What You Have the Courage to Ask For

It's been an amazing summer so far, with a trip to the Salzburg mountains and so many sweet, simple moments with my son. We've had a wonderful mix of rain and heat, and the woods are already sprouting mushrooms that normally don't start appearing until July. Lately I've been experiencing instances where I am doing some little task, and find myself feeling just fine, which is a foreign sensation since my Mom died. I still have overwhelming waves of grief wash over me and shake my entire being. But more and more often, I have those realiziations that I am OK, things are good. Things would be better, and different, if I still had my Mom to talk to, and hug, and make new memories with. But this is how things are. It's time to start being OK.

Things have certainly changed quite a bit since I last wrote. At some point early this year, we came to the acceptance that Rafael will be an only child. After long, frustrating periods of trying to conceive, where each month of disappointment slowly poisons your relationship and eats away at your gratitude and joy, we decided stop mourning the absence of a second child and to instead celebrate having our healthy, lovely son. We let go of our picture of how our family would be. And we let go of the notion that we would only be whole and happy if Rafael had a sibling and we had a second child. I got rid of almost all of the baby stuff I had stored, and it was very freeing. We still have times where that longing comes back, and who knows, maybe it will never go away entirely. But the pressure and frustration are gone. They have been replaced by gratitude for my son that gives me butterflies in my stomach when I think about it! It is truly fanstastic having an only child. I would describe it as relaxed, and intimate. 

This realization presented a step that I thought would come much later. I thought I would be a stay-at-home-mom for many years to come, since I expected to have more than one child. But now I was the mother of a four and a half year old who spent the majority of his days in preschool, where his friends were, where he socialized, learned, and played. My work as a mother felt less and less like work, and was evolving into a deep, loving relationship. This is such a wonderful step, but it also became clear that he did not need me like he used to, and that it was time for me to find a job. 

For about a week, I fell into a depressed state. I had no idea what I should do. I am in my mid-thirties, and my life looked different than I thought it would. So what would the new picture be? I began beating myself up. Why hadn't I found what I want to do yet? Why had everything I had tried so far failed? I knew I didn't want to be self-employed, but I also didn't want to sit at a cashier or wait tables. There are so many creative things I love, but I didn't want to be a struggling artist. I wanted a stable job where I could be creative, where I wouldn't get bored. Something I would want to do for at least the next 30 years of my life.

But what could that be?

So there I was, feeling sorry for myself, when I started thinking about how I feel every time I bring Rafael to preschool, and pick him up. How I feel when his preschool puts on a little play, or celebrates Christmas. How I feel when he brings something home that he crafted, or tells me excitedly about something new he learned there. How I feel when I spend some time in his preschool group, sitting on a tiny chair, watching the children build with blocks or eat their crackers, surrounded by children's voices. What feelings did I get? Happiness. Comfort. Wonder. Fun. I pictured myself in a classroom with children, and immediately felt my heart jump. And suddenly I thought, "I wonder how someone goes about becoming a preschool teacher?" I began researching on the internet, and quickly found out that there was an open-door event taking place just a few days later at the near-by school where you could earn your teaching credentials.

After that open-door day, I knew this was the right thing. There were all sorts of beaurocratic hurdles for me as an ex-pat, but my will to make it happen had me ticking off those tasks one by one, springing over obstacles and heading in the right direction in a driven manner I had never experienced. I passed the qualifying exam with flying colors and am signed up to begin my two-and-a-half year education this September!

Oprah once said, "You get in life what you have the courage to ask for." I am learning to be outrageous and courageous with the things I ask for. I don't want mediocrity, and I don't want my life and creativity to be wasted. I am asking for a life well-lived, full of meaning for my fellow mankind. I am asking for a job that I love. I am asking for a job that is much more significant than a paycheck. A career that feels tailormade, where I learn easily because I am interested in what I am learning. Where my strengths shine, and my weaknesses are just tiny bumps in the road. It takes courage to ask for those things, to ask for your life to be something special.

Needless to say I am full of anticipation and have a whole new reason to look forward to Fall this year. I wonder if you all would be interested in following my journey to becoming a preschool teacher?

xoxoxo Thank you for sticking around and always welcoming me back!

To be so strong

“Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing
can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel
that there is something in them
To look at the sunny side of everything
and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,
and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past
and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
not in loud words but great deeds.
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
so long as you are true to the best that is in you.” 

-Christian D. Larson Your Forces and How to Use Them

Maybe these words will enfold you in their warmth. When I read them I was filled with inspiration, and the strong desire to be true to the best that is in me.

The photos were taken at Annahof, an organic farm we like to visit whenever we get a chance. 

xoxoxo

August

"The afternoon was a lazy afternoon, not hot-lazy when you don't want to move, but leisurely-lazy, when you did only what you wanted and took your time about it." -Hal Borland, Book Of Days

When August rolls around, the sun bakes the dirt path and the air vibrates with the metallic sound of crickets, and we seek shade and cold water to wade in. I start getting that feeling, that longing for fall, mixed with anticipation, which is one of the reasons I love this month. The trees seem weighed down with heat, and send the first little bright speckled leaves down to the ground. They float on the glistening surface of the river, and cluster between water-smoothed rocks along the way. These hot days of insect song and loud engines and bare feet, tired bees and worn moth wings, the stubbly harvested hay fields and children with ice cream dripping down their fists, are so enchanting that I sometimes feel sentimental about them before they end. 

The changing of seasons always gives me butterflies in my stomach. I am reminded of the passing of time, of my mortality, and am overcome with the longing to experience all the beautiful things there are to see and do in the world. I get a strange nervous feeling, the feeling that I am not doing enough, not living enough. I promise myself I will get out more with my camera. And that I will capture as much of the season as I can. 

Rafael fell ill yesterday and we're trapped inside on one of the hottest days of the year. All the windows are closed to keep the heat out. I do long for the shady woods; at this time of year I am on the look-out for the first mushrooms and asters. But right now my little boy needs me, and we will get through these days, and I will have the chance to get out with my camera soon enough.

xoxoxo

Rivers Know This

"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there someday."

-A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Just a quote that made me cry today.

xoxoxo

The Only Corner of the Universe

"The only corner of the universe you can be certain of improving is yourself."

-Huxley

It's funny how, just after writing about not having time to think, I have to admit to my mind being full of thoughts these past couple of days. So much so that I at times feel disconnected to what is going on at home, with Rafael. Winter has always been a time of deep self-reflection for me, and I suppose that is the case even now with a busy toddler. I find myself staring into space, while Raffi chirps and runs around with his toys and plastic containers and books, thinking about the year ahead, about a sibling for Rafael, about how the dogs don't get enough exercise, about how I want to cook better dinners for my husband, about my sister who is expecting her first baby in March, and about how I feel a bit disconnected to my friends at the moment because we all switch off having sick husbands and babies and don't see one another regularly. 

I also think about how it has become increasingly difficult for me to express myself here in the written word. There are so many things I would like to share, but when I am tired at the end of the day, and my brain is scattered, I sit and wonder, What part of my life should I write about, and how can I write it? How will it be received? I never want to sound like I am complaining, but I know that I do. I am living the life of my dreams....all of you who have been reading this blog for a long time know that. So I am letting you know now: I am truly blessed, and know that I have been showered with good fortune. Is it still ok for me to be honest about exhaustion and worries? I always hope you understand.

The snow and ice are so beautiful. We are usually alone in the woods these days. Not many people appreciate the raw beauty of winter. As we walked this morning, me being extra careful not to slip on the icy way, I thought about the salamanders, curled up in the dark underground, and the squirrels, in their balls of leaves and moss up in the tree tops. Animals all around us, but invisible and sleeping. I found deer tracks in the snow, and made a note to bring apple cores and oats tomorrow.

'Til next time....

xoxoxoxo

Once Upon a Winter Day

"To be housebound in the dead of winter is one of the most voluptuous enjoyments that I know, a supreme glorification of the creature comforts; that snuggling down by a roaring fire while the blizzard rages without, that anticipatory planning of warm and heartening dishes, of a special winter edition of the cup that cheers, and to crown it all, the eventual retiring to a cozy bed with a book."
-Barbara Webster, The Green Year


I am thoroughly enjoying the snow now that it is finally here. The bundling up for walks outside...the cozying up with leg warmers and a cup of malty, milky Caro when you come home.

xoxo

A New Path

"Imagine that every thought you have, every word you utter, every deed of yours brings some benefit to the world." -Deepak Chopra, The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire


With this intention, so full of grace and goodness, I begin the new year with you all.

A new path, a fresh start. A time to remember our promises to ourselves, and a time to refresh them. And another row of four beautiful seasons, stretched out ahead, to be explored and celebrated.

Rejoice! We have been given a new year!

xoxo

The Color Of Winter

"The color of springtime is in the flowers; the color of winter is in the imagination."
-Terri Guillemets

The hoarfrost is even thicker today. I hiked up to the hill top, huffing and puffing, Rafael huddled warmly into his carrier as usual. I am so greedy when it comes to photographs. The strong desire to capture beauty with my camera lens gets me itchy and desperate to go out into the world. I don't want to miss anything. Some people collect baseball cards or shoes. I collect images.

I read a quote, "Having a camera does not make you a photographer," and it's true, I'm not a photographer. But I love taking photographs. Love it.

See pictures of today's striking hoarfrost on the phenologist. It was so beautiful that I didn't feel the cold.

xoxo

Days of the Harvest Moon

"Autumn is the eternal corrective. It is ripeness and color and a time of maturity; but it is also breadth, and depth, and distance. What man can stand with autumn on a hilltop and fail to see the span of his world and the meaning of the rolling hills that reach to the far horizon?"
-Hal Borland

These are the days of the Harvest Moon. That name feels so fitting to my current situation...the seed has been planted, has grown to ripeness, nourished and cared for tenderly, and soon, our most precious creation will be welcomed; our son!

The days have been sunny, but rumor has it that tomorrow the weather will turn, and we'll have rain and a chill in the air. On warm days it's hard to imagine there ever being a first frost, or first snow for that matter. And then I remember how impossible green and blossoms seem in the dead of winter. Best to live in the moment, I think.

When we first got Kiki, I was continually overcome with joy and wonder, watching her explore our natural surroundings throughout the seasons, knowing it was all so new for her. We have footage of walking with her in the woods through her first snow. She seemed baffled, excited, confused, curious...it was such a wonderful experience to witness her in that situation. And it makes me giddy, thinking about introducing Rafael to the seasons, to the changes and the rhythms of this beautiful little corner of the world.

The Pursuit Of Happiness Includes Brownies

"Remember to make time for the pursuit of happiness, one of your most important human rights!"
-Susan Branch

It's an overcast day, perfect for baking brownies and watching leaves fly past the kitchen window.

I no longer have that overwhelming feeling of impatience about Rafael's arrival. The closer I get to his due date, the more I feel rested and assured that yes, he will come, and no, I won't be pregnant forever. So I'm pursuing happiness today, like Susan Branch suggested, and that involves licking brownie batter from a wooden spoon.

I discovered this recipe over at the beautiful blog Honey & Jam; it promised gooey, chewy, rich brownies that were easy to make and didn't require bar chocolate. The result is delicious and everything Hannah promised.

Gooey Cocoa Brownies

courtesy of hannah from honey and jam

Makes 16 larger or 25 smaller brownies

10 tablespoons unsalted butter


1 1/4 cups sugar


3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder (natural or Dutch-process)


1/4 teaspoon salt


1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract


2 large eggs, cold


1/2 cup all-purpose flour


2/3 cup walnut or pecan pieces (optional)

Position a rack in the lower third of the oven and preheat the oven to 325°F. 

Line the bottom and sides of an 8×8-inch square baking pan with parchment paper or foil, leaving an overhang on two opposite sides. Combine the butter, sugar, cocoa, and salt in a medium heatproof bowl and microwave for 1:30 minutes (since I don't own a microwave, Hannah suggested I melt the mixture in a bowl over boiling water).

Remove and stir until the butter is melted and the mixture is smooth. Set aside briefly until the mixture is only warm, not hot. It looks fairly gritty at this point, but don’t fret — it smoothes out once the eggs and flour are added. Stir in the vanilla with a wooden spoon. Add the eggs one at a time, stirring vigorously after each one. When the batter looks thick, shiny, and well blended, add the flour and stir until you cannot see it any longer, then beat vigorously for 40 strokes with the wooden spoon or a rubber spatula. Stir in the nuts, if using. 

Spread evenly in the lined pan. Bake until a toothpick plunged into the center emerges slightly moist with batter, 25 to 30 minutes. Let cool completely on a rack. Lift up the ends of the parchment or foil liner, and transfer the brownies to a cutting board.

Cut into 16 or 25 squares.

I've been pretty good about eating healthily and staying active throughout pregnancy; up until now I resisted the many times I've longed to bake batches of cookies or tins of pies. But now, nearing the end, I can feel this need to pamper myself, to take it easy, and to thoroughly enjoy these last days of pregnancy. 

I am including the picture below, taken this morning while waiting for the brownies to cool, to remind myself later of the incredible size my belly expanded to...and the incredible things my body is capable of. I know some day I'll look at this photo in disbelief!

No wonder my back hurts....