The Day My Mom Died

These pictures were taken just outside of San Francisco on the morning of August 25th. Later that day, my Mom died. She had been ill for a long time without knowing it, and once she found out, it went fast. We flew to her and spent her final days together. I was there, holding her foot, when she passed. 

Her illness was one of the reasons I stopped writing here. I found it hard to concentrate, hard to write about the beauty in each day. 

I don't know if I will continue this blog. Lately I find it hard to share personal things. 

I can tell you this: Rafael is blossoming, healthy, hilarious, and the most amazing person I've ever met. He is doing very well. 

The woods are still my sanctuary, the dogs are still my comfort, and my husband is still my best friend. 

I miss my Mom every day. It is unfair, and cruel, that she is gone. The past couple of years have been difficult, and I have had to be very strong. 

Fortunately, my life is also sparkling with blessings, wonders, and miracles.

Love, Dawn

What these pictures don't tell you...

What these pictures don't tell you is that the past couple of weeks have been a struggle. My husband was nearing a burn-out, I cry almost every morning out of frustration because getting Rafael and the dogs and myself ready to leave the house feels like an almost impossible feat, and I feel disconnected to my friends and family.

What these pictures don't tell you is that what I really truly desire is to connect deeply and truly with people; to understand and feel understood; to support and feel supported.

What these pictures don't tell you is that I have selfish material desires, like a big lovely home surrounded by land and trees. I try to be content with what I have, it's more than I dared to wish for in the past. But fantasies creep up into my mind, no matter how hard I try to focus on my blessings.

What these pictures don't tell you is that I don't know what I'm doing sometimes. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing for my son, for my dogs, for my husband, for my friends, for my family, for my self. 

What these pictures don't tell you is that I get pangs of jealousy when I look at pictures on Instagram. And then I feel guilty for feeling jealous. 

What these pictures don't tell you is that I have gained back 7 of the 25 pounds I lost. 

What these pictures don't tell you is that I worry. I worry so much and so often!

What these pictures don't tell you is that my most meaningful relationship is with my son. It scares and overwhelms me how significant and important he is to me. It frightens me how much I love him. It baffles me that this person, who is so tiring, demanding, and exhausting, can be the light of my life and the one thing in my life I know to be true and good.

xoxoxo

Interview with Vedic Astrologer Robert Koch

Back in May I told you about my reading with Vedic Astrologer Robert Koch, and how it ultimately filled me with new hope after the loss of our first pregnancy last fall. I was so fascinated by this process, and by the information he was able to provide us with, that I longed to know more about this ancient science, and how it can help you and me. Robert was kind enough to answer some questions I had from the comfort of his home in Bend, Oregon, and I'm happy to share them here with you!

Dawn: Robert, thank you so much for taking the time to answer these questions for my readers and I. I'll begin with a question which some people who have heard I had a reading done have asked me: What are the benefits of having a Vedic astrology reading done?


Robert Koch:  There are many benefits, the most compelling ones being a clear definition of life's purpose and destiny; and then timings of events which support and contribute to that destiny.  We are all challenged at certain junctures of life to take a more critical view of all possibilities, and if changes need to be made, to have the courage to make adjustments to the normal course of lifestyle.  Often we are confused as to which path to take, with whom, or whether there should be no change at all at a particular juncture in life.  Vedic astrology gives clarifications to these dilemmas and offers various types of spiritual remedies as well in case the challenging issues are especially vexing.  


D: Which aspects of someone's life can you NOT predict?


RK:  Predictions on any aspect of life are difficult and require a lifetime of study, skill, and application of rules for interpreting horoscopes.  So just about all areas of life can be predicted given that the astrologer is qualified.  Some exceptions, however, are:  where and to whom a person will take birth in his next lifetime; and, when Divine Will intervenes in some special cases to offset a difficult situation. 


D: When someone finds out about something in their chart that they don't want to happen, is there any way they can change it, or is what stands in the chart going to inevitably happen?


RK:  This depends on the nature of the event.  Some things will happen regardless of our attempts to deflect the event.  Other events may not happen because we were forewarned ahead time and took diversionary actions.  The magnitude of the event, or the severity of it, is not easy to determine, but an astrologer can almost always determine the dangerous period of time knowing which the client can make adjustments accordingly.  However, if something is fated to happen, then even knowing about it ahead of time will not enable the person to prevent it from occurring.  Forewarning can go a long way, however, as maybe an event is meant to happen, but by taking some precautionary actions, the client may be able to deflect the severity of the outcome.  


D: If you see something painful in someone's future...a disease, an accident, an unfaithful spouse...do you tell the person?


RK:  The astrologer's duty is to give forewarnings if some dangerous situation is seen in the client's future.  However, to what extent he may tell the client, and to what degree the dangerous event may impact that person, the message will need to be buffered accordingly.  In certain cases, such as in death, astrologers are taught not to reveal such information.  Only in specific and particular circumstances should the details or timing of death be given, and not otherwise.  But if there is an indication in the chart of an injury or accident, or sickness, for example, the astrologer will forewarn the client and thus the latter's vigilance during the dangerous planetary periods may help to divert a dangerous outcome


D: When you told me that you see two children in my near future, a boy and a girl, I was overcome with peace, and my hope was renewed after a long period of grieving after the loss of my first child. How do you think your readings have helped others?


RK:  I am very happy that those readings gave you peace and hope that you will be blessed with children in your future, Dawn!  Most people send me feedback after receiving readings in which they felt a similar kind of peace that you report.  At heart, or on soul-spiritual levels, we actually know what is coming in our future.  It is only due to contact with the illusions of the material nature that we either forget this knowing, or we doubt it due to fear.  Fear results from a gradual separation from Source, or God which has taken place during our various incarnations as humans.  A reading in Vedic astrology reminds us of the fact that the connection with Source, and thus our true spiritual intelligence, is never deleted.  When the reading thus confirms what a person knows internally, but may have forgotten temporarily, then a great sense of context, perspective, and peace comes over that individual.  This is what others have reported after having received a reading from me.  So it is not so much a matter of learning something new, but remembering things that the soul has known for a very long time but which he or she has briefly forgotten. 


D: A friend was concerned when I told her about your predictions for a child in 2011, afraid that I might be disappointed. Are you ever hesitant or worried about giving someone information which may result in false hope?


RK:  Most predictions do not go wrong, and in fact I have about a 95% accuracy record.  However, the 5% of incorrect predictions do happen and this can be chalked up to the astrologer's error.  Also, the birth time given by the client may also be inaccurate thus setting the potential for incorrect predictions, which are not the astrologer's fault.  Thus even if the astrologer is qualified, incorrect information will result if the client does not take the trouble to confirm his/her time of birth carefully.  In most instances, however, the astrologer's error lies at the fault of bad predictions.

In answer to the question, I am never worried about giving false hope to an individual as the prediction is given with the greatest sincerity and drawing upon all the skills that I've developed thus far after 21 years of professional practice.  If the prediction goes wrong, then the first step is to re-check the accuracy of the birth data given by the client.  If the client confirms accurate birth data, then the astrologer takes full responsibility for the bad prediction.  In this regard, some spiritual knowledge and detachment is necessary for anybody who consults a Vedic astrologer.  The astrologer is not God, and thus cannot predict all things with 100% accuracy, and thus the client should know that a small margin of human error is possible.  Spiritual detachment means to take guidance or insights from the astrologer as to the possible destiny which will unfold, while at the same time realizing that ultimately things happen or don't happen not just as a result of re-occurring karma, but also according to God's plan.  This sort of detachment protects the client from a shock or let-down if the desired result does not happen.  


D: To what degree is a warning from you, such as 'be careful when travelling' or 'be careful when driving,' able to help someone avoid a pitfall which is predetermined in their chart? Can being aware of those dangers actually help someone avoid a possible accident or injury?


RK: Yes, but not always.  Sometimes a period of instability, especially while travelling or operating vehicles is indicated, although no malignant or terrible outcome is foreseen.  If that is the case, then a simple forewarning can help to deflect a painful situation.  Other events are destined to happen and will happen whether or not one knows ahead of time.  For example, an astrologer may warn a client against falling objects causing potential injury.  But if he then walks down the sidewalk and a piano falls out of the window overhead, how could such an event be avoided?  Generally if someone enters an extremely dangerous period of life planetarily speaking, the astrologer will give a forewarning the result of which the client will exercise great caution and not take any risky actions.  Ultimately, however, fate will play its hand regardless of one's attempt to the contrary.  


D: Do twins or multiples share identicle charts? And if so, why are their lives different?


RK: Twins do not share all the subtleties of the horoscope, even if they are born within 2 minutes of each other.  There are finer layers or dimensions of a Vedic chart called Harmonic charts, and these show differences in children born to the same mother, on the same day and place, and within 1 and 1/2 minutes of each other.  In most cases, such children have very different lives, but not always.  


D: How often do you look at your own chart for guidance in your life?


RK:  I look at my own chart every day.  There are daily charts, for example, which give not only the effects of a given day, but also the times of the day when those experience should happen.  There are also monthly, bi-monthly yearly, bi-yearly charts as well which are very useful in seeing what is going to come at a given time.  Ultimately, the birth chart is the greatest calibrator of the trend or evolution of experience over the course of a lifetime.  I find myself contemplating the broad themes and timings less than the daily or monthly charts, as the latter give more detail for shorter periods of time.  


D: Is what you see before you in a chart what you would call fate? Or destiny? Is everything predetermined?


RK:  I like to use the word destiny more that fate, as even the sounds of these words carry various ominous types of connotations, and the word "destiny" carries a softer vibration than the word "fate."  As indicated above, some kinds of events are fated or pre-determined; other effects will bring certain potentials, but free will may be used to deflect the outcome to a certain extent.  My mentor in Vedic astrology was of the opinion that we have 30% free will, even though we would like to think that we can orchestrate all the situations and outcomes of life by our own intelligence and self-determination.


D: What would you say to someone who is skeptical about a Vedic astrologer's ability to see the past and predict the future?


RK:  If the person approaches me with a challenging sort of attitude, then I would say nothing to that person.  If the person were sincere but also skeptical, and thus needed some kind of verification of the efficacy of predictive astrology, then I would point that person to a compilation of various predictions I had made in the past which came true. I would also venture to tell that person - given access to their horoscope - about various things that should have happened in their past in order to give them faith that the science of the stars can see the past, the present, as well as the future.  I have written articles about some predictions, for example, including the correct outcome of the last five presidential elections in the US.  I also predicted the 9/11 attacks in New York City, but that was to a client who lived near ground zero and who had a reading from me four months prior to that.  Another client of mine, an author, inquired about the outcome of her book which was about to be published.  I told her that this book would bring her great fame, beyond her wildest dreams.  Thereafter, Oprah Winfrey caught wind of the book (entitled Women, Food, and God, by Geneen Roth ), interviewed her twice on the Oprah show, and thereafter the book has since been # 1 on the NY Times best seller's list for two consecutive months!  So any astrologer who has been practicing long enough, will have a folder of correct predictions, and that should help someone who is skeptical about the power of Vedic astrology. 


D: Thank you, Robert, for this fantastic look into Vedic Astrology!


If you are interested in a reading with Robert Koch, please click HERE .


For a detailed introduction to Robert Koch, please click HERE . 

A Change in Weather

Some people are Summer People. They love the heat, the sweat, the skimpy clothing, the sunbathing. I am not a Summer Person. I am an Autumn Person. I like mist. Fallen leaves. Wet grass. Puddles. Woodsmoke. A stack of books. A cup of frothy hot chocolate. Snuggling. Cinnamon. 


In the night there was a change in weather. You could see it coming in...just look at the photographs in the post below. The rain and wind has been an enormous relief. I slept the night through without tossing and turning on a sweat-dampened pillow. Kiki slept better, too, and when we woke up in the morning, we looked at each other and smiled. Aaaaaaah YES, a good night's sleep. Wind in the trees. Rain-soaked streets and fields waiting.


I put on my new boots, a new rain coat, and wrapped my spirit around me. It wasn't cold, but a very comfortable cool. No horseflies biting my legs, no bubbles of sweat on my lip. Everything felt fresh!


There were some pretty yellow leaves in the dewey grass. And then I thought to myself, "A four leaf clover would make the morning perfect." And a second later God showed me a five-leaf clover and said, "How do you like them apples?!" Oh yes, God...You are truly talented. Thank You for this cool, wet morning swathed in mist.


Now for that frothy hot chocolate and stack of books...


xoxo country girl


p.s. see a preview of three new kiki la ru cake buntings by clicking Here .

Hope Springs Eternal

Hope springs eternal in the human breast...

Meet Boston.

Boston is a 5-week-old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

He will be joining our family in September, and we are so incredibly excited!

Boston, pictured here being kissed/bitten by a sibling, is a ray of shining hope for us.

The pain of this day, today, my original due date with angel baby Blueberry, has been softened and soothed by the joy and happy anticipation of this sweet little boy.

It's one of those stories where, when you look back, you know it was God giving you a break.

On Saturday, I wanted to send Kiki's breeder a new photograph of her, as I sometimes do, but couldn't seem to find his email address. So I went on his website, and there they were....a new, adorable litter of puppies.

AND JUST ONE LEFT.

Our little Boston!!

(We've named him after the city we fell in love with last autumn.)

Boston....our ray of sunshine!

xoxo country girl

p.s. thank you all, SO MUCH, for your words of comfort and encouragment!!!

Pieces of Paradise

"God, I can push the grass apart and lay my finger on Thy heart. "

-Edna St. Vincent Millay

Sorry for my absence lately. I've been busy enjoying pieces of paradise.

I can't help but spend hours walking through the green of Spring.

And I forget about computers and 'inside.'

But then I remember YOU, and think how much I wish I could share all of this beauty with you, in person that is.

Pictures will have to do.

Sending a tender green hug to all of you!

xoxo country girl

O Christmas Tree!

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” -Robert Brault

I'm telling myself again and again now: Enjoy the little things. Take note of the splashes of beauty that surround you. Breath. Thank your heart for beating unfailingly and without effort. Thank God that you have this warm home and these caring people in your life. Thank God for making optimism your true nature, and planting within you the seed of FAITH.

We awoke to snow flakes falling yesterday and I cooked up a big, hearty breakfast. We were gathering our strength for the mission ahead: Mission Christmas Tree. The lot is a five minute walk away from our home. Ten minutes when your husband is carrying a humongous evergreen. Our tree was hidden, and perfect. Tall, just bushy enough, with even branches. Yes. This was our fella!

theres our fella::pay the nice guy in the funny hat::get ready for the way home::satisfied customer

my hubby=my christmas hero

get the netting off::stand back and admire::string up the lights::get out the ornaments

he's feeling at home, our happy christmas tree

an austrian tradition: chocolates filled with sweet liquor wrapped in bright foil to hang from the boughs

newest addition to the ornament collection: a cavalier king charles spaniel, hand painted, purchased during our autumn trip to falmouth, cape cod

used the trimmings of the tree to pretty-up this candle display; the place smells gorgeous now

there he stands, beautifully decked, proud and pretty, our cheerful christmas tree.

There is hope and beauty and goodness to be found, often in the simplest places. And what a surprise it has been to receive so much love and support from this community! 

You know, when I got pregnant, I thought I should keep it to myself for a while. But when I miscarried, and began sharing this difficult time with you all, I realized I was wrong...THIS, of all places, is where I can open my heart and speak my truth. With you. And that is amazing, and precious, and so completely unexpected. This place has become so very very tender and special for me. Thank you all so much. 

A warm hug for you all on this snowy Sunday....I'm hoping to spend it making gingerbread cookies.

God, Give Me Strength...

our last day with baby blueberry...happy family hug

As most of you know, my sister-in-law got pregnant 3 weeks before me; she now has a sweet hard little belly poking out, and a baby growing inside of her. My belly is empty. 

Today it's raining cats and dogs; my sister-in-law called, I told her I had a sweater I had to return, she offered to drive with me to the mall, we could run errands together. I knew it would be hard to see her, especially her belly....but I didn't know just how hard. No matter what we were doing, or what we were talking about, I couldn't stop thinking about that belly; about the baby growing inside; about my baby blueberry, who I will never hold in my arms. About next summer, when my niece or nephew will be born. About how I thought my first child would be born soon afterwards, and the two would play together. About how her baby stayed, and my baby left. 

Now I am finally home and my tears can run. I can't fully express in words how much this hurts. How lost I feel, and how much I miss the feeling of carrying my little one inside of me. How I am so filled with fear that it will take a long, long time before I am blessed with a living, breathing baby. How I am afraid of watching my sister-in-laws belly grow and grow. How I am terrified of July.  

What I long for most is to change my role. If my life were a book, my role right now would be 'mother who lost a baby.' I would give anything to change my role to 'mother who lost a baby, got pregnant again, and gave birth to a baby.' I would give anything to feel my life moving forward, moving in the direction that I have longed for, moving towards motherhood. 

What do you do in-between? What do you do while the clock is still ticking but you feel locked in a time in your life that you wish would just dissolve?

I know the healing virtues of gratitude and faith. God, give me strength. Give me a grateful heart; a heart empowered by faith. 

you make my heart sing

The world is so big, and I am so small. God, grant me the gift to see many, many of the beautiful places on this great earth!

This is a new series on my blog...anytime I see a photo which takes my breath away, a photo of a place or a thing that makes my heart sing with longing, I will share it with you.

how can i love them already?

"Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of love." -Maureen Hawkins

What you see above is a little silver duck baby rattle. I bought it many years ago in Frankfurt Germany, and knew the moment I saw it that it would be my way of telling my husband that we are having a baby. I keep it wrapped in tissue paper in my wooden box with the word 'HOPES' written on it, along with a silver keepsake box and a newborn baby bonnet which my mother-in-law gave me; it's been in the family for a long time.

We are going to begin trying to conceive in September, and let me tell you, I am prepared. I ordered pre-seed, a lubricant which supports sperms mobility and lifespan, and a clearblue digital pregnancy test to take with us to Cape Cod; by the time we're there I could already be pregnant. Wouldn't that be a nice place to give Ramon the rattle? 

Some friends have told me not to get my hopes up about conceiving in the first month. They said it usually takes longer and that I should expect to have to try at least a few times. Other friends have said, "Why shouldn't it happen the first time? Enjoy it and by all means, set an intention for it to work the first go!" While I am aware that some couples end up trying for a long time before getting pregnant, I am also aware of couples where *bling!* it worked the first go. 
I have thought about my future children every day for a long, long time. I know that, not only are we making children, but they are making us parents. I am so curious about the journey which lies ahead of us, about how our lives will change, what we will love about it, what will be hard about it. Our lives will never be the same, which is a scary and thrilling concept all at once. It will be something so totally new, and how often does that happen in life? Not often. Where your very being, the very definition of who you are, goes through a transformation. You are someone's mother, someone's father; you are their provider and caretaker. They depend on you with their very life. They are going to soak up everything you say and do in their first years, and that's a big responsibility. 

I already have a few books on pregnancy, childbirth, and children. I like to dip in every once in a while and learn something new about parenting. It gives me a feeling of security and preparedness to read these, and yet...how prepared can you ever really be? 

I think about what kind of mother I want to be. Dedicated. Calm. Affectionate. Dependable. Reassuring. Nurturing. Funny. Organized. Even-tempered. Consistant. Energized. And full of fun ideas.

I do understand that I won't be a perfect mother 100% of the time. I know at times I will be sleep-deprived and stressed, that not every little thing can possibly be clean and organized and perfect when you have children and a dog and a household. But I am hoping for at least 80%. Please God, at least give me the strength for 80%. 

Heaven Has A New Angel

"Let us be silent that we may hear the whisper of God." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

The sweet puppy we were planning on bringing home to live with us in October has died, along with her siblings. Needles to say we are very sad. We are grateful however that she died without much suffering, and we know she has her place in Heaven now. 

Zappalot, We're Building A Fort!

'Zappalot' is a word my mother-in-law uses when there's something to get excited about. Today I stopped by my sister-in-law's home, and after eating a delicious BBQ lunch her little son Angelo decided next on the list was building a fort with his grandma out of crocheted ribbons, scarves, and blankets. They made a comfy floor with a comforter and finished it off with a wall of pillows. Once his squishy stuffed dog joined him, and he had a bottle of juice in his hand, he was all set.

I can't tell you how much being with him makes me yearn for children of my own. I actually physically feel the desire pulling at my heart strings. Then I tell myself, Be patient, your children will come, it will all happen on God's time, not yours. 

Picture of Innocence

"Oh God, keep me innocent; make others great!" -Caroline Matilda

This photo was taken after Kiki came out of the river, and I believe it to be one of the best pictures I have taken, because it captures perfectly her essence, which is innocence. Watching Kiki enjoy the summer, with all of it's simple delights, is much like watching a child. Only, I know that her innocence is something eternal, something she will never grow out of. I feel blessed to have such an example of pure innocence, love, and playfulness in my life. Thank you, Kiki.