Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Another Goodbye










This goodbye has been so much easier than our first.....it went so fast and I never saw it's heart beating. Still, it is a cruel thing...being taken on an emotional rollercoaster ride of joy and then loss. 

I found out I was pregnant on Thursday. "What are you doing next July 20th?" I asked my husband over the phone. "July 20th? I don't know, why?" "That's the due date of our next baby!" 

And then I lost it on Saturday.

So it was two days of excitement and worry. 

We both felt that mix of happiness and anxiety that only parents who have lost a baby before truly know.  

Maybe having a healthy child here, living, breathing, laughing, causing mayhem and making me laugh and pull my hair out at the same time, makes something like this easier. Having this blessing and being reminded that this is enough. If I never am blessed with a child again, it is enough. I am already so lucky.

So we say 'goodbye' to the tiny little poppyseed-sized bundle of cells and love and possibility, and focus on our blessings. 

Thank you....for always sharing in my journey. 

xoxoxo

39 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Sending prayers and love your way...

    Raquel

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  2. mi dispiace moltissimo Dawn, you had such a great emotion for a few days and then ... it will be for later, you are so wise now you'll wait and it'll happen
    ciao Mada

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  3. So very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you all and sending love and hugs xoxo

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  4. Dear Dawn,
    Have experienced a miscarriage myself, I do feel for your grief. It may be easier with a child running around. Who knows. But if it is not, I was given great advice by a cranial osteopath that I work with... when I felt anxiety (which I felt after the miscarriage), he suggested I sit down for a moment, breathe, and ask myself if I am sad. I was. I cried. And, I healed.
    Also, I was told by a very trusted doctor that early miscarriages have absolutely nothing to do with the health of the man or woman, they have to do with the health of the fetus. Nature's protection, which feels reassuring in a time when it could feel like something went wrong. He also told me to take long walks. :) Which I think you've already got covered.

    Here's a big HUG. Some warm thoughts. Some loving prayers.

    Molly

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  5. Dawn, I have never been in your situation but I can imagine the pain and the sadness you must feel. I believe that everything, everything that happens, does so for a reason. Trying to understand those reasons, according to my own heart, helps me tremendously through difficult times. and maybe we never know....I'm so sorry.

    sending love, hugs and thoughts to you all.

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  6. So sorry to hear of your loss. xoxo ♥

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  7. I'm sorry to hear your sad news. Thinking of you,
    Claudia

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  8. As you know, I've had a miscarriage myself.....I always look at it as 'it was not supposed to be' as I'm sure you are feeling yourself.

    Blessings and Love and Hugs for all of you...............

    Joann
    xoxo

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  9. so much love, hugs, shared tears, and care to you and Ramon. I'll pray for healing peace to be around you. I am here (virtually) when ever you need. xoxo Love to you

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  10. I am sending you love and hugs, as well as crying with you. One of our daughters has been through this, and it was tough! Prayers are with you. xo

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  11. Before I read your words, I thought you were referring to Autumn as your photos are achingly beautiful and revealing of a season come and gone. And then I read your words...I've been pregnant once and miscarried once. A quick, painful moment in time. I'm grateful to be a mom, even so, to an amazing, beautiful, enchanting little one. But I know...the longing for a child is like no other pain. Hold tight to your little one. The years are short and soon our young ones will no longer be children.

    I found your blog several months ago, look forward to your posts, and I am absolutely awed by your photography. I've been meaning to comment for awhile. Maybe this post was the reason why I haven't. Thank you for sharing your journey.
    Peace, Nichole

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  12. :( i'm so very sorry dawn. sending you prayers and love....

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  13. So sorry to read about your loss. Sending hugs and kisses from afar. xx

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  14. when I began reading, like Nicole above I thought you were referring to Autumn, and the transition to Winter.

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the sadness, but I'm cheered a bit at the thought of your precious boy bringing you comfort in the midst of your loss.

    Be easy on yourself - I'm praying that you will feel lifted deep in your soul by the love of those around you, and the encouragement of the Lord.

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  15. I am so sorry for your loss. Many years ago my sister, Virginia, told me I needed to read your blog because our situations were so similar. At the time of your first loss, I too had a missed miscarriage and the grief was overwhelming. It was our first and I found comfort in your blog entries because you articulated the feelings I too was experiencing so well. It is a gift. In June of 2011 we welcomed the joy of our Life, our son. In August of this year we found out we were pregnant again and fear followed our joy. We were told via ultrasound that the baby was measuring 2 weeks behind and the sinking feeling we thought we would never feel again set in. We prayed to hear the heartbeat and 1 week later our prayers were answered and we saw and heard our baby's beautiful beating heart but sadly we lost the baby 4 days later. We were in the middle of testing to find a possible reason for the miscarriages when we discovered that I'm pregnant again. Only God knows why things happen the way they do, and we are trusting in His loving mercy to see us through this fearfully beautiful journey. I wanted to share my story with you because I feel they are so connected and Mother to Mother I wanted you to know that I feel your pain and will keep you in my prayers. Focusing on the blessing of your son will see you through this. I wish you the best.

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  16. Thank you for always so generously sharing your life with us. I am so very sorry to learn of your loss. Like so many women, I too can relate to your heartache. I am supremely blessed to have three healthy, wonderful children but I have had six pregnancies (a loss between each success) in my quest to be a mum. Each time I was so close to that important 12 week mark – but even that doesn’t set things in stone. As soon as I find out I’m pregnant, I feel love and attachment for the ‘baby’; even though I know better. It was my experience that trying for a baby (and subsequently becoming a parent) requires resilience. It’s never easy sweetheart but just take one day at a time, be gentle with yourself and expect good things to come -- because they will. XOXO K-L Australia

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  17. You have so many kind and comforting words here, Dawn, and I include mine, too. I'm sure it means the world to have Rafael to focus on when your heart is aching. Sending you my hopes and prayers to find peace....and another healthy pregnancy.
    xxxJudy in California

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  18. I just want to say that in the midst of your loss, I think you are an awesome woman. It amazes me that you can speak volumes of profoundness in just a few words. Thank you for sharing that gift with us strangers. You are a light in darkness. I pray Gods comfort and peace surround you.

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  19. I am so very sorry and sad for you that you've had to go through this again. Many hugs and prayers to you. I had two losses (before Rowan) that were very early as well...but it was still heart breaking to me. I hope that you're blessed with peace even in the sadness, and that you would be blessed with another baby quickly. <3

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  20. Dear Dawn what a lovely inspiring post from you even during your loss. You are a light to others.

    May God's love continue to surround you and flow through you.

    FlowerLady

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  21. Im so so sorry, Dawn. My heart just aches for you. This sort of loss is so hard, wishing you much comfort.

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  22. Sorry to hear of your loss. May God bless you and your family

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  23. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Know that your thoughtful spirit is a blessing to so many.

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  24. Oh Dawn, I am so very, very sorry to hear your news. Ugh, it really does make my heart hurt. I have two healthy wonderful children but I've been pregnant six times all together. Who knows why. Each loss hurt and was very hard but I keep thinking I wouldn't have my two loves if anything had happened differently. And I know they were meant to be. I hope you're doing okay and finding comfort/peace. I'll be sending warm thoughts in your direction! XOXO

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  25. I am sorry to hear of the loss. I was never able to have a child, losing one so very early. We adopted. I had always wanted to have that feeling of a life growing and the blessed pain of birth. I know the feelings. Thank the Lord you have been blessed and treasure that!

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  26. So sorry for your loss, Dawn. I'm sending you many warm and positive thoughts.

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  27. Dearest Dawn, I haven't been reading your blog for a few days and today I foud out about your loss...what can I say? that my heart goes out to you and pray for you that God gives you the strength to go on. When I discovered that I had cancer 6 years ago,I was completely lost,I'm not a very courageous person I thought,so I didn't ask for getting well but I asked for strength from God and He sent me so much courage to overwhelm all difficulties that I might meet on my journey! I am very thankful for this and have received the gift to think day by day. I think that looking to your wonderful little family you should count all the positivity and the gifts that you have in your life and go on.I know ! it is painful to think of what it could have been,but it will come a day perhaps in which you will be gifted with another child. Pray the Lord and put your life an those of you dears into His hands and you won't regret! Lots of love to you!
    Mamma Carla

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  28. Good things are coming your way Dawn. As difficult as things may feel right now; look after yourself sweetheart. Put your attention back onto your health to help you to feel strong and regain your positive outlook. Think about how good you felt after losing all your weight; lighter in mind and body? Nurture yourself just as you would nurture those around you in a time of hurt and loss. We are strangers, yet I feel certain there is only good around the corner for you. I wish you nothing but the best in every aspect of your life x K-L Australia

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  29. Heartbreaking for you. Very sorry to hear this. There is nothing to say to comfort you. So I will just continue to listen. Thank you for sharing. Sending you so much love and healing.

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  30. Each loss, is just that a loss. A loss that cannot be told with only words, but understood to the bottom of our hearts by those of us who have also lost a precious life. Even after 21 years, it is my lost child that I lovingly and longinly remember and celebrate it's brief moment in my heart and life. With respect and understanding. J

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  31. praying for peace and comfort, and so glad you have your handsome guys to hold onto right now. i know this hurts. xo

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  33. I am so sorry Dawn. Lot's of prayers for you and your husband, you are one strong woman, and will get thru this like you have done in the past. Sending you a virtual hug.

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  34. Oh Dawn...my heart is heavy for you. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Sending so much love your way.
    xx

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