I've been grappling with the decision of whether to write this post or not. At first I didn't want to because I was too upset and didn't want to go through putting it all down into words. But today I realized that this blog wouldn't be a completely honest record of my life, and Rafael's life, if I didn't.
First of all, Rafael is probably fine. He is joyful and energetic, and is developing as he should be. This made it all the more shocking when I took him to the doctor last Tuesday for a check up and found out that he has a heart murmur.
We've been to two doctors with him; both say it is most likely that he has a small hole in his heart. Both also said that, usually, little holes like his heal on their own over time.
We're taking Raffi to a children's heart specialist on February 13th for a heart ultrasound to find out exactly what is causing the heart murmur and if something has to be done or if we can just leave it be and have it checked regularly.
We've been told that this type of heart defect is relatively common and shouldn't worry us too much. But to be absolutely honest: these past few days have been a blur of panic for me. I couldn't sleep, and couldn't think straight. So overwhelmed with fear and horrible thoughts. I have relaxed a little; it was incredibly exhausting to constantly worry, and I didn't want to waste time and energy being negative when I should be giving Rafael all of my undivided, positive, loving attention.
But I don't think I will be able to fully relax until we've been to the heart specialist. And the thought that we might get bad news when we go keeps haunting me.
In the meantime, I'm just trying to stay positive and enjoy every moment with my son, who is happy and sweet, and oblivious to the hole in his precious little heart.