Thursday, August 9, 2012

Missing

Sometimes I'll be spending time with Rafael, and suddenly I am overwhelmed with the feeling that something is missing. You know when you leave the house and think, "Wait, did I forget something?" Then I realize it's his older sibling that is missing.

Sometimes I feel like he is just in the other room playing, or about to run around the corner and laugh. He'd be two years old by now, a sunny, funny, busy little boy with shining mischievous eyes and a laugh that rings out. He'd run around our home with a superman cape trailing behind him, and show Rafael all of his toy cars and dinosaurs. He'd hold his little brother and give him kisses on the forehead, and Rafael would look up at him with a big grin and so much fascination.

I truly believe that Blueberry is with us. Ramon also said that sometimes he can FEEL him in the room with us. I always feel him next to Rafael. There were two times when Rafael was still a tiny baby when he laughed and smiled up at nothing, and I alway got goosebumps, feeling strongly that his big brother was there, visiting.

Today, watching Rafael nap beside me, I broke into quiet tears, missing my first baby so badly. Feeling so robbed of his life, his laugh, his love.

I can imagine that people who have never lost a baby might find it strange to miss an unborn child so much, especially when you have been given the blessing of a live, healthy baby. They might even think mothers like me are ungrateful. I am definitely not ungrateful. I cherish every moment with my little Rafael. But parents who have experienced loss will know that, one baby does not replace another. One soul cannot replace another.

I am afraid I will always feel something is missing from this little family. As beautiful as it is, there is a very special part missing.

I leave you now with a photograph of Rafael and his Papa a couple of weeks ago...When Ramon and I looked at it, we were both instantaneously hit with the feeling that the light shaft shining down on Rafael was Blueberry. So it was, indeed, a family walk. He does come visit us sometimes. And is with us in our hearts always.


xoxoxo

14 comments:

  1. There is a tv-show in Holland with a Scottish medium and he "sees" these babies all the time. They stay with you for the rest of your life and they wait for you at the end of your life. He sees if it was (or "is" actually) a boy or a girl and sometimes he sees babies where the mother had a very early miscarriage and she wasn't even sure she was pregnant or not. I have never miscarried but I can imagine this to be very comforting if you have lost a baby.

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  2. Hello Dawn,

    What a tender, sweet, sweet message. I've only been reading your blog a short time, so I was unaware that you had lost a child. My daughter would understand your missing a child that was unborn. Between her fourth and fifth children, she lost a baby and misses her just like you. A dear friend gave her a beautiful yellow rose bush that thrives at the edge of the front walk reminding Shannon of the little one that is just as special as her children who are with us on earth right now. All children, unborn and born, are precious gifts. Little Blueberry awaits you, Ramon and Rafael in Heaven...and I'm sure that feeling his presence from time to time is a good thing.

    Love from Diane in North Carolina

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  3. thinking of you today and always. you are so right: no child 'replaces' a lost one. no being 'replaces' another. they bless our lives, yes, but the loss still exists...that missing piece that lingers within our hearts. you are so fun to read and learn from as you've walked this journey of life these past couple of years. know your past isn't forgotten from here in WI, rather being thought of and prayed for. Sending you a gentle hug of encouragement, peace and remembrance, and so, so thankful that Raffi's big brother is his official 'guardian angel' -- always within a soul's reach. xo ><>

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  4. Such a beautiful post, Dawn - and a beautiful picture!

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  5. Such a beautiful post that brings tears to my eyes...your situation is not unlike mine..though I often don't ever bring it up because it brings so much pain. This photo and your family is priceless. Found your blog via A Country Farmhouse and look forward to visits to your blog.


    Blessings,
    Jessie

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  6. Dawn, I don't find you ungrateful or strange, I believe you become a mother the minute you conceive, weather the baby was born or not. Your little Blueberry will always be with you and your husband, and now Rafael. Lovely post, and lovely picture.

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  7. What a beautiful post! Of course you feel your precious Blueberry with you, because he is and he will always be with his family.<3
    Mamma Carla

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  8. After we lost our little Caedmon at 9 weeks gestation...I thought our hearts would break-he would've been our third<3 we conceived Iona about a year later and it had helped ease the pain of loosing our little one<3 thank you so much for writing about your journey...your experience and honesty has helped me greatly<3

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    1. I am so sorry for your loss Kileah. xoxo

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  9. Thanks for sharing Dawn...I'm always so moved by your sensitivity and awareness.

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  10. What can I say....no words really, except thank you. Thank you for sharing.

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  11. You and your love are so sweet and touching. I pray for your family's joy.
    May the emptiness always be filled with solace, shafts of sunshine and blueberry skies. Sending abundance of love your heart's way...

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  12. So, so, so beautifully written and expressed! Ultrasound has truly been a window into the womb giving us glimpses of what the Book told us--that it is truly a life with an eternal soul.
    V

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