Sometimes I feel like he is just in the other room playing, or about to run around the corner and laugh. He'd be two years old by now, a sunny, funny, busy little boy with shining mischievous eyes and a laugh that rings out. He'd run around our home with a superman cape trailing behind him, and show Rafael all of his toy cars and dinosaurs. He'd hold his little brother and give him kisses on the forehead, and Rafael would look up at him with a big grin and so much fascination.
I truly believe that Blueberry is with us. Ramon also said that sometimes he can FEEL him in the room with us. I always feel him next to Rafael. There were two times when Rafael was still a tiny baby when he laughed and smiled up at nothing, and I alway got goosebumps, feeling strongly that his big brother was there, visiting.
Today, watching Rafael nap beside me, I broke into quiet tears, missing my first baby so badly. Feeling so robbed of his life, his laugh, his love.
I can imagine that people who have never lost a baby might find it strange to miss an unborn child so much, especially when you have been given the blessing of a live, healthy baby. They might even think mothers like me are ungrateful. I am definitely not ungrateful. I cherish every moment with my little Rafael. But parents who have experienced loss will know that, one baby does not replace another. One soul cannot replace another.
I am afraid I will always feel something is missing from this little family. As beautiful as it is, there is a very special part missing.
I leave you now with a photograph of Rafael and his Papa a couple of weeks ago...When Ramon and I looked at it, we were both instantaneously hit with the feeling that the light shaft shining down on Rafael was Blueberry. So it was, indeed, a family walk. He does come visit us sometimes. And is with us in our hearts always.