how can i love them already?

"Before you were conceived I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would die for you. This is the miracle of love." -Maureen Hawkins

What you see above is a little silver duck baby rattle. I bought it many years ago in Frankfurt Germany, and knew the moment I saw it that it would be my way of telling my husband that we are having a baby. I keep it wrapped in tissue paper in my wooden box with the word 'HOPES' written on it, along with a silver keepsake box and a newborn baby bonnet which my mother-in-law gave me; it's been in the family for a long time.

We are going to begin trying to conceive in September, and let me tell you, I am prepared. I ordered pre-seed, a lubricant which supports sperms mobility and lifespan, and a clearblue digital pregnancy test to take with us to Cape Cod; by the time we're there I could already be pregnant. Wouldn't that be a nice place to give Ramon the rattle? 

Some friends have told me not to get my hopes up about conceiving in the first month. They said it usually takes longer and that I should expect to have to try at least a few times. Other friends have said, "Why shouldn't it happen the first time? Enjoy it and by all means, set an intention for it to work the first go!" While I am aware that some couples end up trying for a long time before getting pregnant, I am also aware of couples where *bling!* it worked the first go. 
I have thought about my future children every day for a long, long time. I know that, not only are we making children, but they are making us parents. I am so curious about the journey which lies ahead of us, about how our lives will change, what we will love about it, what will be hard about it. Our lives will never be the same, which is a scary and thrilling concept all at once. It will be something so totally new, and how often does that happen in life? Not often. Where your very being, the very definition of who you are, goes through a transformation. You are someone's mother, someone's father; you are their provider and caretaker. They depend on you with their very life. They are going to soak up everything you say and do in their first years, and that's a big responsibility. 

I already have a few books on pregnancy, childbirth, and children. I like to dip in every once in a while and learn something new about parenting. It gives me a feeling of security and preparedness to read these, and yet...how prepared can you ever really be? 

I think about what kind of mother I want to be. Dedicated. Calm. Affectionate. Dependable. Reassuring. Nurturing. Funny. Organized. Even-tempered. Consistant. Energized. And full of fun ideas.

I do understand that I won't be a perfect mother 100% of the time. I know at times I will be sleep-deprived and stressed, that not every little thing can possibly be clean and organized and perfect when you have children and a dog and a household. But I am hoping for at least 80%. Please God, at least give me the strength for 80%.