Thursday, July 1, 2010

this is july: loss and hope and learning








What can I say about this month July?


If I look at these photographs, I see nature...summer heat...and the sweetest little four-legged companion I could ever hope for. I see that I am surrounded every day by so much beauty; that I am so very blessed.


If I look in my heart, I see loss. As my due date approaches, July 5th, and I sit here with a flat tummy, with no baby on the way, I feel very empty, and very alone in my grieving. The end of June was an extremely painful, difficult time, and I don't expect this first week of July to be any better. I have been distracted, depressed, irritable, frustrated. And I have neglected my friendships. I have not been able to truly enjoy all of this fair weather, good company, sweet hours of sunshine. I'm given breathtaking sunsets, and fireflies, and still I am sad.


Even someone like me, who has received so much, who leads a very full life, wonders again and again, Why am I denied this one thing I hope for so dearly? Where is the lesson in loss and waiting? When will You relieve me? 


Again and again, I am given the answer: Learn to appreciate what you have. Learn to keep hope's flame burning bright. Learn to remain open and generous, even when you feel empty and as if you have nothing to give. Learn to have a soft heart, a loving heart, a joyful heart, a heart that is full and content, even if some wishes are left unfulfilled. Learn to accept pain, and learn to choose the lit path instead of the dark.


"A heart resolved leads to a fulfilled life." 
-Gurumayi Chidvilasananda


What does that mean?


I hope to find out in July.


xoxo country girl

27 comments:

  1. Thinking of you Dawn... Loss is never hard, but on the light side, it helps to put life into prospective, letting the goods and positive shine through (even if it doesn't feel like it at the time). There is a balance to everything, don't worry... Every thing is ok in the end. If it isn't ok, it's not the end... That is an annon. quote that my mom has on her fridge from the 2nd time she battled cancer (and won!) and I find it to be really comforting and I feel true! I hope you have a happy day and can enjoy kiki and some sunshine!
    <3
    Brittan

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  2. oops, meant to say loss is never easy... sorry

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  3. This, too, shall pass dearest Dawn.Take the time you need to reflect & live in your emotions. Nothing is the wrong or right way to feel...I know that you will have all you deserve one day not too far away. Stay strong & know that many people are thinking of you with love and hope xoxo Rachel

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  4. Dawn...I know this is hard to accept but we are all in God's hands and He will take care of us in due time. I know how it is to 'want' something right now or when we think it is the right time. But..He knows best. As we age we realize how true this is..but I went through many times just like you!

    Your photos are majestical......yes you truly are blessed..enjoy each moment..

    Blessings.....
    xoxo Gert

    PS Love your new banner......

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  5. This kind of loss is one of the most difficult to experience. Mainly because it feels like a private kind of grieving, one that is so intensely personal.

    I think that over time, the sadness will lesson, but there will always be a small part of you that carries this grief. You have such a good heart, and as you search for the goodness in life, I think you will find that you carry that grief next to the hope and love and joy that will present itself to you on this journey.

    Peace to you!

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  6. Grief is a long journey with many mountains and valleys but you will get to the place you seek.Take the time you need sweetie and don't worry about your friends.We are here when you are ready.Sending a hug ♥

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  7. Dawn,
    I commend you for being able to express your feelings by writing. Sometimes saying how we feel outloud - even if there is no explanation or answer -- helps us heal a little more, piece by piece -- moment by moment.

    I don't understand the wait -- the want -- the desire and why they are hard to find. But the ache and the sadness and the mixed emotions -- are what they are and we have to allow them to come and then eventually go.

    Hope. Never -- ever -- lose it.

    Keep dreaming. Your hearts desires are known and one day -- they will come to be.

    Peace -- in knowing you are allowing yourself to go through a grief process that is a life-long journey and with each passing phase -- somewhat of a light is shown and an awareness or bit of wisdom is learned.

    Even when your dream does come true - your heart will always have a pang of ache & loss -- but your gratitude will grow and your understanding of how precious life and all of its gifts are -- will only strengthen.

    sending peace, love & healing thoughts to your weary heart.
    ><>

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  8. oh Dawn my heart aches for you and it aches with you. It's a strange coincidence the same date will make a year I applied for our adopted baby, and here I am a full year has come round and I feel just like you. Empty handed, a mother with no child, a star with no heaven. I have shed a few tears, wondering why they wont let me be a mother, but my time simply hasn't come. I need to learn the same lessons as you, I need to look around at what I've already got, but the feeling of emptyness echos inside. You are so brave to talk about it dearest Dawn, and you can't immagine how even through pain, you can help other people. You have helped me too. Much love.

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  9. The journey of grieving can be a long and difficult road with many mountains and valleys.This journey cannot be rushed or put aside. Someday you will look back at how far you traveled and be at peace with the journey and realize you have arrived at the place you seek.
    Your friends understand,I think,about this journey and will be here anytime you are feeling like company.Sending you a hug to take with you.♥

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  10. You were missed Dawn! I finally learned this year that my tears allow me to move forward. When I would hold it in, I would get stuck. Your mourning will end up helping you. I would like to give you 10 Moody Get Out of Jail Free Cards to be used over the next week. :)

    xo

    Molly

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  11. HI my sweet....sounds like we have been in the same kind of place for a while...losing Buddy stopped me dead in my tracks...i couldn't think of anything but him...

    i told john just the other day...when you come right down to it..it's just all in God's hands...

    i know you have a heavy heart...why would you not...i have been thinking of you too...alot.

    so nice to see you here today....so HAPPY you stopped by....

    i have missed you....

    sending love and good thoughts...
    kary and teddy
    xxx

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  12. My prayers go out to you, Dawn ♥ Keep holding on- you'll never know what the future may have in store for you.

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  13. Thinking of you Dawn, and hoping that your wish will come true soon. Don't forget to try to enjoy what you have in the moment too. Kiki is a wonderful friend, and I love that first photograph of her swimming!
    Dan
    -x-

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  14. You've received so many wise comments already, Dawn, but I just want to say that my heart goes out to you. I think you already have a soft, loving, joyful heart. Sometimes we have to be content with sadness because part of life on this earth is loss and pain, but the sadness will ease and the joy will return to your heart. In the meantime, keep passing through this room of your life until you get to the next. I believe the next room will be filled with sunshine.

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  15. i do not know many things, but this i do.
    one day, you will look up and see that He
    has, indeed, given you the desires of your
    heart.

    i will be praying that it is very, very soon.

    love,
    lea

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  17. Dearest Dawn, I wish I could add something to the very wise and caring words above, but I think the girls have it covered :) Please know that I love you to bits and that I am ALWAYS here for you whenever and whatever you need.
    I am here holding your hand with you, you are never alone and it will happen so very soon xoxo

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  18. Forgot to say that I like your cute banner for July, who is the little munchkin?
    xoxo

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  19. Im not sure all thats happened to you but Im so sorry that you have lost and are so grieving...you must grieve to move on. Be alone and take the time you need! Dont do anything you dont want to bc you cannot right now...give yourself the space you need. You need it! Im so so sorry for your loss! My heart really goes out to you!
    With love from
    Janet
    in Texas...ox

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  20. Hi Dawn,

    I've been thinking about you. I knew your due date was approaching, but wasn't sure as to which day. I'm so very sorry and I can't even imagine the pain you're going through. My thoughts are with you though, from across the world.

    xoxo,

    Blair

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  21. This is the shadow side--the things we cannot see or understand. Hopefully, some day you will have resolution. Til then I pray that you will be blessed in the future with your heart's greatest desire.

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  22. I so understand you... A baby is the one thing I've always wanted more than ever and here I am, at 37, after years of struggling with infertility, still with a flat tummy... Big hugs!

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  23. sweet dawn....my heart hurts for you. i remember when that much anticipated day came and went for me. i remember how i so looked forward to it for a while...and then when the circumstances changed how i dreaded its arrival. i pray that you find yourself surrounded in love and peace tomorrow. i am sending a big warm hug...
    xo.
    k

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  24. Just wrote a long entry and the service provider came up with an error... :( It was just to say that I feel I can relate in a way as what I wish for hasn't come either - someone to love and who loves me back the same. Instead I find myself wandering rather aimlessly and falling into bad situations that I can no longer write about online for fear that certain people may read them. It is my own fault but I wish I could write as it would help sort thoughts, relieve and the blogging community would help with love and advice...But you can write here - so do it! It will help in small ways. Sending you a big big hug xxx

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