January and February

The first month of the year came and went in the blink of an eye. So many changes and new routines. Rafael began going to daycare two mornings a week and is getting settled in. I started waking up while it was still dark and the icy streets were empty to jog with the dogs. My husband's work year started up once again. Things felt fresh and full of good intentions.

My birthday was celebrated with a small but spectacular chocolate cake. I asked my husband to bring home flowers to decorate it, and he brought a big bouquet of roses. I ended up putting them in a vase and only using a cloud of baby breath on top of the frosting. I loved the simple look, paired with tall, thin candles. Friends and family came for the afternoon, it was a noisy bunch, toddlers running in and out of rooms, laughter and conversation. A friend made me a lovely little paintbrush organizer. My husband gave me a new wide lens for my camera. 

A couple of weeks ago Rafael got sick and I spent one of those terrible weeks stuck indoors with him. We watched lots of dvds, read hundreds of books, rolled out play-doh and lay out train tracks. He got amazingly good at doing puzzles. There were of course nice moments, but I have to admit that when he is sick I get depressed and my nerves are frazzled. Our whole rhythm is destroyed, and we are trapped inside these rooms with no break for days on end. I dream of going back to our regular daily routine, meeting with friends, going into the woods, even just going to the grocery store. In the end Rafael always seems a bit taller, and wiser. And I always think, "Why can't I just be more patient and serene?" 

Lately, when I get angry, and then Rafael and I make up again, he asks, "Are we best friends again?" And I melt and say, "Of course, we are always best friends, even when I'm angry." 

In my spare time I have been organizing my photographs and designing a logo and blog for my future small photography business. I will be offering child, family, and adult portraits. I'm feeling excited, mixed with fear and insecurity....can I do this? Will I be good at this? Will customers be satisfied? Am I capable of making smart business decisions? I try to put these questions in the back of my mind and don't let them slow me down.

Another important thing going on in my life right now is that, 11 days ago, I began Jamie Eason's LiveFit 12 week trainer program, and I'm already seeing and feeling results. It's mostly a mental challenge for me, sticking to the diet and getting my exhausted self to the gym. But the positive benefits are keeping me motivated. I don't want to look at old photos of the great figure I used to have with a sad feeling anymore...I want to look in the mirror and feel great about what I see. I also want to prove to myself that I can do this. It's not easy...if it was easy, everyone would do it. Sometimes I think, "What am I doing? Every-day-stuff is hard enough without adding all this meal preparation and training to the picture. Who cares if I'm out of shape. I'm a mom." My body is much stronger than my mind. My body if capable of so much. It's my mind that causes problems! I can't tell you how often I go on Instagram and look at motivating photos of fit moms, just to get myself to put on my gym clothes and go there. 

So that's what's been going on around here. I hope to blog again soon!

xoxoxo

Christmas

I hope you're all enjoying the holidays. 

Things are very different with my husband home. Rafael is so excited to play and spend time with his father, and he usually pushes me away when I want to join saying, "No Mama, not you. Go away." I don't take it personal, or at least I try not to. I know he is making up for all the many many days his father was away or distracted this past year. Those two have a lot of catching up and bonding to do. 

This was the first Christmas where Rafael was aware of what was going on, so it was a lot of fun to get into all the magic making. Putting out cookies and a letter for Santa, wondering with Raffi what he would get, then clapping and saying 'Hurrah!' when there were gifts under the tree Christmas morning. Santa brought Raffi a big wooden Noah's Ark, and he has been playing with it for hours every day since, putting the animals in and out, and looking for the Mamas of the baby animals, reuniting them. "Where are you Mama Sheep? There is your Mama, little baby sheep. Now you can go in the boat with her."

I do sense that Rafael is going through a difficult period. He is very whiny and resistant to almost everything. He hates going on morning walks, which means that every day begins with a struggle. We try to mix things up, bring toys and tools along, go on new paths, pack a picnic. But he's not having it. He gets specific ideas in his head and when they don't happen he has major melt downs. We are doing that balancing act of trying to avoid freak-outs, but also trying to avoid raising a tyrant. It's tough. 

Still, at the end of the day, with our feet up on the coffe table and our nerves slowly easing, we look at each other and say, "Now that he's sleeping, I miss him." "He's so incredibly cute." "Remember when he said this and and did that?" 

Thanks for all of your input regarding my inner dialogue about parenting and the future. I really appreciate it.

xoxoxo

Warm Ovens and Cold Mornings

I've been keeping the kitchen warm with baking. The last pumpkin pie has been finished off and now we're on to more Christmasy things like gingerbread cutouts, buttery lemon rounds, almond anise cookies, and a few dozen meringues, full of dark chocolate chunks. 

We've been having frosty, ice cold mornings. I took a backpack with me on a recent walk through the woods and gathered larch cones and pine branches to decorate our home for the holidays. Paired with simple white candles they make the most humble, beautiful arrangements. 

Now, when the branches are bare, I spot so many woodpecker holes and squirrel nests . From Rafael's room we can also look out the window and watch ravens in the tree outside, cawing, wiping their beaks on the branches, and sometimes looking back at us. So many of the other creatures are burrowed away now, hiding from the cold, and it is kind of nature to give us the open sky and naked trees in winter, that we may observe the birds so closely, who are mostly hidden by green foliage in the warmer seasons. 

The days, though short in terms of light, feel very long. Rafael is going through a difficult phase, seeming dissatisfied and irritated much of the time. Maybe we are alone too much. Maybe he should be with other children more often. I wonder if he is bored. Our walks in the woods are so much shorter now that it is cold, and then we are left with a lot of time at home, and although we have Play-Doh, crayons, Playmobil and puzzles, Raffi appears to have lost some interest in playing with these things. I ask him if he'd like to bake cookies or read a book, and he just seems annoyed with everything I suggest. I ask myself: Is this a phase? Or do I need to make a change?

On clear, freezing cold nights, walking the dogs down the quiet neighborhood streets, the stars pierce the darkness, and I get that strange feeling in my stomach that I always get when I look up at the night sky. There is something about seeing that open space, feeling so small under it's gigantic darkness, which both frightens and fascinates me. Seeing the stars, knowing they aren't just tiny lights but actual physical things that I could touch and walk on if I was close enough...

I also get that strange feeling in my stomach when I see airplanes soaring through the sky. I always wonder: where is it headed? Who is inside? What are the stories and dreams and hopes and disappointments and fates of all those passengers? And then my stomach starts feeling funny, and I think: to those people in the plane, looking down, I am just an insignificant dot. 

xoxoxo

Rafael's Second Birthday!

(( Good morning birthday boy! Here's Raffi and I, still in our pajamas, opening his first gifts ))

(( Here's Raffi eating his favorite breakfast, his Dad's oatmeal pancakes with butter and maple syrup ))

(( Let the party begin! ))

Yesterday we celebrated Rafael's second birthday. We kept everything very simple, just snacks, cake, and balloons, and it was wonderful. Raffi had so much fun with his friends and family. In fact, this morning, when I asked how he had enjoyed his birthday party, he answered, "More birthday!"

I made a delicious chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, and also a little smash cake just for Rafael, like I did last year. 

These photos don't really show the whirlwind of fun and play that was going on, but only because Ramon and I were so busy hosting and keeping Rafael in check that it was hard to take photographs. 

So, this is the end of another amazing year getting to know and love my son even more. And the beginning of another! I feel so incredibly fortunate to be Rafael's mother. How did I get so so so so lucky?!

xoxoxo

Nikolo

Yesterday my friend Daniela came and visited with her little daughter. She said, "Nikolo stopped by our home and brought this for you." She handed me a package in brown paper. Inside, tucked in a can, was a glowing apple, a fragrant tangerine, a heart-shaped lebkuchen cookie, and some peanuts. Something about the simplicity of this gift touched me deeply. Many people these days give other gifts on Nikolo...toys, books, candy. But my friend filled that can with the things that Saint Nikolaus originally gave, and I promised myself then and there that Rafael will also receive this traditional mix each year on December sixth...in his little boot placed in front of the door the night before. 

Rafael ate that mandarin happily with sticky juice running down his chin and fingers. 

And I ate the cookie.

xoxo

Rafael's First Birthday Party!

Thank you all so much for your lovely birthday greetings! 

We celebrated on Sunday, with Raffi's friends and family members. It was gorgeous weather....sunny and crisp. Perfect! The theme for the party was woodland animals and autumn. There was chocolate cake (and a little smash cake for Rafael that he loved), a blow up pool with colorful balls to play with, thoughtful gifts, party favors tucked into handmade acorns and moss, and poached apples for the babies to enjoy. Sunflowers, pumpkins, wreaths of dried flowers, and benches on the terrace made comfy with pillows and quilts. 

I had planned on serving cream of mushroom soup and warm roast vegetable salad, but learned the hard way that you can't plan much when you have a toddler. He screamed and cried all morning, while I tried to clean and decorate. I almost cancelled the whole thing. But as soon as the first guests arrived, he turned into a cheerful, sunny boy. Thank goodness!

Nights have been rough, and the days are a mix of clapping and calling out 'BRAVO!' when Rafael stands on his own, and pure exhaustion because Raffi refuses to nap. But Ramon and I agree that he has never been as fun as he is now! He says so many things: 'hat,' 'up,' 'nein' ('no'), 'auto' ('car'), 'Papa,' 'Mama,' 'Oma' ('grandma'); and a bunch of animal sounds; and the most exciting thing is, if you ask him 'Where is Rafael,' he points at himself! 

I know I should do a proper update, and I will soon. But I am so incredibly tired right now.....I'm headed off to bed!

Thanks again for all of your sweet words!

xoxo

Rafael Turns 6 Months!

We celebrated Rafael's 1/2 birthday this Friday! I strung up paper bunting, and baked a delicious Black Magic cake. Ramon made a big bowl of pasta salad, and plates of little finger sandwiches. There were colorful bright tulips and sweet-smelling hyacinth. Plump babies being bounced by loving mommies, and daddies talking about computers and sports. Laughter and smiles between friends and family.

But mostly....my mind kept going back to the thought, that I have been blessed so immensely to be holding this boy in my arms. To have been given six amazing, transforming months with this tiny, growing, curious, innocent, beautiful person, who looks at me with so much love and admiration that it makes my heart race.

Every day with my boy is sprinkled with so many instances of pure love. And it is my greatest hope that I am given the gift of many, many more!

Thank you God, Universe, The Powers That Be, for the most amazing blessing in my life.

xoxo

Rafael's Half-Year Party Invitation

Rafael is turning 6 months next week. I can't help but want to celebrate his health, growth, and existance with a little party!

It will be small and sweet with a few other mommies and babies, maybe even some daddies.

TGIF! Have a wonderful weekend, friends!

xoxoxo

A Perfect Heart Full Of Joy And Gratitude

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

31-My Worst and Best Birthday

Here I am, today, 31 years old plus one day.

Yesterday it was my birthday and nothing much happened. No party, no guests, not even a cake. I actually had a pretty horrible day. 

At some point I sat (more like curled up in a ball) on Rafael's reading nook, and felt like crying. Then I saw Raffi playing with his baby gym, and it hit me: This is my worst, and best birthday. Because even though I felt alone and somewhat unloved, it was my first birthday with Rafael in my life. And that is the greatest blessing ever.

In the evening Ramon came home from work with a huge bouquet of roses. After telling him that my day had been a big disappointment, we decided that Saturday would be my birthday instead. 

So today, he made me a french toast breakfast. We took a lovely walk in the snowy forest. We enjoyed the day with our funny little man and our crazy dogs. It was great.

I would love to know....now that you are an adult, how do you celebrate your birthday? Do you plan something yourself? Does someone (your partner, a best friend) plan something for you? Do you stay in? Do you go out? 

Thank you as always for your friendship and good company. Here's to another year in my blessed life. And it is...truly...blessed.

xoxo

Rafael's First Christmas

My favorite thing about our Christmas celebration this year was that, everyone was in perfect harmony with each other. The peace between us was so palpable, and our joy so real. What a blessing!

Ramon cooked most of our delicious feast: two roasted chickens, the annual traditional carrot souffle, mushroom gravy, and two apple pies. I made a beet root, orange, and roasted walnut salad, and my sister in law brought dumplings. I was so proud of Ramon, who only learned how to cook in the past four months, and is astonishingly good at it.

Rafael slept through the all the festivities, which I thought was pretty funny. It was as if he knew it would have all been too much for him. As everyone was putting on their shoes and coats to leave, I heard him rustling in the bedroom and there he was, ready to say a quick hello and goodbye to our guests. It was actually so perfect this way, because I was able to enjoy our meal and gift giving, and we were both stress-free.

The most important thing was that he got to see his great grandmother, and that I got a few photographs of them together. I am glad that he will see them someday, when she is gone, and he doesn't remember.

Once the last person shut the door behind them, our home was still and warm and we let out sighs and relaxed. I put Raffi into some reindeer pajamas and we opened his gifts with him. Holding my chubby little angel, sitting by the twinkling Christmas tree, whispering to him about Santa, unwrapping a little wooden carousel and a vintage race car....it was all such a dream come true.

It was a very special Christmas, indeed. Probably the most special of all.

xoxo