Monday, September 20, 2010
Last fall was an exciting time. We took a trip to Cape Cod, my mother came to visit us here in the Austrian countryside, and on October 26th, I got the positive pregnancy test I had been hoping and praying for for so long. Every day I had this grin on my face. Every night my husband and I talked about our baby. I was overwhelmed by a feeling of fulfillment; everything was falling into place. I felt so incredibly blessed. I felt my baby growing inside of me, felt the changes it was already making in my life....the only thing that tasted good was dry toast and tea, I had to take a two hour nap every afternoon, and my lower abdomen seemed to pop out one morning.
Ramon and I marvelled at how we already felt like a father and mother. When I was in public, at the farmers market, on the bus, I thought, "No one here knows my wonderful secret!" And I would find myself smiling, thinking about the tiny heartbeat under the spot where my hand was resting on my belly.
There are so many good things this fall, too. Our new puppy Boston, who doesn't feel new anymore, but as if he always belonged, and watching Kiki embrace him as her playmate; the big move to a brand new home; enthusiastic customers supporting my little etsy shop; the strong love and friendship I share with my husband. And autumn itself, of course....like this morning, with it's frosty grass, blue skies, and mushroom scent.
But there is also this hole. This hole that brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat, and makes me feel small and sad. On the day we lost our baby, I couldn't have known how long the pain of that day would stay with me. It's overwhelming how, in the middle of a very fine day, it will suddenly grip me, and I will feel that grief and loss so strongly.
Here we are, nearly a year later...and I still think about how old our baby would be now (4 months), and wonder when or if we will be blessed with a baby in the future, and why it hasn't happened yet.
Fortunately there are many distractions right now, so many things keeping me occupied.
But there are those moments, like now, when I wish with every fiber of my being that I was holding my little one, nursing him, rocking him, watching him sleep peacefully in my arms.
xoxo country girl