Friday, December 11, 2009

God, Give Me Strength...

our last day with baby blueberry...happy family hug

As most of you know, my sister-in-law got pregnant 3 weeks before me; she now has a sweet hard little belly poking out, and a baby growing inside of her. My belly is empty. 

Today it's raining cats and dogs; my sister-in-law called, I told her I had a sweater I had to return, she offered to drive with me to the mall, we could run errands together. I knew it would be hard to see her, especially her belly....but I didn't know just how hard. No matter what we were doing, or what we were talking about, I couldn't stop thinking about that belly; about the baby growing inside; about my baby blueberry, who I will never hold in my arms. About next summer, when my niece or nephew will be born. About how I thought my first child would be born soon afterwards, and the two would play together. About how her baby stayed, and my baby left. 

Now I am finally home and my tears can run. I can't fully express in words how much this hurts. How lost I feel, and how much I miss the feeling of carrying my little one inside of me. How I am so filled with fear that it will take a long, long time before I am blessed with a living, breathing baby. How I am afraid of watching my sister-in-laws belly grow and grow. How I am terrified of July.  

What I long for most is to change my role. If my life were a book, my role right now would be 'mother who lost a baby.' I would give anything to change my role to 'mother who lost a baby, got pregnant again, and gave birth to a baby.' I would give anything to feel my life moving forward, moving in the direction that I have longed for, moving towards motherhood. 

What do you do in-between? What do you do while the clock is still ticking but you feel locked in a time in your life that you wish would just dissolve?

I know the healing virtues of gratitude and faith. God, give me strength. Give me a grateful heart; a heart empowered by faith. 

21 comments:

  1. Oh Sweet Dawn... I feel your hurt and pain....going through what I have been with Buddy I know the feeling of empty and despair... you probably feel lonely and lost and yes, dreading July.

    I know how hard it was for you to see your sister-in-law and it did make you sad for your loss. Give yourself time ....stay close to Ramon and your precious Kiki.

    I cried all day long at the thought of losing Buddy.... just praying and asking God for strength..it's all one can do...
    Know I am here thinking about you, praying for you and asking God to ease your burden of loss and pain...

    and yes, I guess it is all we can do to just take one day at a time and live in the moment..

    I am sending you all my love and know you are in my thoughts and prayers ...

    may you find peace, dear one...

    Kary and Buddy
    xxx

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  2. stay strong - i can only imagine your pain, as my sister suffered similarly years ago. i hope you will find your silver lining soon :)

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  3. I am so sorry about your sad feelings. I hope the Angels hear you, and come to your side. Blessings to you.

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  4. I admire your courage in being open about your pain. It means people can pray for you and support you, though I know it's sometimes not enough and seems futile. But, I will keep praying for you.

    When I had a terrible heartache several years ago (about something totally different than your present heartache that I dare not even pretend is anything remotely close to what you feel now), I read through Psalms over and over. I would read during each bout of pain until I felt it start to subside. It was a time that my faith grew more than ever, and I think it had so much to do with those Spirit-filled words in the poetry of Psalms.

    Those verses were my sole comfort. I pray that you will find the thing you need to fill your in between time, and I pray that your fears will be swallowed up by an overwhelming sense of peace.

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  5. To my understanding it all comes down to ... Just keep going.
    Even though it is so impossibly hard. Just keep going.
    Best Wishes Dawn, my heart goes out to you.

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  6. hello sweet dawn.
    your post is so honest and true. i cried as i read your words...thoughts that have been very true to my recent experience. my baby would have arrived in february...so i know what it feels like to dread the day that you were once so looking forward to. a good friend of mine will be meeting her new baby girl in february...our wee ones would have been born probably just days apart. today she stopped by my office and for the first time since i lost our baby i felt the urge to rub her tummy....i was hoping that the baby would move for me. as i touched it, knowing her sweet child could feel my hand i so desperatly wanted to be able to feel my baby too...my baby i missed so much right then. the tears welled up...it hit me so hard and unexpectadly. her tummy is sticking out further as her child grows bigger and stronger. part of me was so jealous which makes me feel bad as i truly am so happy for them; they have wanted another baby for so long and have suffered 2 losses along the way. i remember thinking how exciting it would have been this christmas to go home with my big tummy in tow...and this leaves me with that familiar feeling of emptiness. all i can say is cry when you need to cry...the tears that fall are healing in some way; a release. i don't even know if what i say helps you....but know that there are so many people thinking of you, praying for you, sending you healing thoughts of love & peace. know that you are not alone...
    xo.
    k

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  7. I'm thinking of you Dawn.
    I remember really depending on my faith when I was "there" too.
    Take it one day at a time, pray, meditate, walk, eat nourishing food, talk to those who you can really trust and who you really love about your feelings, write about it.... allow yourself to grieve.

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  8. hold on tight to the belief that everything happens for a reason...god has a plan for all of us...and even though we don't always understand why, we have to believe....

    I can't imagine your heartache and won't pretend to do so...but love yourself and love your hubby and your hearts together will get through this....

    and tears are okay...even if they last for days....they are okay....

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  9. Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your loved one. I pray you will be surrounded by the love and kindness of family and friends and find the strength you seek.
    Donna

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  10. I am very sorry to hear that news. All the best to yourself and your family. Kiki will give you all the cuddles in the world.

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  11. Oh Dawn, I so feel for you and you're very brave to put your complex emotions into words. Over the years I've watched as EVERYONE has had babies except for me...people who 'didn't particularly want kids', people who'd suffered loss before, people who had no trouble getting pregnant and carrying beautiful children who popped out with no problems. The whole world seems to be pregnant at times. I want to ask women I see in the street 'how do you DO that, look as if it's all so easy?' but of course I don't. And sometimes I have to cry a little, in secret, on my own....but I try never to really let go because I fear I'll never stop.The only solace I take is that these women aren't having MY baby. There isn't a quota which says that there are only so many to go round. And mine was there, even if only for 5 months. He existed and I was his mother. This helps me to be happy for them and welcome each baby as the miracle it is. But this is after years of experience. The first anniversaries are the hardest....the time he or she would have been born, the date you found out you were pregnant & the day you lost the dream. Dawn...it WILL happen for you, I know it. You will feel your babies move inside you and you will hold them in your arms. And while the loss you've suffered will never leave you, it will blur at the edges with time. Shed all the tears you need to, keep living your beautiful, love-filled life and they will come to you. My thoughts are with you. xox

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  12. Oh my darling Dawn, I cannot think of anything more than the wonderful girls above have already said, other than it will happen soon and you will be the most wonderful mother anyone could ever wish for. All of my love to you and Ramon xoxo

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  13. oh! I am feeling low today still and I just read your entry and my problems vanished as I thought of you. You will be okay, you will heal and you will have a baby...you just got to keep telling yourself that. God or whoever it maybe - youself even - will give you the strength to carry you through this dark place, somewhere better and lighter...the world keeps spinning, the seasons keep changing and things will always be changing in your life...hopefully for the better soon enough. Take care! We're here if you need to talk more xxx

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  14. Good Morning Dawn..Buddy had a good night and we got GOOD NEWS yesterday....all of his blood work came back good...I was so releived...I was so worried about that little guy..we just love him so much...as you do Kiki....

    How are you feeling today....hope you are better today...

    We are getting rain out here in California and it feels so nice....

    Thinking about doing some holiday baking today..either cookies or tea bread....

    I need to take some cookies to Buddy's vets next week....

    I'll check back with you later...

    Sending love and good wishes dear friend,

    Kary and Buddy
    xxx

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  15. Oh my sweet child!
    I am so moved by this entry. So much prayer and good wishes go out to you..you have created a safe space where we can share the depth and height of our experiences as women, mothers and kindred spirits.
    Thank you for being born with me and for the unconditional Love we share that only a mother and child can share. ( As you explained to me earlier on the phone). I LOVE you and am so proud of you.
    Yomom

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  16. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am also glad that you wrote about it, because I truly believe that it is by sharing with others our pain as well as our joys that we grow stronger. This wonderful community of blogging friends is certainly here for you. I have never experienced what you are going through, but when you spoke about wanting to change your role, I understood this very much. Such loss feels like it stops the whole world. It can even be hard just to breathe.

    Please keep sharing whenever you need to. We'll all be here to listen and share with you, too.

    All best to you,
    Gigi

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  17. I just found your blog, and your sadness. I lost my first baby at around 10 weeks along and thought it would take forever again, dreaded the due date, just like you. We were not going to try again until the following year, but God had other plans -- I was expecting again three months later, and a healthy pregnancy produced who is now our seven year old son. I hope and pray the same for you.

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  18. i have stood in this very tender place, and i send you love. i send you all the love and hugs you can carry.
    blessings~

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  19. I have never visited your site before and I do not remember how I got to it today. I am so toughed by your writtings above that I felt I had to respond. I will keep you in my prayers and I have so much faith in God that I feel He will bless you with another child.

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  20. So very sorry... God is the God of perfect timing. "Wait, I say, wait upon the Lord..." Waiting and trusting can be difficult, especially when the days, and months stretch out before you. I know I've wondered 'when oh when is such and such going to happen?' But I've trusted in God and it seems like what I thought would never happen, or may happen years from now, God has seen fit in His infinite wisdom to allow me to have, sooner than I thought. God knows your heart, mind and soul. He made you. Take your cares to Him in prayer. Sorry for this difficult time for you.

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  21. http://wateringwellsofhope.blogspot.com/2008_05_01_archive.html

    Dawn, I am sharing this post/blog in hopes that God will minister to you through it. You might have to type in www.wateringwellsofhope.blogspot.com Please read the May 22,2008 post.

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