how he used to be compared to today. 

A friend said to me, "I hope you've been writing down everything Raffi says," and I did feel sad admitting that I hadn't. Not at all. The thing is, Rafael is verbally so advanced, and it all went so quickly, that I wasn't really able to!

But here, I'll try to make up for that in a small way.

He holds conversations, forms whole sentences, and asks people how they are doing. He also likes to ask people where they were, and where they are going. 

He tells stories about the day, and is beginning to grasp the concept of 'yesterday' and 'tomorrow.'

A few days ago he began saying "I" instead of his name, as in, "I want milk" instead of "Raffi want milk." 

He says "Ich hab dich lieb" ("I love you").

He says 'bitte' ('please') and 'danke' ('thank you').

He understands English, and speaks a little bit of English, although he usually answers in German.

He understands emotions like sad, angry, and happy. Lately, when his father comes home, he says, "Ich freu mich!" ("I'm feeling happy!") Or "Ich bin so glücklich!" ("I'm so happy!")

He uses difficult words like "Sauerstoffmaske" ("oxygen mask"), "Rettungswagen" ("ambulance"), "Kompliziert"("complicated"), "Konzentriert" ("concentrated"), "Lokomotive" ("train"), "Begleiten" ("accompany"), "Reparieren" ("repair")....

He can count to 10 in both English and German.

He knows the entire lyrics to many songs and sings often.

He knows the order in which songs in an album come. In other words, he always knows what song is coming next.

He knows the names of all of his friends, all of their parents, and all of the local dogs. When he meets someone new, he always wants to know their name. 

He knows the names of all of the rooms in our home. If he asks where a toy of his is, and you say it's in his room or the living room, he knows where to look.

He knows about death. We found a dead pigeon, and a dog we knew died. I tried to explain that being dead means you go to sleep and don't wake up. I wasn't really sure how else to explain it to a two year old. He sometimes says things like, "The pigeon died. Mama did not die, and Papa did not die. I also didn't die." 

He remembers who gave him gifts. Even months later, he'll pick up a toy and say who gave it to him.

He understands big and small, up and down, light and dark, inside and outside, loud and quiet, near and far, old and fresh/new, and right and left. 

He adores his cousins, who are 3 and 6 years old. He asks about them all the time and loves spending time with them.

He sleeps in his own bed and room. His father reads him three books at bedtime and then he gets a bottle. Lately he prefers to have me put him to sleep, and my right arm always has to be naked so that he can stroke it while he falls asleep. Sometimes he doesn't say a word at bedtime, and other times he goes on and on about his day. 

Some funny things he has said lately:

About a mean-looking jack-o-lantern we saw on a walk: "That pumpkin is scolding us!"

About his uncle's cast after he broke his arm: "You have a huge band-aide on!"

About his babysitter's hair when she arrived with her hair up for the first time: "Tina, you have a new haircut!"

To me yesterday: "I'm very big, Mama. I'm already as big as you! You're very small." 

To a woman who was walking her pug: "Where is your second dog?" This is funny because almost everyone we know has two dogs, so he seems to think dogs only come in twos!

About a bald man jogging by: "That man is wearing a helmet." 

Rafael's father told him he had to head to the office. Rafael said he wants to go too. His father said, "You would be very bored there, I just sit at a computer." Now Rafael says often to me, "Papa is at the office, sitting." 

Yesterday at the zoo, there was an announcement saying "Attention, little Tim is looking for his father. He can be picked up at the information booth." Rafael was very concerned and kept saying to me, "The father is lost! The child lost his father!" I had to tell him again and again that everything was fine, and the boy had found his 'lost' father again.

Raffi's favorite thing to do in the evenings is crank up the heaters in his room and then run around naked until bath time.

Every time he hurts himself, he demands a band-aide, even if he isn't bleeding. And when he gets upset and cries about something, he says he wants to lay down and sleep.

He asks a million questions, especially about what we just did, or what we are about to do. He makes me repeat very often who we saw, where we were, what we did, what happened. Or where we are going, who will be there, what we will do there. Sometimes it can be exhausting how many questions he asks!

I am sure after hitting 'publish' I will remember many more things that this boy says and does. I am glad I finally recorded a few of them...I know I will be so grateful later, looking back, remembering this point in time. 

xoxoxo Love from a very proud Mommy.

Simple Happy Things

Simple, happy things: 

- Chewy homemade Oreo brownies under a glass dome, surrounded by pumpkins and pressed leaves

- Walks in the autumn woods with friends and family

- A friend's gift of farm-fresh apples, packaged in a simple brown box

- Rafael snacking spicy lebkuchen cookies and milk at the kitchen counter

- Bright leaves falling everywhere, covering everything

- Sweet carrots from the farmer's market, scrubbed clean and served with hummus in an old teacup

- My two-year-old son, immersed for hours in nature

- Kiki catching leaves mid-flight in the air, and chasing them on windy days

- The loving bond between Raffi and his cousins

- Peeking in on my little boy napping, cuddled into his cowboy bedding

I have been taking so many photos lately that I can hardly keep up with the photoshop editing and blogging. So much beauty out in the woods....if Rafael didn't have to nap in the middle of the day we would be in the forest from dawn til dusk! 

xoxoxo

At Home

Considering all of the nature photos on this blog, it would seem we live in the forest. But we actually do spend a lot of time in our cozy little home. 

Here are a few photos I took today, walking around our place. 

Chestnuts, acorns, and other things Rafael and I have found on our walks, along with a tiny white pumpkin that an elderly lady gave Raffi from her garden. He plays with it a lot....he loves his little pumpkin. So it's a bit scraggly already. Maybe you noticed the little beech flower with the white felt ball...my mother-in-law made it, and I find it so so sweet.

Some of my favorite books, which I use to press leaves...

Raffi has some of his fall books on display in his room. His favorite right now is Happy Halloween Curious George. I gave it to him so that he might understand Halloween when we celebrate it this year.

This boy adores children's books and magazines. Here he is this morning, during one of his reading marathons. Sometimes he is in his room looking at his books and magazines for over an hour.

Rafael has a lantern, a rabbit-shaped night light, and this little Winnie the Pooh flashlight. Because it is getting dark so early, we like having little lights that we take with us on evening walks. I think it's especially important to create little traditions for cold weather and short-days. Lighting candles at dinner, turning up the heaters before bath time, taking a thermos of hot cocoa or tea on walks.

Tiny baby-boo pumpkins and a handmade autumn garland from a generous and thoughtful friend. 

And of course many, many pumpkins, in all shapes and colors. I seem to bring one home ever day in fall.

I try my best to make this brand-new apartment feel like an old house with character. One fortunate factor is that we have the corner apartment, nestled into the woods, with a river bending around one side. Of course I dream of some day owning an old renovated farmhouse, with lots of history and charm. But for now, I am grateful to have our warm, safe home, which we have filled with love and our own stories, day by day. 

xoxoxoxo