Excerpt from my private journal, October 1, 2006
"I will never be the tallest, prettiest, or sexiest woman on the planet. It's all a matter of taste, I know, but to Ramon I am precious and beautiful. This is something that I cherish about the people I love and who love me back. It's also what can be intimidating about the city, and meeting new people. People don't meet you with an immediate opinion, and you are forced again and again to analyse yourself according to what others point out about you. Every time you meet someone and they have an impression of you, that impression or relationship makes you think about yourself and who you are and what you represent. When the man who stamps tickets on the train ordered me disapprovingly to remove my shoes from the opposite seat, I knew he left with a bad opinion of me. This is where Tolstoy's advice of only focusing on pleasing God comes into good use. God knows all about me, every nook and cranny of my soul, and doesn't judge me by the little mistakes but rather by the sum of my prayers, intentions, and actions. I believe this to be one of the most comforting aspects of having God be your friend.
It's funny to learn about people who have such strong opinions and demands of others, like men who only date skinny models or women who only date men with money. I know there have been times where I have allowed such people to make me feel inadequate, being that I am hardly over five feet tall and have freckles and a crooked bottom tooth. But when I read books by Gladys Taber, Susan Branch, or Rachel Peden, all these superficial worries drop away from my heart. Any insecurities seem as silly and useless as they truly are. Real human values shine forth again. Values like loyalty, hard work, perseverance, faith, community, generosity, and most of all, love. My thoughts don't revolve around my weight, my skin, my hair, my wardrobe. But rather, I question, have I told my Dad that I love him lately? Isn't there something I could bake for my inlaws? Do the birds have enough seeds in the feeder? Is there someone who needs help? Wouldn't Ramon like a warm breakfast before he heads off to work? Wouldn't it be good to write some encouraging words in a letter to my Mother? These are the little things that make up a lifetime of loving and giving."
Thinking loving thoughts, feeling quiet and creative this first day of September.
xoxo country girl