In-All-Honesty Christmas List

Christmas is about love. About light, friendship, family, celebrations and gatherings. It's also about gifts. And while I have been busy finding gifts for those I love, I also let my mind wander into fantasy land, and thought, What does my Christmas wish list look like? And here it is, my list of lists; things I LOVE. Just for the fun of it. :)

1. retro bicycle::chubby's one stop cruiser 2. handmade linen flowers::emersonmade 3. priscilla ahn::Good Day 4. stand mixer::Kitchenaid 5. day planner::momAgenda 6. acorn necklace::CeriseUK 7. cupcake tower::Martha Stewart 8. maran chickens 9. maple candy::maple grove farms 10. espresso machine::ascaso dream 

What's on your dream Christmas wish list?

xo

Snow Transforms

“In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in an clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth."

-Mahatma Gandhi

blog party invitation

Join the fun!

On Friday, December 18th, post a blog entry about Christmas joy and what it means to you.

Be sure to visit other participating blogger friends for this Christmas-spirited celebration!

for more details visit the gracious hostesses at scattering lupines or shells & bells, flowers & showers.

(be sure to post an invitation on your blog to invite your readers!)

see you there!

new hat from folksy

This came in the mail yesterday. Handmade and very cute; cheers up any outfit. And I need cheering today. This and many other crocheted items can be found at the Hats and More shop on folksy which is the UK version of etsy. 

Now I am going to tackle the gingerbread dough and try to forget about this emptiness and frustration. How I wish things had turned out differently.............how I wish I was carrying my baby inside of me this Christmas. Hmmmm....let's hope rolling out cookie dough proves therapeutic.

XO love you all.

On A Wintry Day

"Only in the winter, in the country, can you have longer, quiet stretches when you can savor belonging to yourself.  ~Ruth Stout

began the baking process today. dough is chilling in the fridge. it was a sweet, sticky job working with all that molasses and golden syrup. brown finger prints all over the sink and cupboards! hearts, stars, and men stand ready for cutting. was invited for dinner but i said NO, i'm baking cookies. i do have my priorities.

went to the local flower shop and came home with an armload of flowers, pinecones, a wreath, and ornaments. now the place is merry and bright indeed!

i made those two evergreen boughs that are hanging on either side of the mirror last night with clippings from the christmas tree. it was a flurry of branches and ribbons. i love the result!

purchased a few new tree ornaments; we buy two or three nice pieces a year to lend some luxury to the regular glass balls. aren't these beautiful?

this is the wreath which now welcomes guests (and hubby) at the door

AND...i found this for you to admire; how cute is that?! i wish we had williams-sonoma here. alas.

the christmas spirit is alive and well here in our home. what a blessing.

xo

O Christmas Tree!

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” -Robert Brault

I'm telling myself again and again now: Enjoy the little things. Take note of the splashes of beauty that surround you. Breath. Thank your heart for beating unfailingly and without effort. Thank God that you have this warm home and these caring people in your life. Thank God for making optimism your true nature, and planting within you the seed of FAITH.

We awoke to snow flakes falling yesterday and I cooked up a big, hearty breakfast. We were gathering our strength for the mission ahead: Mission Christmas Tree. The lot is a five minute walk away from our home. Ten minutes when your husband is carrying a humongous evergreen. Our tree was hidden, and perfect. Tall, just bushy enough, with even branches. Yes. This was our fella!

theres our fella::pay the nice guy in the funny hat::get ready for the way home::satisfied customer

my hubby=my christmas hero

get the netting off::stand back and admire::string up the lights::get out the ornaments

he's feeling at home, our happy christmas tree

an austrian tradition: chocolates filled with sweet liquor wrapped in bright foil to hang from the boughs

newest addition to the ornament collection: a cavalier king charles spaniel, hand painted, purchased during our autumn trip to falmouth, cape cod

used the trimmings of the tree to pretty-up this candle display; the place smells gorgeous now

there he stands, beautifully decked, proud and pretty, our cheerful christmas tree.

There is hope and beauty and goodness to be found, often in the simplest places. And what a surprise it has been to receive so much love and support from this community! 

You know, when I got pregnant, I thought I should keep it to myself for a while. But when I miscarried, and began sharing this difficult time with you all, I realized I was wrong...THIS, of all places, is where I can open my heart and speak my truth. With you. And that is amazing, and precious, and so completely unexpected. This place has become so very very tender and special for me. Thank you all so much. 

A warm hug for you all on this snowy Sunday....I'm hoping to spend it making gingerbread cookies.

God, Give Me Strength...

our last day with baby blueberry...happy family hug

As most of you know, my sister-in-law got pregnant 3 weeks before me; she now has a sweet hard little belly poking out, and a baby growing inside of her. My belly is empty. 

Today it's raining cats and dogs; my sister-in-law called, I told her I had a sweater I had to return, she offered to drive with me to the mall, we could run errands together. I knew it would be hard to see her, especially her belly....but I didn't know just how hard. No matter what we were doing, or what we were talking about, I couldn't stop thinking about that belly; about the baby growing inside; about my baby blueberry, who I will never hold in my arms. About next summer, when my niece or nephew will be born. About how I thought my first child would be born soon afterwards, and the two would play together. About how her baby stayed, and my baby left. 

Now I am finally home and my tears can run. I can't fully express in words how much this hurts. How lost I feel, and how much I miss the feeling of carrying my little one inside of me. How I am so filled with fear that it will take a long, long time before I am blessed with a living, breathing baby. How I am afraid of watching my sister-in-laws belly grow and grow. How I am terrified of July.  

What I long for most is to change my role. If my life were a book, my role right now would be 'mother who lost a baby.' I would give anything to change my role to 'mother who lost a baby, got pregnant again, and gave birth to a baby.' I would give anything to feel my life moving forward, moving in the direction that I have longed for, moving towards motherhood. 

What do you do in-between? What do you do while the clock is still ticking but you feel locked in a time in your life that you wish would just dissolve?

I know the healing virtues of gratitude and faith. God, give me strength. Give me a grateful heart; a heart empowered by faith.