Monday, December 13, 2010
there is also green in december
Snow has melted and then hardened again into boils and humps of slick, slippery ice, and you have to be careful taking walks now. I took advantage of the fact that we were walking very slowly down the dirt road that winds through the woods to survey the base of the hillside for nature treasures. I found so many lovely little things: seeds, pods, moss, fungi, and a little heart-shaped stone.
As I walked gingerly along the icy way, seeing the frozen moss and cold folded leaves of oxalis, I thought about how plants and growth halt in winter. I thought, All our dreams and creativity wait like seeds within us. Ignoring them or not believing in them is like covering them with snow and ice, freezing those dreams into dormancy. And contemplating them, believing in them, taking action towards realizing them, is like shining sun and showering rain on them. I wondered how many seeds of creativity are waiting, dormant, for me to see them and nurture them into existance.
When I got home, nose and fingertips frozen, I arranged my finds carefully in the beautiful hand-carved harvest bowl I love so much. The fallen bird's nest was a find from a couple weeks ago and it completed the collection of tiny nature treasures for December.
After I took this photo, I placed the little bits and pieces into the nest, and admired the few but beautiful things of December. They looked like a little rainbow.
Thank you for words which were like warm embraces yesterday. I considered deleting that post numerous times, simply because it is so painful to read and remember. This past weekend, and even today, I have been drawn back into that fog of grieving which dampens all the other sounds and experiences. It lowers my energy, isolates me. I have been living in that fog on and off since losing our baby. Sometimes I realize I am lost for hours in thoughts or wishing or daydreaming, and don't feel completely here. I truly want to become more present, more productive, and live in constant gratitude instead of feeling unfulfilled.
Thank you all so much for always being here, wrapping me in your kindness and love.