our last day with baby blueberry...happy family hug
As most of you know, my sister-in-law got pregnant 3 weeks before me; she now has a sweet hard little belly poking out, and a baby growing inside of her. My belly is empty.
Today it's raining cats and dogs; my sister-in-law called, I told her I had a sweater I had to return, she offered to drive with me to the mall, we could run errands together. I knew it would be hard to see her, especially her belly....but I didn't know just how hard. No matter what we were doing, or what we were talking about, I couldn't stop thinking about that belly; about the baby growing inside; about my baby blueberry, who I will never hold in my arms. About next summer, when my niece or nephew will be born. About how I thought my first child would be born soon afterwards, and the two would play together. About how her baby stayed, and my baby left.
Now I am finally home and my tears can run. I can't fully express in words how much this hurts. How lost I feel, and how much I miss the feeling of carrying my little one inside of me. How I am so filled with fear that it will take a long, long time before I am blessed with a living, breathing baby. How I am afraid of watching my sister-in-laws belly grow and grow. How I am terrified of July.
What I long for most is to change my role. If my life were a book, my role right now would be 'mother who lost a baby.' I would give anything to change my role to 'mother who lost a baby, got pregnant again, and gave birth to a baby.' I would give anything to feel my life moving forward, moving in the direction that I have longed for, moving towards motherhood.
What do you do in-between? What do you do while the clock is still ticking but you feel locked in a time in your life that you wish would just dissolve?
I know the healing virtues of gratitude and faith. God, give me strength. Give me a grateful heart; a heart empowered by faith.