Honesty: The Painful Kind

The other day I was walking back home from the farmer's market which is held every Friday in the neighbouring town where we used to live. I saw my ex-neighbor approaching and went tense; 'Oh no,' I thought, 'She hasn't seen me since I've gained weight. Hopefully she won't say anything.' Followed by the hopeful thought: 'Maybe I don't look as different as I feel.' She slowed down from her jog and waved, probably unaware that she was eyeing me up and down with a critical look. "Hi there," she said once she reached me. "How are you? Did you have a baby?!" 
Last January, I had decided to finally stop being crazy about dieting, and to stop taking the daily doses of diet pills I had been downing for about nine years. I knew I wanted to have a clean body as a vessel for my future baby to grow inside of. I also wanted to finally enjoy all of the food I dreamed of while eating skinless chicken breasts and grapefruits. The problem was, I quickly replaced my addiction for diet pills with an addiction for sugar. Not only that, but the miscarriage in November had me literally medicating myself with chocolate. Since last January, I have gone from 48 kilos to 68. That's a gain of 45 pounds. On a tiny frame of about 5 feet 3 inches. 

45 pounds lighter

now

This morning, while power walking down a rain-soaked path, feeling overwhelmed with the task of losing weight before summer, it suddenly became clear to me that I need to remodel. And I don't mean my body. I mean my entire vision of who I am. 

I started thinking about truly beautiful women. They have sparkling eyes, infectious smiles....and more important, confidence. You would never think that they look at themselves critically in the mirror; you would never imagine them sliding the cupcake away from themselves and sighing, feeling huge and ugly and deprived all at the same time. They are busy enjoying life! Busy feeling inspired, creative, enthusiastic. Busy loving their partner, being there for their friends, learning new things, enjoying what little time there is here on earth. Those are the things which make the most beautiful women.

So now I need to be painfully honest with myself about what isn't working in my life, and what I need to change. I need to remember the picture I have of my ideal, healthy, happy self, and then do everything in my power to work towards becoming her.

This was a surprisingly difficult post and I keep going back and forth in my mind about publishing it. It's harder than I thought to be this honest about my short-comings. My ego is squealing, "Nooo, don't click 'Publish Post!' This is ugly and scary! Just write something about the weather and springtime!"

*squish*

That's the sound of my ego under my foot. 

Ok....I'm pressing Publish Post now......

xoxo country girl