Sunday, August 19, 2012

Blackberry Picking

My friend Daniela asked me if I wanted to come out to her farm. She said she knew where we could find a lot of blackberries. 

It was an arduous way to get to the hedgerows with baby strollers, but eventually we made it. Unfortunately there weren't many ripe berries, so we'll have to go again if we want enough for pies. But Rafael ate them happily one by one.

There are more and more yellow leaves strewn on the forest floor and the mornings have a slight chill. All little signs of autumn's approach....


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Dear Kary

Dear Kary,

I miss you. I miss your emails in my inbox, telling me about your sweet peas, and Teddy, and how the pumpkin patch is going to open soon. I miss your comments on my blog about New England, and road trips, and fall, and cooking. All the things that connected you and I. 

You were such a comfort to me after our loss. You always had kind words, thoughtful words. You always made me feel that, even though we lived so far apart, and had never met in person, that our hearts were mingled.

"Wish you were here for the party..i told sharon that dawn and i think someday we will meet..she said..oh, will...i thought that was cute..
And I love the idea of us all like tiny little Christmas lights glowing around the world. That's perfect....  maybe someday we all...Sharon, Susie you and me could have a weekend at Waterfall House..... you never know....."

How I wish that all had come true, Kary. How I wish we could have driven up the road to the apple orchard, or visited your favorite bakery. Or stayed in Big Sur, or explored Maine in the fall.

When Buddy passed away, you wrote to me:
'I love the saying "don't cry because he died, smile because he lived."'

I am trying to smile.

Once, you sent me this heart that you had hand-stitched, with the word 'Friend.' And a tiny forget-me-not, barely visible, but so meaningful. Especially now. Because I won't ever forget you!

My kindred spirit...kindred to so many who loved and adored you...I am picturing you now, in your own personal Heaven, walking through eternal autumn pumpkin fields with Buddy by your side. 

Love, Dawn

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Anticipating Autumn

It happens every August (actually if I'm honest, every June, but I am too shy to post about it at the beginning of summer): I begin fantasizing about the arrival of my favorite season, Autumn.

These photographs were taken last fall. I can't wait to get my camera out this year when the leaves start changing and the mist settles in over these little villages, farms, and wooded hills.

The first Autumn-themed magazines are popping up on the racks, getting me so excited and filled with anticipation.

Frost on fallen leaves, my breath puffing out in white clouds on early morning walks, baking apple pies and molasses cookies, blue fragrant smoke seeping out of chimneys, wearing sweaters and boots, walking down damp forest trails with Rafael in his carrier and the dogs examining the leaf piles and wood stacks, stooping down to pick up acorns and pinecones, and the melancholy caws of crows on foggy days. All things I am looking forward to.

What are your favorite things about fall?


Thursday, August 9, 2012


Sometimes I'll be spending time with Rafael, and suddenly I am overwhelmed with the feeling that something is missing. You know when you leave the house and think, "Wait, did I forget something?" Then I realize it's his older sibling that is missing.

Sometimes I feel like he is just in the other room playing, or about to run around the corner and laugh. He'd be two years old by now, a sunny, funny, busy little boy with shining mischievous eyes and a laugh that rings out. He'd run around our home with a superman cape trailing behind him, and show Rafael all of his toy cars and dinosaurs. He'd hold his little brother and give him kisses on the forehead, and Rafael would look up at him with a big grin and so much fascination.

I truly believe that Blueberry is with us. Ramon also said that sometimes he can FEEL him in the room with us. I always feel him next to Rafael. There were two times when Rafael was still a tiny baby when he laughed and smiled up at nothing, and I alway got goosebumps, feeling strongly that his big brother was there, visiting.

Today, watching Rafael nap beside me, I broke into quiet tears, missing my first baby so badly. Feeling so robbed of his life, his laugh, his love.

I can imagine that people who have never lost a baby might find it strange to miss an unborn child so much, especially when you have been given the blessing of a live, healthy baby. They might even think mothers like me are ungrateful. I am definitely not ungrateful. I cherish every moment with my little Rafael. But parents who have experienced loss will know that, one baby does not replace another. One soul cannot replace another.

I am afraid I will always feel something is missing from this little family. As beautiful as it is, there is a very special part missing.

I leave you now with a photograph of Rafael and his Papa a couple of weeks ago...When Ramon and I looked at it, we were both instantaneously hit with the feeling that the light shaft shining down on Rafael was Blueberry. So it was, indeed, a family walk. He does come visit us sometimes. And is with us in our hearts always.


Sunday, August 5, 2012

In The Midsummer Woods

So many magical things to be found in the damp midsummer forest these days. Lots of mushrooms and moss, and wild cyclamen with their delicate purple blossoms.

The dogs love splashing through creeks and cooling off their paws in muddy puddles. 

Rafael is so patient on our walks. I pick blackberries for him from brambles that grow along the wooded path. He points out birds and gets very excited when someone comes towards us with a big dog (to which he says, 'Wuff!').

I've been on the look out for Amanita muscarias, those red toadstools with white flecks that you see so often in fairy tale books, but no luck yet. Maybe in September. 

It's been a beautiful summer so far. Exhausting and hot....but beautiful.

Hope you all had a great weekend, thank you so much for your visit!



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