Between The Rain

After an incredibly long, cold winter, we are now having a long, cold, rainy spring. Everyone complains about the weather. In truth, though, the only thing you can do is rush outside the moment the rain stops, bundled up in your autumn attire, and enjoy every bit of sunshine and fresh air you can get. Rafael digs in the dirt, sifts through stones, blows bubbles, and kicks his soccor ball around the wet lawn until his sneakers are soaked through. I bring him hot chocolate and sip mugs of tea while he watches the children scurry and shout in the playground beside our yard. It's actually his favorite thing to do at the moment: watch other children play. It keeps him occupied for long stretches of time. 

My life, friends....is full of good fortune, but also, lately, hardship. Maybe that's why I don't write here often. It's a strange tightrope bloggers walk. Sharing of themselves, but not too much. Keeping some intimate things private. At least, that's how I feel about it. 

In some way, I wish I could write about it all, because writing has always helped me clarify my own thoughts and feelings. Also because I know that many of you would be able to relate, and then we might feel a little less alone in our struggles. We could hold hands and exchange words of comfort and support.

But, everything published here is so permanent. I remember going through a storage box and finding my journals from highschool, and rolling my eyes while reading them, thinking what a silly girl I was back then. I wouldn't want my highschool journals published, and I don't think I want the gritty details of my life now published here, either.

I can however tell you that, through a series of recent events, I have realized I am a person filled with fear of so many, many things. Fear of making irreparable mistakes. Fear of small spaces. Fear of ending up a struggling single mother. Fear of driving. Fear of making a fool of myself. Fear of betrayal. Fear of failing to be the mother my son needs and deserves. Fear of finding out that everything I believe is a lie. Fear of not living up to my potential. Of spending my old age filled with regret.

All of these fears are deeply-rooted and most of the time they dwell unseen in the dark, and manifest themselves in bouts of defensiveness and nervousness. These fears effect my daily life, and my relationships. 

It's easy to make big statements and promises to yourself about not letting fear rule your life. But a lot of the time, you only realize you were acting out of fear after the situation has passed. 

Something else I want to tell you is that, taking yourself (and what you know about yourself) seriously is important. Recently someone laughed off my in-flight panic attack, and it made me think quite a while about how different we all are, with our strengths and weaknesses...with our baggage. Yes, there are other people who can do many things without an ounce of fear that would have me paralyzed with fear. Some things which feel impossible to me come easily to others. I have a unique history, the story of my life with all of it's pain and beauty is embedded within, and it has formed who I am today. I can accept some things, want to change others, and discover even more about myself along the way. But what I know I will do from now on is honor who I am, including all of my faults and weaknesses, and try not to compare myself to others. 

xoxoxo

A Farm in Odenwald

Rafael and I took a journey to the lovely countryside in the neighboring country Germany. We stayed with my father and his family in an area called Odenwald, where they have renovated a small farmhouse. Raffi spent the days there wandering between tractors, horses, kittens and cows. The air was so clear, and the forests and grasses lush and green. I was surprised by how dark and quiet the nights are in the countryside. It was very cold for the time of year, and rained almost every day. But the landscape was beautiful, and it was good to spend time with family. 

Traveling alone with a toddler was difficult for me, even though he was very well behaved and patient. I had a panic attack on the flight there, and broke out into cold sweats dealing with luggage, car seat, baby, schedule, crowds, long airport halls....

I don't want to frighten anyone who is planning on traveling with their child alone. But many people told me it would be easy, and I want to be honest and tell you it wasn't, not for me. Rafael handled it all very well, only screaming and crying a little bit on the plane, but for me it was incredibly exhausting and overwhelming. I suppose I won't be doing it again until he is older. I am still glad I tried it, though. Because now I know, and I can say with confidence that it is not something I want to repeat. 

Having a home you love and miss is so fortunate. It seems that every time I take a trip, I lie awake at night seeing my home and my life from the outside, thinking of all the things I love, and realizing all the things I want to change. I decided that I want to hang up more photos and art in our home; that I want to build on to our terrace and turn it into a little walled garden; and that I want to start buying bouquets for our rooms again. You see, I've been fantasizing about buying a house lately, and now I decided I need to stop that, and begin putting more energy into the wonderful home we already have. 

When we got back, I spent the first few hours milling happily around, cleaning, unpacking, watering plants, putting this here and that there, settling back into HOME. The next day I bought two large bouquets at the farmer's market, and burned a candle at dinner time. I also bought two tins of luxurious Kusmi Tea, which not only tastes delicious, but fill your kitchen with it's sweet, warm fragrance while it seeps. I felt so cozy and content that I took a photo of our living room, adoring all the little details that make it mine.

The world is so big and beautiful; if you are lucky you can enjoy all of it's splendor and adventure. And if you are even more lucky, you have a safe, warm, comfortable home that you love and adore to come back to afterwards.

xoxo

Toads and Other Spring Adventures

Sunday hike. Raffi was very proud to be wearing his own backpack. (Thank you for the awesome little ladybug backpack, Morwenna!)

Our destination on that fine, sunny day.

Some leaves were moving in a corner of the playground. When I lifted them, I found these mating toads. First time I've seen this. Glad I had my camera!

Frog eggs. Laid in the same tiny pond every year. Nature's calendar.

Wild chives growing on the side of the hiking trail. Raffi tasting lungwort blossoms.

Exploring a big, magnificent playground in Tulln.

Peek-A-Boo! Hello, Spring!

This season is renewing my gratitude for a life in the countryside. I am so grateful to be able to share all of these tiny wonders with my son. 

Today we wandered around the woods, birds singing, warm breezes. Raffi threw stones down the side of the hill and picked flowers; stomped in shallow puddles and watched a furry caterpillar crawl in the palm of my hand. It feels like the ultimate luxury to walk down a sunny forest path aimlessly, with little snacks and a bottle of water, and tree stumps to rest on. My heart is so happy when I think that we have many more such days ahead!

xoxoxo

P.S. The frog eggs in the same pond in past years here, and here.

A String Of Perfect Moments

Friends: February and March were incredibly difficult months for me. The worst since the loss of our first baby.  

So this current string of perfect moments and days has come as a complete surprise. 

Rafael is one-and-a-half now, and this is funnest I have ever had with him. His character has blossomed, and every morning I wake up excited about the day ahead. 

The most wonderful part of life right now is the realization that Rafael loves nature as much as I do. Now that it is warmer, we spend many hours outdoors, and while I snap photos and the dogs sniff and prance around the path, Raffi clamors onto tree stumps, lets little stones sift through his fingers, jabs at bushes with sticks, and asks me what everything is called. 

It's incredible how much joy we both get out of discovering caterpillars, bugs, and salamanders. The fact that he crouches close and listens intently when I show him a wild herb or flower makes my heart burst. He now knows and identifies wild ramsons, liverwort, and anemones. When I tell him we are heading into the woods, he asks, "Lungenkraut? Salamander? Baerlauch?" ("Lungwort? Salamander? Ramsons?") And I say "Yes!"

I don't know why his enthusiasm for nature surprises me but it does. Since he is verbally advanced for his age, it's added fun to hear him say the names of wild plants and critters. And then I start imagining what the years ahead will be like....having my little companion with me, pointing out plants and animals. Collecting fallen nests, feathers, berries, heart-shaped stones, acorns and wild edibles.

When Rafael was between 15 and 17 months of age, every day was incredibly exhausting and being a parent just felt like WORK. Now, each day feels like PLAY, and we are having so much fun.

Isn't it amazing how life gives you ups and downs? Gives gifts and takes away? How you can feel like you are drowning one moment, like your life is upside down and you don't even know who you are or where you belong....and you wonder how long this pain and upheaval will last (you feel like it will last forever). And then one day you realize, you are OK again, you can breath again, your feet are planted firmly on the ground and your heart isn't aching anymore.

Spring, and my little boy, are helping me smile.

xoxoxo

Cold Spring

Happy Spring everyone! We are still covered in blankets of snow here in the Austrian countryside. It's been such a long, long winter. You all know I love the seasons, but I have had quite enough of being cold. The first wild ramsons sprouted during a row of warm days, but are now covered in snow again. Rafael and the dogs enjoy playing in snowdrifts, so I try to find joy in watching their enthusiasm. 

We are struggling a bit with the time change. Isn't it something we would all be better off without? 

So many trees were cut along our favorite way in the woods. I know they only do it when it's necessary, and the stacks of branches and logs flanking the path look beautiful, but I still mourn for the trees and wonder if any critters lost their homes.

I hope spring is blossoming wherever you are! And that it will shine it's bright colors and sunshine on us soon.

xoxoxo

March

March is brown and green and purple, and brings with it the most humble beginnings. If you don't walk with your eyes to the ground, you will miss the first wild anemones and tiny shoots of green. 

I can't tell you what a relief it was for me to finally go deep into nature again, with my camera, my boy, and my dogs. We were very sick for quite a while, and the walls were closing in on us. Fresh air, things to explore, and movement did wonders for us all. 

Walking outside is what Rafael enjoys now more than anything else. If it were up to him, we would only come indoors for a quick snack and then head back out. He picks up sticks, stones, and leaves. He stomps in puddles and plops down in muddy ditches. This little boy loves nature as much as I do.

The little badger is a toy that Rafael took with him on our walk. It looked so cute in the patch of moss, I just had to take a picture.

Hoping you are all enjoying the first signs of spring!

xoxo

Raffi's Outdoor Bathing Fun

These were taken on an especially beautiful, hot May day by my friend Neli. Thank you, Neli! We were visiting her and her little boy Tobi, and she invited Rafael to take a little bath in her garden after he smeared himself all over with banana. He loved splashing around in the sun so much!

When his hair gets wet it springs adorable little curls. And I love this last shot where you can see his two precious teeth! 

Enjoy your weekend, and Happy Mother's Day to all of you dedicated, loving mamas out there!

xoxo

Our Spring Home

I thought you might enjoy a glimpse of our home in it's Spring dress. For me, the Spring interior is about keeping the decor sparse, but with lots of plants and flowers indoors and out.

On the terrace I have begun a collection of potted plants: basil, strawberries, tomatoes, and roses. I've sown some seeds and hope they will sprout soon; pumpkins large and small (to climb the wire fence), cosmos, knee-high sunflowers, and poppies.

As you can see, the trees have burst into green this past week; looking out of our windows, it feels like we are living in a tree house. It is so beautiful!

I've also shared a peek into Rafael's kingdom. His library in the hallway was made with plate shelves, and the 'poster' above them is actually a piece of wrapping paper. So much cheaper than a real poster and just as fun and pretty! Then there are a couple of shelves in his room with tiny alphabet bunting, stuffed animals, and a handmade polka-dot elephant head. Another favorite detail: the tiny blue rabbit head with a little bow tie. Can you see it?

The dogs have been so tiring lately, especially Kiki (do they look like they've been scolded in that one photo?). I don't know if it's because they aren't getting my full attention anymore, but they don't listen and do all sorts of naughty things on our walks. I get so frustrated sometimes. It's not easy having a baby and two dogs. Not to mention that they give me so much more to clean with all the dirt and bits of sticks and leaves they drag in with them. Will it get easier? I hope so.

Wishing you all a lovely weekend!

xoxoxo